Remember When
by ADojo
Summary: "A drunk a failure what else will I be by the end of this? hopefully yours." Lapis has made some mistakes and just wants to fix things.
1. Chapter 1

A/N If you like this story make sure to tell me by leaving a review so I know whether to continue this one or not. If it's well liked than I'll make it into an actual story. Hope you enjoy, I made this while listening to Remember when nightcore for a story to a song challenge my friend gave me.

(You really need to stop)

"Nah Peri I think I got it," the young girl said unlatching the wooden cabinet. Pulling a large bottle of red wine from it hoping that nothing was stirring in the house besides them. Also grabbing the small device to uncork the drink they acquired.

"We're really doing this?" Peridot asked clearly slightly frightened of the course of actions they were beginning. With a pitch black room engulfing them besides their flickers of cell phone light eyeing the area around them.

"Yep now let's go," Lapis said taking her small hand and guiding towards the door. Effortlessly opening the sliding glass door ushering each of them out of the house.

"Where to?" a casual question with a bit of life sprucing up each word.

"Anywhere together right?" Lapis said back taking the lead in a direction she was familiar with. Large smile splayed out on each of their faces as they raced from their Monday night and other issues.

"My dad's going to kill us, you know that right?" hand in hand they walked in the moon filled night. Each step lead further from the cement and into different gravel paths with rocky steps they tempted their fate with each breath stolen from the pure night.

"Only if he finds out right?" Lapis teased her own words dragging the other girl closer into a quick hug. Moments like that were peaceful and this moment they both stopped to look at each other. Those green eyes could steal the show of any magician because they always seemed to make Lapis' problems disappear.

"You took his favorite wine Lapis," Peridot said back with a toothy grin. It looked so foolish then again what else would they be than a couple of fools running into the night together.

"Whoops wasn't me," Lapis kidded picking up their pace once again with the first few steps, staring back into the eyes that reflected glimpses of the moon.

"You always get caught anyways and I take the blame," Peridot said running to catch up to her before pelting her with a hit to her side.

"Ouch you wound me, yeah it's because your parents pity me too much," Lapis said mockingly sad. A forest was within view, their own little hang out, an innocent little puddle a tad too small to be considered a lake.

"I can't stay out too late tonight, I have a quiz tomorrow in math and last time my parents didn't appreciate my grades on finals." Once again a mimic of pain in her voice as they she playfully shoved Lapis looking, up with puppy dog eyes.

"Well maybe you shouldn't indulge in all my adventures," Lapis spoke back before she started walking all wonky with each step misplaced. Making her torso shake a little bit along with her head moving all over the place. "Per- peri you almost made me spill my dri… drink," Lapis joked before walking her usual way.

"Sounds like a, you problem," Peridot said back sticking out her tongue before latching their hands back together again. It'd been that way for a while that they had held each other's hands.

"Well it's about to be your problem as well if we have to go get another one," Lapis winked back at her flirtatiously. Lots of her craved to just run up and hug her and begin kissing all over her so she did part of it. Peridot had a rock that she usually hung out at their almost lake hang out and she was already there.

"Lapis!" Peridot screeched as Lapis ran up and threw her arms around her and began picking her up and shaking her around. "God dammit let me go!" Peridot shouted as Lapis gave her a brief peck on the side of her face. That always caught the blonde off guard, this time they looked each other in the eyes for a brief moment.

Stars bouncing off the water beside them and joy emitted from each of them, all could be shared in that moment was a smile.

"Clod if you do that again I'm going to make out with you," Peridot threatened, a little bit of teasing fun they usually did to each other. Little bit unusual of Peridot to be the one on the offensive though for it, usually she was much too shy to say anything. Such an innocent night, reminded by the beating heart that provided butterflies to Lapis' mind.

"Yeah sounds good to me," Lapis wanted to take the risk and do it but instead pulled herself away with both of them laughing. Looking down at her hand she had the bottle of wine held in her hands with dark blue painted nails. Pulling off the cap and unscrewing the cork with the weird device shoved in the back crevice of her pocket. "First sip yours or mine?" Lapis asked pushing the drink forward, a little bit more difficult to get her drunk but sometimes it worked.

"Fine…" Taking the drink forward the blonde had a quick gulp. Her outfit held a black skirt from their school uniform and a red and green shirt from the very same place. Meanwhile the rebel Lapis wore a black coat over hers that often aggravated the teachers in warm temperatures. Dress code is dress code but that also requires caring about it. "Your turn alright… Lapis," Peridot said annoyed as she held the drink out for a moment.

"Sorry lost in my thoughts, like always," Lapis said taking quite a chug from the open bottle. A little bit of an acquired taste for an interesting effect.

"Yeah you air head," Peridot said lifting up her head as she stood atop the small boulder she appreciated so much.

"At least I'm not a child that clings to a rock to make you feel tall," Lapis winked at her once again which drew her flustered state out at last.

"It's not because it makes me feel taller, it's just nice alright." She said defending her small area as if the feelings of the boulder were being belittled.

"Remember when, we snuck out our first time?" Lapis asked basking in the light of the night sky before staring to the stars herself.

"Well of course, when we got caught trying to sneak back in, we were a wreck…" Peridot said not relishing in the memory like Lapis was. They had swam in the lake in their clothes, over the weekend so at least they weren't school clothes. That night every turn made her heart flutter like it was peering over the edge of the world.

Stealing a hand for the first time as a subtle lie to say for comfort when it was to engulf her head in more butterflies. More of that innocent feeling of joy from being around the one you love, the one you treasure, the girl that makes it hard to breathe or speak. Few words were said that night but getting lost in the new found lake was an experience they found together.

(Yeah I remember, Lapis?)

"Yeah, I remember your dad talked to us for like half an hour straight, you looked like you were about to cry." Lapis began laughing over the course of events. Their hair had been matted and they were shivering from the cool breeze they shared, and till the moment of the opened door both of them felt warm on the inside.

"I was about to cry, that had been the most trouble I'd been in up to that point," Peridots jaw was wide open as they relived those memories together. "I remember you snuck over for the next week each night and apologized," Peridot said loosening her face into a sincere smile.

"Well I couldn't just lose my best and only friend, I'd do it again at the drop of a hat to make you happy." It was genuine and Peridot had left her rock and walked over to Lapis standing just before the lake, one of her favorite things to be near, and the lake was pretty cool too. "Want to stare at the stars with me with legs in the water?" Lapis asked with a cheeky smile.

"That's all you ever do here nowadays." Peridot said stealing back the bottle for another quick few sips as they slid out of their shoes.

"Well I'd ask you if you wanted to go for a swim, Mrs. We have school tomorrow." Lapis quickly placed her legs in the water along the edge with her hands holding her back up as they looked to the sky together. Once they had found this place they came here regardless of the weather, bringing blankets and other assortments of things to keep them warm.

"I'm sorry I don't like going to school in soggy clothes, anyways we're already going to get caught for this," Lapis blocked off Peridot with one of her hands before quickly taking it away and taking over.

"Exactly so why not go down in flames," she said back waving her hand through the air as if it were a shooting star. They each dreamed on that scenario differently, one asked for fun the other asked for lessen consequences.

"You're already flaming as is," Peridot dully said back giving a sly look over her shoulder. Lapis blue eyes could stare at the green ones all day especially in this lighting.

"How so?" She asked taking the bottle off the ground for a few quick stolen sips. Effects hadn't hit her yet and that was okay, the night was glorious as is.

"Well you're the only kid in our school with colored hair…" Peridot said trying to defend her previous statement.

Constant visits to the principle happened because of her hair and it's interesting. When you've been in trouble so much that people start to excuse it, they didn't care anymore and that was fine. She could be free to be who she wanted within the first few weeks of each term with everyone there giving up on her, besides one.

"Really?" Lapis pulled her face back questioning the blonde in her attempt to judge her appearance.

"Yep."

"Wow my hair is dark blue, big deal… next thing you're going to call me a whore," Lapis let out with a brief laugh. It felt free with the only eyes on her being ones of care for the most part…

"Wait you're not?" Peridot questioned which granted her a quick punch on the shoulder. Two routes could be taken, either admit it or deny it… What fun is it to deny something?

"So was this wine your payment then?" Lapis said bringing her body up and starting to walk on her hands and knees over to the other girl. Placing her hands along her shoulders, staring each other down with only a few inches in between. Peridot always lost it when it came to staring contests.

"Uh… Lazuli…" Few seconds in the tension felt as if it was pulling them together and it was surrounding them but in between their noses nothing. Free space that could be fallen into easily complicating things a bit further. "Get away you whore," Peridot joked pushing Lapis away and backing up at the same time.

"Fine," Lapis conceded backing up, once again they were in their regular positions with their hands within reach of each other. A wine bottle was a very good reason not to hold hands at the time as they counted stars and lost count of sips.

"Hey Peridot?"

"Yeah?" Their eyes not leaving the stars both of them in a state of ease without any worries in the world at the moment.

"How irritated do you think your parents would be if I stayed the night tonight?" Lapis care freely asked connecting the dots in the sky with her own stories.

"Did you do your homework?"

"Why does that matter?" Lapis began laughing as she heard those words penetrate her thoughts.

"Well if you haven't and your parent complain that you hanging out with me causes you not to do your work then…."

"You know them… they aren't going to say a single word," Lapis begrudgingly said back. _At least that allows me to have you right?_

"Fair enough… I worry about your grades too y'know. Next year is our last one and this one is already half way over… how many credits do you need again?" Peridot asked clearly a bit worried, that wasn't the mood they needed with a half empty bottle.

"Don't worry about it, I'll find a way I always do. Might have to do some summer school though," Lapis scooted a little bit closer so that she could wrap her arm around the small girl. It took moving the red wine into her lap before they could gaze while in contact.

"Is it starting to hit you yet?" Peridot asked, she felt a bit hungry in her actions as she was inching into the side of Lapis.

"Nah I'm not a light weight like you," Lapis taunted, while her mood had swayed a little bit with joy and the other essentials of being tipsy. Small amounts of pleasure pooling in her hazy mind as movements were less judged.

It was nearly impossible to get her to drink with her for the first time, it took a lot of convincing. In particular it took calling it an experience that she could take off her bucket list before she took her first sip. Cheap beer stolen from the blue haired girls parents, that's about all they ever drank back home and all it ever smelt of, that and cigarettes. Once a month or so they would also steal those.

"Yeah, yeah whatever you say," Peridot said clearly a little bit wobbly but still wearing a smile and that's all that mattered. That her precious friend was happy, whatever happened they'd be happy together.

(Lapis it's late)

"Alright just a few more minutes, want a cig while we're out here?" Lapis asked pulling one from a small carton she stored in her black jacket. Once a month or so, she would be able to steal a few from her parents but neither of them really liked them. They more so just liked the feeling of freedom on their choices, with that an open hand extended.

"Let's only have one, we can share it and I don't want a full one anyways." They never discussed why each of them had one, Lapis could only assume that it was the same reason as her, it felt free. See through red lighter in hand, holding it up to bring a small essence of life to the inanimate object.

With a light inhale and closed eyes the smoke filled her lungs, it didn't taste that good nor did it feel the best but it did have effects. The already tipsy calm ran through her body with another flavor of feeling, her nerves completely silent to any bother.

Trading it once again they each enjoyed the few breaths, the cigarette burned out quickly just like their night, but the only difference is that their night wasn't left in ashes. Only left in the safe haven of Lazuli's few good moments, all that rested with the blonde and one more risk may have been worth it.

What's the worst thing that could happen? Alcohol and lack of sleep a killer mixture for allowing thoughts to drift to life.

"Hey Peridot," Lapis spoke aloud drawing attention to herself with the cute blonde with a mess of hair and a burnt out cigarette in her mouth. As the blonde began to take out the freedom from her mouth, Lapis gave her a soft peck on the cheek. "Whatchya gonna do about it?" The blonde looked flustered and Lapis didn't care she took the step forward.

With a mere fistful of air between them and a subtle smile anchoring her thoughts as present. A soft connect mixed with a harsher reality.

(Lapis you know we can't do this)

"Peridot, I love you…" Lapis let out in a soft voice her hands shaking.

"Mrs. we're going to be closing the bar down soon you really need to get out of here," said a man with a short grey beard.

"Alright one second just let me finish this call," Lapis half pleaded while waiting for a response from the person on the other end of the line. Her head was killing her with a three day long hang over and puffy eyes.

"Really at a bar Lazuli… We're through, we've been through and you need to stop calling me I'm done." The other voice rang through loud and clear over the sounds of Lapis' stifled sobs with a constant flow of tears running down her cheeks.

"But Peridot we're great together, remember the last night we snuck out together, that was great wasn't it?" Lapis desperately pleaded to the silence on the line. "Please don't leave me, I'm sorry. I'm just so…" breaths were breaking free causing audible sounds to others of her pain. At least there was no one around her beside the bartender.

"That was in high school, bye Lapis, don't call me again." Like that the call had ended leaving her with the noises her body was involuntarily making and beeping of her phone to signify the end.

"Can I have one more glass…?"

"You've had enough," the man stubbornly said before leaving her side. _I really haven't had enough yet and that's the problem…_ Her chair felt like stone just causing pain to her body as she hunched over the bar wrapping her head into her own arms.

Picking herself off the bar a bit later and leaving she sat just outside the front door stealing a cig from her pocket. The addiction freely fell, being one of the last ones in her pouch. _Guess the bill on tonight will be food for the next month._

Cold reality of the situation was that crying in a dim lit bar for hours trying to recollect the good parts of your life didn't change what it currently was. It hurt that each hour her hands shook if she wasn't force feeding herself cigarettes, the last similar feeling of reciprocated affection that she had.

It hurt, each moment alive had hurt for a while now with the only solace being when she wasn't able to think to herself. Gazing down at a phone with less than ten contacts and less than three that would even respond.

Her feet hurt but they were the last thing that she could rely on to keep herself up. Regardless of the pain she hated looking at her reflection in her small screen, all it showed was a drunk and a failure what else could she even be…? With a quick sigh looking over herself she still had her final thought.

Blood shot eyes that haven't been able to focus past tears in days could still see blurry images. Hands that shook could no longer carefully put things together but they still worked that's what was important. Her looks may have faded slightly with unkempt hair that was only blue along the edges by this point, but she was still the same girl as before. With those hurt feet she could still chase the only thing she cared about, but tonight she was going home alone once again.


	2. Restless Call

A/N you can follow me on tumblr if you'd like, my name on it is adojoa. Just a forewarning this story is going to get a lot darker so continue at your own risk and such.

"Ahem, I'm sorry I cannot make it to the phone right now so leave a message." A higher pitched voice that was different than usual, each word exactly the same as she remembered them. Cold plastic feeling pressed to her face as she attempted to respond to the sharp beep.

"Hey it's uh Lapis… I know I called you last week and all but I just kind of wanted to check up on you again…" Her voice low searching her brains directory in hopes of something that would bring a voice to the other line. "I'm going to be free… well whenever so if you can find some time and are willing to I'd love to see your face. Then again you probably know that, right? Well this is going to run out of time soon, so just give me a call alright?"

Sure enough after patiently waiting in the silence a few seconds passed by before it signified the end of her message.

"Bartender can I just have a bottle of brandy?" She asked breezing through her phone. Slow night, Mondays people didn't seem as enthused to get completely shit faced. Her phone had one name that would for sure respond and currently she needed that. Some form of affirmation that she wasn't alone, bottles of alcohol and unanswered calls don't make you feel that great.

Are you free tonight? If so how about you pick me up from the bar and Ill come over

I'll be there in half an hour or so, please don't drink too much before then.

A simple request but with a whole bottle on her side, not likely. It used to be sips, then it became shots and last thing it became was broken nights. Said broken night was sliding down her throat with the knowledge of it coming back to darken her next day. Placing the glass back down on the table, face in one hand empty shot glass in the other.

 _Hell my parents always expected me to turn out just like them, the only difference is they at least have a home._ A small home, that wreaked of cigarettes and beer with the constant buzz of a TV and windows that always had the blinds closed. Only a small amount of light dispersing in the living room with the rest of the house dark.

Another shot to that.

It was so normal to not have parents, they were more like roommates that were legally required to occasionally invade your school life. _I said it'd be alright to meet them, maybe that night never should have happened._ _If I stayed with her instead I wouldn't be a fuck up, huh…_

"Wait are you serious Lazuli...? You've told me some things about your house… wouldn't you much rather spend time at mine?" She was so scared, to be let into my daily life. To see my daily routine and as was I but she had to see it. When someone is your best friend for a while they sort of deserve to see where you're raised…

"Yeah, might as well see it at least once right?" It'll be a good night, everything will be fine and she'll see my life isn't too bad, just better with her. I hoped for that so much and part of me thought she might even find me cooler once she saw how independent my life was at home.

Another burn ran along the back of her throat with a cooler sensation running down her face. Just one tear towards the memory. Short chuckle, choking her breath as she tried to think of herself as cool, hard pressed closed eyes.

"Okay… I'll ask my parents during lunch." Hesitant with each word and all of it coming down to trust.

"They said yes!" Excitement flowed through her words, her parents had a long talk during their break and it being a Friday night was a big contributor.

 _Maybe downing another shot will make this a bit more vivid…_ With that a few more shots were downed and quickly slammed on the wooden bar. Either closed eyes or focusing on the design running along the wooden grain.

Bright sky bled along the streets as they both raced home, before they had ever held hands or even began teasing each other. As the house was painted before their eyes it looked like the sun light had been taken away. An older home with a large tree causing a barrier for light, dark blue painted house with a low roof.

The grass was the only thing well kept on it as they got closer few broken potted plants laid along the deck. Grasping the cold metal handle, the first turn it got stuck half way through. Having to reposition her body and shake the handle a few more times before the door busted open, looking back to a wide eyed friend.

"Its fine, it always happens, don't worry." In the middle of the exposed innards of the house was a stairway leading up, on the right was a hall way and the left held the living room. It wreaked of smoke and Peridot visibly scrunched her face at the opening of the house. _Don't worry you get used to it._

"Alrighty…" Peridot softly said back, walking in looking around as if she was being hunted by lions. A dim glow ran along the stairs with the living room having the television playing and several people on the couch. Neither of them turned to look at the noise, both of them had a certain zombie like aspect in them. Along their feet and several spaces around the house had empty beer cans littered about.

"Those are my parents over there but that's not important let's go to my room," Lapis happily said dragging her to the staircase. It took more force than usual to move her friend, usually just a light tug this time she actually felt her weight. Green eyes locked on the other room with a certain look on her face, what is it?

Almost skipping Lapis went up the stairs trying to pester that image out of her head, the weight of the girls' eyes keeping them there. Quickly turning on her heel they faced a white door just on the left side of the end of the stair case.

With the door gently swaying open at her push, "this is my room." Turning back she saw those same eyes, this time it felt heart breaking. Slightly askew mouth with open eyes scanning over the entire room. A breathless moment trying to scan back over her room, what was wrong?

A small blanket and pillow rested upon a bed with tears along the side and no sheets. A broken dresser shelf laid on the floor with various shirts falling along the edges. A small clock with cats drawn around it and the glass face it once had now gone. I guess the scratches along the walls also were a little bit different. Matching the exterior of the house, walls were painted dark blue and seemed that light was only allowed elsewhere, not here.

"I'm going to get us some snacks, just make yourself comfortable okay?" Lapis asked as she slowly backed out of the room. Leaving the room caused vivid memories of another one, frankly a more comfortable one…

Pictures hung around the halls at a perfect angle and in the other room was a bed with plenty of pillows and assortments of blankets. A Laptop that seemed to always be on, clean walls and not really anything along the floor. Everything was put in the closet or in the drawers of other storage devices, maybe the stark difference between their two lives was something.

(Ahem, I'm sorry)

"Please, just answer the phone… Even if I can't visit you anymore at least talk to me," slamming another few drinks back waiting alone for the phone to signify the end once again.

"Lapis… it's just so different here… Are you really okay with living like this?"

(No I'm really not, I need to be with you.)

An empty plate, the cupboards were empty. It meant we would have to go somewhere for dinner, hopefully she'd still be okay with staying the night. Walking past Peridot plastering a smile on her face, she lifted her mattress slightly off the ground. A few dollars laid there, life savings that never equated too much.

"How about we go out for food?" Lapis asked grabbing one of the twenties and happily spinning on her heel to face the girl.

"If you want to, sure," slowly the blonde said that as she raised herself off the ground.

(Man we had some awkward moments when you first came over…)

"Yeah really don't worry about anything, I'm happy here. They let me be myself and that's the important one, just because we don't have money for nice things doesn't mean we're not a good family." Peridots face had changed a bit with those words, like an acknowledgement that she shouldn't be judging too harshly.

"Lapis I still remember the stories you've told me… This has only been proof that you're not lying to me…" Half of a smile and eyebrows pushed together showed quite a bit of concern and that was alright.

"Well I wouldn't lie to you," walking down the stairs together Lapis spoke. It seemed whenever they left the confine of her room that she didn't want to speak as much.

Out the door and dropped back into the regular world, one that cared for some places and ignored for the others.

(I cannot make it to)

"Wehl.. I do need you really!" Lapis said into her phone just drawing herself out of her thoughts at the realization that it was trying to call her again.

"I really am glad to have you, without you I wouldn't have any friends. I'd be alone and honestly this whole school makes me a little bit nervous to go to each day. I'm glad I can show you my house even if it frightens you a little bit." Once again her mind had skipped around a bit to the point they were both sitting on her bed with nothing to do.

"Lapis I'll always be here for you,"

(God dammit Peridot I'm always goiina love you, Peleaase come back.)

A few more shots steering away from her mixed reality before she could finally draw her vision back onto her desire. Springs being pushed down by the weight of the two of them.

"Don't you have to tell your parents that I'm staying the night? Also you had to use your own money to buy us food… If you didn't have money would you have skipped eating?" Peridot and Lapis didn't really sleep in the same bed ever but Lapis convinced her that she would sleep on the floor and leave the bed to Peridot.

"Nah they don't care and that's not important alright? I'm fine I'm not dying of hunger each day." Then again it took until spending plenty of time with Peridot to actually feel much hunger at all, it just used to be her daily state of feeling. So numb to how bad it actually felt till recent days.

"But Lapis…" If tears were to fall from the one person that cared for her then it would have been impossible to stop her own as well. Sitting up from the floor with one final plan.

"Hey I'm here and I'm going to be fine alright," pushing fully off the floor she began placing her knee on the bed and attempting to join her.

"What are you doing?" The blonde frantically asked as her blue haired friend began sneaking into the same bed as her. A small blanket was beginning to be lifted before she responded.

"Eh the floor isn't as comfy and I'm kind of cold, so just thought I'd join you." Happily spilling those words forth she began wrapping her arms around the small blonde.

"No I can sleep on the floor," Peridot sternly said trying to raise herself. Lapis wore all her clothes for the day at this point but Peridot had brought her own pajamas. They looked comfy and had little alien faces on them, being this young meant they could get away with a lot of dumb things. This night could let her get away with one thing then.

"But you're sooooo warm," Lapis said tightening her grip and bringing her body back until it hit the mattress again. After a few moments of struggle and huffing out breaths it seemed that they both were resting together.

"Fine… are you sure this is okay though?"

"Well yeah, it's not like we're doing anything weird, people sleep in the same beds as others all the time." Lapis said wrapping her arms around her a bit softer while turning onto her side a little bit.

"Aren't those like only people in a relationship?" The blonde asked back with a slight edge to her voice.

"Yeah and children so pick which one we are," Lapis said with a smile on her face and it clearly riled up the blonde a bit.

"I am not a child, I'm a teenager," Peridot tried to proudly state as Lapis cut her off.

"Okay shorty, I'm glad to hear we're dating now," Lapis said sticking out her tongue at the end of her sentence.

"You wish," Peridot said turning over on to her side which forced Lapis' chest to her back. It was a soft movement that brought heat to both of them.

(Phone right now so leave a message.)

(I reahhlly do wish, we wehre soh purfect. Pahleese come back.)

"Hey Peridot?" Lapis curiously asked, drawing her vision away from the blonde and to the ceiling of her room.

"Yeah?" Peridot asked back and it seemed they shared the same idea with both of them laying on their back. At least that's what Lapis thought thanks to the sounds of movements and the brief warm contact of their arms pressed into each other.

"Can I stay the night tomorrow?" A small pillow forcing their hair to mesh together while Lapis tried to leave her damaged room. It'd be so much nicer over there again.

"If we do our homework at my house when we get there sure." Peridot said back with a certain edge in her voice, likely confidence. A dash of her sneaky side was laced in it that was for sure though, Lapis loved her sneaky side. It was why she eventually said yes to so many things, curiosity killed the cat.

"Ew why do I have to do homework?" Lapis complained knowing that it wouldn't help in the end and that whatever she refuted with would likely be a solid case.

"Because Lapis you need to finish high school and homework is essential to remembering how to do things." Anything forced for work was awful, even though Lapis spent most of her time trying to reason out what to do with her time anyways.

"What if I don't do it tomorrow then?" Lapis teasingly asked back wanting to see what she had in store for her if she tried to weasel her way out.

"Then you won't be able to come over on weekends or stay the night." _Harsh,_ Lapis knew that she was likely telling the truth for like a week or so but any day was precious with her.

"Fine I guess I'll try, you're going to have so much stuff to teach me though. I'm god awful at math." Lapis exaggerated her words to emphasize how much time Peridot was going to have to spend extra on their work, together.

"Aren't you in basics algebra?" Peridot asked clearly slightly bothered by the desperate girl beside her.

"Shhh nerd, that'll make it easier for you to teach me. You're better than all the teachers anyways." Lapis casually said and it brought a moment of silence. Lapis meant it though, she treasured Peridot so much, and she was so great.

"Whatever… fine, we should sleep now." Finally words had pierced the stale air and it seemed that Lapis had slightly embarrassed her.

"Alright good night Peridot." She happily said turning to her side and grasping the small blonde a little bit tighter. Her face wore a smile as she felt secure and happy, she never felt that when she slept in her bed.

"Night Lapis."

(Ahem, I'm sorry I cannot make it to the phone right now so leave a message.)

(Ahem, I'm sorry I cannot make it to the phone right now so leave a message.)

(Ahem, I'm sorry I cannot make it to the phone right now so leave a message.)

 _One more time,_ Lapis desperately thought to herself as the phone was already dialing to the same person. As beeps edged towards the end of the call, her fears were shooting up desperate to get to the other side of the line.

"Lapis?" A voice finally sounded back, it sounded more so shocked than anything. Trying to submerge her shakey voice and clear her eyes of tears she pressed the phone hard to the side of her head.

"Peridot?" She happily exclaimed barely able to speak the words. Her eyes were flowing and her smile was the widest it had been in a while.

"Uh… no" It came to her realization that she might be wrong, dragging her face up in a new found horrified expression.

"Ahem, I'm sorry I cannot make it to the phone right now so leave a message." Played in the back ground as she looked at the girl standing beside her stool.

"Come on Lapis I came to pick you up, let's go." Said a girl with a short strawberry blonde haircut and long spindly appendages under her clothes that clung a bit to her body.

"Oh yeah, thanks Pearl."


	3. Starless Night

(Lapis…)

"It's alright, they don't even know we're together, they aren't going to walk in alright?" Lapis brought her finger forward to hush the girl as they began to share their bed. They had the same feelings running their veins of curiosity and nervousness.

Through the window they could see the moon peeking just past their feet. It gave a shine along the rim of the window as if to spill the night skies dreams into their room. With no lock on the door she kept her composure and began to raise herself on top of the blonde girl. Careful as to press her knees down on the bed and no the delicate girl.

Green eyes flickering off to the side and flinching with fear of any movements outside of the room. Controlled underneath the blue haired girls palm as she began striping off her shirt, a texture soft that easily came up, making barely any noise as it hit the floor.

"Really I don't know if we should be doing this…" anxious words fell out of the blonde's mouth and were quickly caught as the blue haired girl pressed her concerns away with a kiss. A melting kiss that left both of them desiring to continue. Sparks floating between their minds shared at the lips that signified the next steps.

"If you really don't want to, we don't have to. It's just I kind of thought now would be a good time y'know." Pressing a tender kiss on top of Peridot's forehead she began lowering herself once again to check for the green light of vibrant eyes saying okay. Down cast they laid as if trying to stare into the abyss of shadows contained in the blankets over them.

"You're right, I want to," She admitted with hands clinging to the loose fit shirt along Lapis' body. Quick movements threw it off with another few obstacles remaining. Each step exposing more of the beautiful girl she loved.

"We're gonna have to lose our clothes then," Lapis said with a wink that she wasn't quite sure whether Peridot could see it or not. While she pushed herself off of her and they began to strip, it let the beam of light from the window spread across her beautiful blondes face instead of the back of her head.

Each movement caused a few rustles of the sheets and was often followed by ears frantically searching for signs of intruders. Lapis only kept on her panties as they both made sure to put their clothes on the side of the bed furthest from the door. Being so close each of the calamities of noise cause intentional held breaths that Lapis loved listening for.

She also loved the fact that Peridot would stare at the bottom of the door where a crevice of light would occasionally shine through whenever she was telling a secret. Knowing that any moment that door could open, but it more so felt like she was scared of that light grasping her secrets like a dream catcher.

One secret that Lapis rarely held onto is the fact that she thought Peridot was beautiful. A visible gasp at the naked girl beside her that she quickly brought her hand up as if to push that breath back into her mouth. A breath that contained the secret that she was currently lost on her beauty, any ounce of lust had been pushed back with just the thought of adoration.

"So, now what?" It seemed that Peridot actually caught everything she was thinking with an embarrassed look to the side. Taking a look away from the light in her life, she tried to get a handle on herself. When she looked back the girl was still as beautiful as ever and Lapis lead into her with a kiss. Slowly shifting her hands along the girl's side so that she could fully be propped on top of her once again.

"You really are the most beautiful thing ever," Lapis said taking a break from their kiss. Peridot was well proportioned, she had some killer hips. Her chest was an alright size as well with a little bit of a pudgy stomach and it was adorable.

"Thing?" Peridot questioned Lapis words fully aware of what she meant. Even with this small joke Lapis could see past it, the girl was nervous. Her shoulders condensed as if wanting to minimize her size.

"Out of all things in everywhere, you are the best, I'm a thing, you're a thing but the difference is you're the best thing," Lapis said realizing a perfect time for a joke but instead using something else. It was a perfect time for reassurance of how she thought of her.

A weak smile spread across the blondes face and this time she tipped her head up so that they could meet half way. With a hand claiming a portion of the back of Lapis head she was forced down into the mouth of the girl below her. A small amount of pain forming on her scalp as the hand claimed her was only alluring her to continue on.

With an open mouth she went to town on the girls' lips, small bites and caresses with her tongue till she took a break and went for the defenseless neck. Each of those actions bearing a reactions till she was biting her own lips to halt from reacting.

"Peridot!" Lapis shouted as if she couldn't contain it anymore. Like a slammed door she knew that she was in trouble as she opened her eyelids.

"Really! You're still thinking of her when we do things… This is why we wouldn't ever work out huh?" A familiar voice lathered over her thoughts.

"I'm sorry," Lapis admitted as the small lamp flashed on to show a strawberry blonde girl beside her. The other girl was dragging herself to her feet and beginning to leave the room.

"Yeah you always are," Pearl said obviously irritated. With that Lapis raised herself as well knowing the destination that they would both arrive at together. Stealing away her clothes from the floor and swiping off one of the black jackets she joined the other girl into the night.

"Really, this past week has just been hard. I keep dreaming about her." Slowly closing the door behind her they lined up along the balcony of a rather nice house. A large second story house that only held the presence of two souls at most that shared similar feelings, loneliness. It was a starless night, a constant reminder of the light pollution spilling into the sky.

"If you could stop thinking about her for a day then maybe you wouldn't be dreaming about her as well. I can't believe you still think of her over the person you're actually with." Pearl handed over a small dose of addiction that they both happened to share.

The second light of the night flickered over the front of their lips as smoke started to billow on the inside of their lungs. Slowly it was released from their body with the permanent residue of a mistake they should have never started.

"I can't, then again we aren't dating so why does it bother you?" It was a low blow that both of them knew. That's how it was to them, saying harsh things without a response for the most part, knowing each other a little bit too well.

"Yeah that's why we dated for a month before I realized your past is more important than me," words that weren't bitter. Neither of their words held emotion in them just felt more like time had to pass somehow and words had to taint it in the least.

"We're both a little fucked up huh?" Lapis admitted before heaving in another breath. The landscape around them was an empty cul-de-sac regardless of the time of day, it used to have rampant life running amuck. Much like how time runs, it no longer held that much life.

"I think you might have me beat though, let's go get some food then we can sleep." Pearl said slowly driving the last bit of orange along her cigarette to extinction, rubbing it along a small metal ash tray.

"I'll be in there in a moment, can I have another cig?" Lapis asked which quickly had a cigarette thrown at her. Her hands had stopped shaking now thanks to her body's satisfaction, but her mind had not stopped running.

Most of the time after they were done she'd regret something, all that was brought was memories. Jealousy was a horrible thing, especially when you're jealous of someone that they'll never see again. Lapis thought that to herself but she knew that Pearl was in the right.

It had ruined things for her as well, happiness wasn't permanent, and life had definitely taught her that.

"Lapis I made a friend today," eyes that could contain all the stars in the sky danced around her. Happily in the halls curiously they talked over the new girl entering her life.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah her name is Amethyst, she called me cool which I don't understand but it happened and like we just met. She even called me smart, I mean I did answer the question right but still."

"Whoa, whoa calm down there. You're speaking a mile a second," they were a complete contrast at the moment. Lapis was calmly speaking trying to figure some things out while Peridot was spewing out all the information instantly.

"Alright well she said that she wanted to hang out with us during lunch is that alright?" Peridot asked as they coordinated through the halls. They still had a few minutes before class started once more.

"Uh yeah sure, she knows you're in a relationship though right?" Lapis questioned as they turned into their class.

"I just met her, I'll tell her when we all hang out, and we didn't have much time to talk in class." Peridot happily said.

"Well I wouldn't want her trying to steal you away from me," Lapis said as they began to settle down into the class. Peridot looked shocked that Lapis would even suggest that. Lapis was shocked that Peridot couldn't see that being a possibility, she usually coined out that not everyone was gay like them.

With another heave of her addiction she wiped it the same way as Pearl before reentering the house. Lights lined the kitchen and that was about it, the rest of the house held that shadows that kept the sky together. A nice kitchen counter with plenty of vegetables lined up to be thrown into a stir fry, something simple that both of them liked.

"You should use shrimp this time," Lapis interjected before she placed herself on a stool by the counter. Letting her elbows rest on the cold granite table that meshed shades of grey in a few inch thick slab.

"Fine, if you'll peel it though," Pearl looked back holding her head a bit up with dipped eyes. Her voice made Lapis feel tired, to the point that she pressed her forehead against the counter.

"One moment, I need to get the energy to do it," Lapis thrusted her hands off the counter in a shove that nearly knocked her to the floor. While grabbing the shrimp from the fridge and bringing it over to the trash her mind began to wander for the last time of the night.

"Hey how yah doing," Said a shorter girl about the same size as her blonde. The girl had a lighter blonde hair and held herself with quite a bit of confidence or at least it felt that way. Her hand that wasn't attempting to be shaken was left along her hip.

"I'm alright, I'm Lapis," she gave a brief hand shake giving into the formality. "How are you?"

"So I'm Amethyst and I'm doin pretty good, just glad to be chillin y'know." Amethyst shrugged off those words as if they were nothing.

"Yeah, same. Are you going to start hanging out with us during lunch each day?" Lapis curiously asked, not really sure what to say to the girl.

"If you guys are alright with it," Amethyst said casually walking over to the wall to sit down. Throwing her bag down and slowly opening it up with a glance up.

"Well of course we are, I'm glad that you two are getting along," Peridot was frantically speaking switching her view back and forth between the two of them. She reminded Lapis of a Meerkat with her head lifted frantically looking around.

"Eh yeah you both are nice lookin, and I like eye candy," Amethyst quickly said before shoving a mouthful of food into her mouth quite disgustingly. Lapis wanted to show her disgust for the girls' actions but still this was a new friend, she shouldn't. _I should show that she can never have her._

Lapis set her stuff down as well and slowly approached her girlfriend with a goal in mind. With them being the only two standing around it was perfect.

"Lapis what are you doing?" Peridot asked slightly concerned before Lapis wrapped her hand beneath her jaw. After that slightly turning it her direction till their eyes were on track to each other, till they collided. A soft sin, with a sly look to the girl on the ground that watched with wide eyes.

"Get some!" Amethyst yelled out while they separated with Peridot looking quite frantic. Their separation was caused by two small hand thrusting her away, which was alright she showed her point. A simple touch that could prove a world of difference.

"Lapis not at school!" The blonde huffed out clearly rattled as her chest was matching her heart inside falling forward with each breath and back. The blonde dragged her head back to gaze up at the sky before placing her palm on it.

"By the way Amethyst we're dating so she's off limits." Lapis declared staring her straight on with a small smile on her face. _What do you think of that huh? You'll never be able to have her, she is mine._

"Like she would even want me Lapis, god calm down," Peridot said as they both began to sit down facing the new girl.

"Well I mean if you want me to be honest, I thought you were pretty cute so it's not like all my intentions were pure if y'know what I'm sayin." Amethyst words were shrugged off like they didn't matter anymore but they did and Lapis wanted to deck her.

Looking beside her and the cheeks of her girlfriend were red, not at the kiss but at the words just spoken. Like a cloud of realization was hitting her, lack of confidence was running through Lapis taking away the weight in her chest. She felt shallow like she was staring at the ground from a roof and beginning to slip. Her eyes didn't want to look up to anyone knowing that each of them felt different of the circumstances.

"Well um I'm more than flattered… I hope you'll still be my friend even if we can't be together." Peridot said back and Lapis didn't trust those words, that girl had to still be after her right? From that point on she kept more than a cautious eye on her.

"Hey Lapis what are you thinking about?" Pearl asked dragging her out of the old dusty thoughts.

"The girl that made Peridot and I break up." Lapis admitted shoving the bowl full of shrimp stripped of their protection over to the other girl. They were quickly thrown into the pan to be cooked through.

"Oh." Her voice showed that she knew the land mine she was treading on. Their conversations were full of those like a jungle fresh after a war. Their battle scars were quickly regained every chance they got a break thanks to their own thoughts.

"What about you?" Lapis tagged along knowing that the other girl had the same issue of never being able to stop thinking.

"How I'm going to be taking care of Steven tomorrow. I think he might be coming over here so I'll have to do some cleaning." Pearl said patiently stirring the food and grazing it with some light seasoning.

"Oh man I haven't seen him in forever, mind if I hang out with you guys?" Lapis changed her tempo slightly trying to fake a smile as well as she was faking her mood. It didn't work she could feel the cracks in her smile and if she did pull it off, she'd feel more of the doubt in her mind.

"I don't know, I kind of think you should leave when you wake up Lapis," Pearl said as her stirring slowed down just like her voice.

"Oh… Come on, Pearl you know he misses me to," Lapis said dragging her eyes away to the grey streaks. Normally their conversations didn't hurt but this did.

"If we're just friends with benefits maybe it'd be best if we kept our personal lives separate." Pearl took time with those words as if choosing each detail on the knife that was cutting them apart. An unsteady grasp of breath that was unluckily heard. Pearl was clearly crossed between what to do with wide eyes worryingly looking at Lapis.

"Pff," Lapis let air be pushed past her teeth. "Maybe. I'm sorry Pearl." Lapis admitted knowing a few of the reasons this conversation was unraveling.

"Let's just eat alright," Pearl sighed with her words, maybe she believed that she went too far as well. Bowls were served up with a mixture of rice and shrimp, they had other veggies mixed in, and Lapis could probably name them all but she wasn't focused on the bowl. It felt more like staring past, past the black table placed in the dining room.

Words weren't spoken while they ate, the air felt dense, it was a familiar uncomfortable aura. Taste buds were damaged or maybe it was her mood, she was never quite sure but she knew the food tasted great but it didn't. Ash filled her mouth clouding over most things tampering her judgement along with her desire to eat. Still she didn't want it to taste good, anything that could grace her life with joy had to be ruined some way or eventually it'd get her back.

As they finished off their food, Pearl slowly began putting things away. With an out reached hand, Lapis slowly handed her bowl off, before resting her face on the table. They usually did this, Pearl put things away while Lapis waited for them to retreat to the room together.

"Pearl!" Lapis called out loudly hearing it echo throughout the house.

"What?" Pearl sighed with her voice aimed at the dark haired girl.

"I just like hearing the echo's in this house," Lapis admitted. They were a bitter sweet noise, it showed that the home was hollowed out.

"Alri-." Pearl tried to speak but once again Lapis was shouting.

"Pearl!" this one had a different response.

"Really even going to cut me off now?" Pearl clearly a bit agitated responded from what felt like in front. But the only sign of distance was noise as Lapis felt that darkness engulfing her closed eyes. Only able to grasp herself to fend off the worry, and a constant fear of not deserving the sight of light if she opened her eyes.

"No this time I'm curious are you done yet?"

"Yeah, let's go," Pearl tiredly responded. Finally opening her eyes and at the other end of the room was the other girl. She had her arm resting on the wall leaned up with her hand on the switch that turned off the kitchen and living room lights.

They left for the staircase in silence, walking past an empty hallway that was once adorn by many pictures. Pictures bring back memories, and so now the hall was stripped of the pain, letting that pain remain silent in a closet downstairs.

A few other rooms upstairs, and only two were actually available for them to go into thanks to a few words spoken. Rules were set in this house as if to give stability that was lost in both their lives, punishment for not following them was the disappointment that in the end that it didn't matter.

"Are you even tired?" Lapis asked knowing the sin that would likely commence.

"No, however I can tell you I don't want to be awake," with that the door was pushed open with a king sized bed taking over most of the room. Hallway lights that only bled onto the start of the bed before the switch was flicked. Then they were covered in darkness once more.

They got onto the bed, able to tell where each other were thanks to the sinking mattress pulling their bodies together. Dragging herself to the end she felt the soft pillow encompass the sides of her head with subtle noises of another person beside her.

"Hey Pearl can we just snuggle tonight?" Lapis asked in a low voice both of them were familiar with.

"Okay," Pearl said which the blue haired girl quickly wrapped her arms around the slender frame dragging her close. With her head resting just beneath the chin of Pearls she felt large tears flailing down her face as she held her as close as she could. Pearl responded with holding her back and lightly brushing through her hair.

Heaving breaths left her body as she thought about what her life had become. It was over, her love wouldn't even respond to her calls any longer, hell she probably had blocked her days ago. Alcohol remaining in her system didn't help tame her emotions rolling rampant in their starless night.

"Also, I guess it'd be alright if you said hi to Steven."


	4. Last Chance

A soft mattress and arms sprawled out along the empty bed. Another breath filled the air along with the echoes of an opening door. A familiar childish voice quickly moving around the house causing the only footsteps and quickly approaching.

 _Once he leaves I can go grab some cereal…_ Lapis had determined that her stomach growling was a good enough excuse to eat today. Some days she felt she didn't deserve it, especially when she hadn't paid for food in a while. The door had been closed a little more harshly than usual. _I guess Greg did another thing that irritated her… Wonder if she's okay…_

Dragging her body up a little bit she looked around for some clothes that would be acceptable. Throwing the blanket off of her lap she began clawing through the few sets of clothes covering the floor in a thin layer. A dark shirt and her usual black jeans were acceptable to her but stealing Pearls white shirt was also tempting.

Giving in she took the white shirt on the floor, _I mean she doesn't consider it clean if it's on the floor... God her shirts are so soft, they feel so nice…_ Dredging up the thought of her three day old clothes, usually it got to the point Pearl felt badly for her and threw her few clothes in with hers.

Traveling over to the bathroom with her set of clothes she threw them on the counter before turning on the shower. Burning hot water would be pouring down in a moment while she looked over her body, a nice large mirror covered most of the wall opposite the shower.

Her body definitely looked aged, lines under her eyes along with hair that didn't seem to have any of its older qualities. A certain shine didn't strike her eyes anymore just a dull dark blue that could nearly be the same as the black bags under her eyes. Steam billowing behind her signaled that she should be done looking over herself, she agreed.

A few last glimpses of the mirror showed a face that didn't want to smile anymore. _I get to see Steven today at least… When was the last time she let me around him? A month…? No maybe three, how long have we even been broken up… Don't think of that… Pearl still cares, god why does she torture herself and not just kick me out on my fucking ass…_

Pushing air past her teeth as her body burned with water falling across her being, trying her best not to draw away from it but instead endure it. _I deserve worse than this…_ she thought as her skin brightened to red to display the bittersweet proof of life. The white shirt wasn't the last thing she stole from Pearl, her soap and a left out towel were also readily stolen.

 _Reminds me of the first time I took a shower at… No stop… No more thinking of her, today is the day that we end things…_ Lapis dug her fingernails into her arms until spots of blood came forth and stole her mind from blonde hair to the light red lines along her arm. Realizing she couldn't steal the towel until the blood stopped pouring she turned off the water and sat down at the bottom of the shower.

Focusing in on the things around her, she heard the frantic foot-steps running about. The fan in the shower drowning out any other possible noise until she noticed the blood stopping. A quick rinse of the shower on her arms before drying herself off making sure no reminisce of her etching her thoughts back on the current time.

Pearls t-shirt barely covered the scratches at the top of her arms and they smelt like her rosy perfume she wore. Her quick sniff brought her eyes down to the cold tile floors, thinking about how the frantic girl would respond… Before long she left the mirror behind and the tiles that made her hollow body feel heavy.

Whenever she felt ill, particularly after a bad hang over she would lay down on the tile floor with the small carpet that rested outside the shower as a pillow. Closing the door she began attempting to prepare herself for what she would see downstairs.

Before she could though it was just in front of her, a small brunette boy that wore a huge smile sitting there in the room. He had his legs crossed but not for long as he bolted up with the energy of an excited puppy.

"Lapis I knew it had to be you!" Steven yelled to the quite shocked girl. Letting her hand fall off the door knob she began to let her hands instead hide inside her pant pockets. Her blank face seemed to be rubbing off on Steven as his face dropped slightly the longer they sat there silent, it was a clue to Lapis.

"Steven!" Lapis yelled turning up the corners of her mouth and running forward and picking up the small child. That seemed to set the mood back to what it should be, this child should enjoy his youth thought Lapis. "How are you?" Lapis said slightly excited.

"I'm good where have you been? Are you and Pearl fighting again?" Steven asked his voice sounded of curiosity and not so much of worry. _He's so pure, he's not even worried if we're fighting. I bet he thinks that we worked it out and are happy now or something…_  
"No we're fine, have you gotten even shorter?" Lapis asked trying to diffuse the other possible conversation that could spill out. Thanks to those words Steven began attempting to unravel himself from Lapis' arms.

"Of course not!" He yelled before wriggling himself to the ground. "I've actually grown a whole half an inch since I last saw you," he smugly said and Lapis was genuinely impressed he had an "Exact" amount.

"Huh odd, well if you think you're taller I guess I'll let it slide," Lapis said shrugging her shoulders a bit as they both began walking down stairs. Steven took the lead and actually grabbed Lapis hand before they started walking down.

"Think? I know I'm taller," Steven said laughing a little bit, Lapis loved how friendly this boy was and he actually helped her mentally. He was quite good at drawing all her attention to him, guess children were sort of meant for that.

"How old are you now?" Lapis asked as they were approaching the kitchen. Steven let go of her hand at last and ran into the kitchen before turning around and answering.

"Thirteen! Well in a couple weeks I will be. But I think I'm close enough anyways." Steven happily said, past him however was Pearl casually picking up the room a little bit. It caught her eye though, Lapis saw Pearl looking at one of the many turned down pictures in the house. The small ones that took up a palm of someone's hand were left in their frames face down.

"Yeah that's close enough, when I was 19 I considered myself 21 anyways at least." Lapis said thinking back with a smirk on her face as Steven's looked a bit more worried.

"I don't know if that counts…" Steven said in a slower voice than usual. Lapis made her way to the fridge where she could pull off a box from the top of Cheerios.

"You're probably right and I think it was actually when I was 16," Lapis said and finally she got the response she wanted.

"LAPIS! Don't tell Steven stuff like that," Pearl yelled out from the other side of the room quickly placing the picture face down back onto the shelf.

"Well uh… okay then," Steven awkwardly said placing himself on the chair beside Lapis. Something quite odd about the kid is he often would just sit around and talk over playing with his toys, Lapis didn't know much about children but just enjoying conversation seemed odd. "So I'm glad you two are with each other once again." Steven casually said.

Lapis looked over to Pearls face to search for an answer, she didn't know what to say and judging from Pearl neither did she. Pearls face was wide eyed and looking right back at Lapis, they just sat there and stared at each other's eyes. Lapis had poured her cereal and some milk trying to think of an answer.

"Well, right now we're just friends again, but we're not fighting and that's what's important," Pearl interjected before Lapis could speak. That was probably a good thing, seeing as words seemed to ruin things when they came from her mouth.

"Ohh alright, well I think you guys are good for each other," Steven said, youth could be brutal when it said the truth. Pearl probably was the best girl for Lapis but love didn't work like that, love only liked to work when it could drag a spike ball through your innards.

Lapis appreciated so many things about Pearl, but it just never clicked far enough to relieve her of her thorns. Then again Pearl was the closest to that out of anyone and maybe it was completely Lapis' fault then again what wasn't. Lapis slowed down her bites of food to just single pieces while she thought things over.

"I thought so too," Pearl said under her breath, was that intended for anyone other than herself. Were Steven and Lapis mistakenly hearing Pearls inner thoughts or was that a jab at Lapis. Thinking it over Lapis knew it was a jab at their ability to help each other crushed by Lapis. Steven hearing it clearly made him feel awkward as he looked a little bit frantic.

"Uh want to watch TV? I think there is a new episode of crying breakfast friends and dad doesn't exactly have a working TV right now." Steven excitedly said to them, and within moments he was already up and looking for the remote.

"Sure thing Steven," Lapis happily said as him and Pearl walked to the other side of the open kitchen which drained into the living room. A large flat screen television turned on with Steven frantically changing the channel until it arrived on a cartoon show. "I have to make a call real quick, be right back." Lapis said picking herself up and walking away from her cereal.

"Very well," Pearl said back before she sat down on the couch next to Steven. She hadn't been wearing a smile very much today. _I wonder what's bothering her, guess just another one of those days._ After Lapis let herself out of the kitchen the phone had begun to dial.

 _Please pick up,_ Lapis begged her own thoughts as if that could change the outcome that she figured for inevitable. After a few dials Lapis thought she needed to steal some other thing from Pearl with all the Stress she was feeling.

"Ahem, I'm sorry I cannot make it to the phone right now so leave a message." Came a slightly nasally voice before a beep finally sounded and Lapis drew in a breath trying to stabilize her shaking chest.

"So uh hey, this is Lapis as you probably figured, I'm going to be on your side of town later today and I'm going to visit. Even if you don't really want me, I just want to see you today. After this I'll let go if that's what you want, I'll never call you again or just randomly stop by or anything al," before she could finish she was cut off by the beep of the phone. Her slow words took a bit to get out, so it was pretty understandable not being able to get it all out.

After a quick peek inside the door she stole a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of one of Pearls jackets before leaving for outside once more.

She left for a quick stroll around the block with the burning addiction enveloping as the taste in her mouth. Instead of dwelling on thoughts she put most of her thought into deep inhales of smoke and the vision that her open eyes could see, over her closed eyes. When stray thoughts would kick in she would quickly stop them with intense observation of the cracks on the side walk.

Around her were sights of beautiful large houses, the sun was out and lighting up the lively lawns as well. Before long she had used a few cigarettes and was back in front of the house she just escaped from. Another thing Pearl had a surplus of was mints and gum, after setting the carton back in the black jacket she fished through another few to find a mint.

First try out of the four jackets hanging, she found mints and walked back into the living room. Pearl was standing in the hallway as if she was waiting for her.

"Gave her a call?" Pearl asked not letting her eyes leave the television, as if she was a gate keeper to getting back into the room. She might as well have been with how much she dictated where Lapis lived.

"Yeah, when you drop Steven off can you drop me off somewhere as well?" Lapis asked, her voice matched Pearls both of them drained of all emotions. As if death had come and left coils of their bodies to reenact each day.

"Okay, maybe you shouldn't come back here anymore?" Pearl let out with a breath that could match a sigh. Pearl had been trying to completely severe their ties for a while now but both of them ended up needing each other, one day or another.

"Wow did you see that Pearl," Steven asked turning around to look at them with worry in his eyes. Immediately they both tried their best to foster up a smile to share and a quick nod before the boy turned back to his cartoons.

"I don't get cartoons anymore," Pearl said. Changing the conversation as if to not be brought up again and for Lapis to just disappear by the end of the day. Hell maybe that would be for the best.

"Hey Pearl at the end of the day if this goes how I think it'll go, I'd like to try and date again. I know I've made a lot of mistakes when trying to be with you, but this is the final time. I'm trying to fully severe things and actually get over her." Her breath was becoming faulty as if she wanted tears to stream along with her words. A numb face that actually couldn't tell if the persistent tears were falling, or if her caught up breath was just her nerves. "So I know you might not want to but I'd like one more try alright?"

"Lapis really?" Pearl wide eyed and on the side Steven was wide eyed as well apparently playing both of them for fools and eavesdropping. Lapis gave a small nod with her eyes staring over at Steven still a little bit worried for what he heard. "Alright we need to talk about this, Steven we'll be right back," Pearl said grabbing Lapis hand and dragging her upstairs.

Her hand was soft and quite warm, it was nice to have someone to hold onto, on an emotional level. Running up the stairs instead of a calm walk felt like they were coming back alive together and she appreciated that. Soon enough the door was closed behind them.

"How can you just expect me to take you back and all that, you realize how hard that is on me right? I'm so confused right now and just don't know what to do about you." Pearl was talking really quickly clearly flustered beyond belief. She was also pacing in front instead of standing still, it was more like she was thinking out loud than having a conversation.

"Just a final run Pearl, I want to give us one more try," Lapis said with those words weighing a lot and not knowing how true each of them were.

It was silent and Pearl stopped pacing, her face was scrunched up and it hurt to watch her like that. _How have I meant so much to you, why do you care so much for me I've been awful to you._ Lapis wanted to cry as she watched the girl in front of her.

Soon enough Pearl actually had tears in her eyes and Lapis couldn't contain herself anymore. She was full on crying as well, Pearl was rubbing her own eyes as if finally coming to a conclusion.

"Lapis if we're to make this work… You need to get a job, you're going to have to start paying rent and, and I want to have a date night." Pearl was frantic and closing the distance a little bit as she took a step forward. "I want us to be a real couple, I don't want to have to hide you in my room till others leave…" The distance between them couldn't fit a pencil between them, Lapis wanted to swoop forward and pull her into a hug.

"Yeah I'll find a job alright," Lapis claimed aloud and was quickly cut off by Pearl.

"Not just a job, you need to get better. No more drinking days away, and no more drunk calls to Peridot. Know what no more calls to Peridot all together," Pearl said shaking her head slightly with those words.

"Okay…" Lapis said letting the gravity of everything she had to accomplish hit her. Pearl was right, she needed to do all that, hell she needed to do that months and month's maybe years ago. Wrapping her arms around Pearl she brought her in for a hug. "Why are you crying though?"

"I don't think I can believe you, no matter how much I want to, I feel like I'm going to be getting a drunk text tonight that I can barely read. Then to decipher where you are in order to keep you out of jail…" Pearl said slowly pushing Lapis away leaving a distance between them that shouldn't be crushed.

Lapis was bad about dos and don'ts though and forced herself forward into a soft kiss on Pearl. She was always there for her and Pearl was right, Lapis had never proven to be good enough to do anything right.

"You might be right… but if I mess up this time… I'll go live with my parents…" Lapis said with words that stained her throat, they hurt to say but at least they were out now and couldn't be retracted. People she hadn't seen in years or even messaged, they never tried either though.

"Oh…" Pearl seemed to realize that Lapis didn't want to lie to her anymore and that even the mention of either of their parents meant something was serious.

"Let's go see Steven he's probably missing us…" Lapis said slowly drawing herself away. Opening the door and approaching the stair held no other foot-steps besides hers.

"Lapis… we can try one more time," Turning around Lapis saw a small smile on her face and she responded with the same face. Neither of them willing to let out a full-fledged smile but good enough to display all their emotions, which wasn't much.

"Thank you," with that Pearl caught up in quick small steps and they wrapped their arms together as they walked down the stairs. It was apparent that Pearl thought of them as together from that point and Lapis couldn't help but be glad for that.


	5. Cookie Cutter

A/N Thanks for the reviews on last chapter I really appreciate them ^,^ enjoy the chapter.

"Hey Lapis… I don't think I can do it anymore." A small blonde girl let those words drain into the air around them. A dark night that seemed to have fear engulfing all the shadows as she clung the feeling of loneliness.

"What do you mean?" Lapis begged for the answer internally but her exterior tried to keep its composure to only a few lakes worth of tears. She understood all too well with their past week.

"Lapis we need to break up…" The blonde was keeping her head low and the glow of the moon ran along the top of her light colored hair causing a lethal contrast on the shadows enveloping her face.

"Why? I love you Peridot," Lapis let out, it was rare for those words to come into play and a bit of a cheap shot.

"Well I can't stand it anymore, you've nearly ruined several of my friendships over your jealousy and then once again you're too clingy. You are the reason I ever get in trouble, you realize that as well right?"

"You have fun on our adventures though." Lapis said as she looked around to the small forest around them and the beautiful not quite lake past them.

"I did… but they're different now Lapis." Her voice was low and full of sorrow as the realization of their trouble was hitting each of them.

"How so!" Lapis said with her voice edged, it wasn't quite too loud but it was loud enough to startle the blondes face forward. Eyes gazing into each other and not giving in anymore.

"They use to be adventures but they just aren't anymore Lazuli." It used to be cute that she was the only one to ever call her Lazuli but right then it actually just hurt. "They used to be sneaking out to look at how beautiful the forest is and go for walks interlocking hands." With those words she splayed her arms along her sides in a grand gesture. "Now all they are is you trying to get me drunk so we can have sex, or just sneaking a few more cigarettes."

"I only want to be out with you, please don't do this. I can change I'll stop doing anything you want me to." Lapis pleaded walking towards the blonde with an out reached hand.

"No you said that before and then you began picking on Amethyst behind my back. Did you think putting death threats in her locker would really help?" Peridot was shaking her head as she spoke, she was right. Lapis felt like she was caught red handed, not knowing that the blonde even knew about that.

"I'm sorry I really will stop, I need you to live Peridot." After Lapis desperately said that, Peridots face changed. Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped ever so slightly knowing that what Lapis just said could be the truth. Lapis noticed this, this weakness that Peridot couldn't help. "I really think that if you left me I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore. No one cares about me."

With that Lapis dropped her head staring at the dirt beneath her feet waiting for any response. Hoping that she could find her way out of this situation while keeping them together. The dirt underneath felt slightly slippery, it splattered outwards with each movement.

"Lapis I still care… We just can't be together anymore, I still want to be friends." Peridot said and it began to make Lapis doubt whether any of that was true. "I do care for you and I always will, you're my best friend."

"Alright."

"Hey Lapis are you really falling asleep already?" Steven asked from the back seat waking her from her daily nightmares. They were in a car together, Pearls car to be exact. They were taking Steven home but first off dropping Lapis off.

"Yeah, I didn't really get too much last night Pearl kept snoring," Lapis said to the backseat which granted her a sneer.

"I do not snore, also I do not drool unlike you Lazuli." It still hurt. Pearl always drove with both hands on the wheel attempting not to get distracted in any way.

"Hey it's not that bad" Lapis said with a laughing Steven in the background.

"That's why one pillow was soaked through, you know how disgusting it was when you asked me to put it through the drier?" Pearl said giving a split second sideways glance that Lapis barely caught.

"A whole pillow?" Steven asked and Lapis gave a brief look back to see the pudgy kid holding his stomach as he laughed thinking about it. It only happened once and what neither of them knew was that it wasn't drool. Her mind didn't want any of that revealed though so she happened to keep quiet there. "Also I knew you two slept in the same bed, dad said you two wouldn't."

Caught red handed both of them gave a nervous look not really knowing how to answer that. Even when they were in a relationship they only told Greg in the later point of being together and not really Steven. Lapis was just the nice girl that was over and often helped take care of him.

"Yeah Pearl needs to be snuggled on some nights or she gets sad," Lapis said aloud and both of them knew it was the case for both of them. Rolling down the window slightly and letting her hair follow the wind push past. It felt nice.

"Aw that's so nice of you Lapis, no wonder Pearl hasn't told me, she's embarrassed." Steven said, Lapis got the feeling that he was trying to slightly bother Pearl. Sometimes Steven and Lapis would team up on Pearl just to mess with her, all in friendly fun and mostly absurd.

"Yeah, yeah sure thing you two. Remember I'm the one driving you home," Pearl said in her voice that was usually a little bit uncaring. Low and pretty serious but when she used it on Steven it was always for jokes.

"Eek, I think we lose this time Lapis," Steven said from the back, the wind flowing through her ears was making it a bit more difficult to actually hear him though. She pulled her face back into the car fully and rolled up the windows.

"Maybe for now, I'll definitely get her back when I get home though." Lapis said and it once again eventually went quiet in the car. Quiet enough that she could close her eyes and once again think over her mistakes, which was too abundant.

Peridot was smart and eventually went to a college for computers that was out of state and sort of ruined their chances to meet up. Lapis remembers those months well, it was so lonely having no friends and nowhere to be. School was out she had already failed her senior year for the second time and had completely given up.

They had been broken up for a bit as college went on. Lapis often found herself at Peridots house even though she wasn't there. Peridots parents had liked her and thought of her as sort of like their child and had her come over for dinner often. Sometimes that'd be all the food she could even end up finding. She even ended up doing chores for them and getting paid an allowance, a pretty nice one as well, although it could have been pity.

One fortunate day though she found out Peridot wouldn't be coming home for spring break and that it'd be awhile before she came home. It wasn't spring break yet Lapis knew that at least and wanted to see her.

Lapis took all of her saved up money and rode a bus upstate for a day until she finally reached a town that she hadn't set foot in. She had a phone thanks to Peridots parents as well and began calling Peridot till she answered.

They talked often enough as is but not being able to see her best friend for so long wasn't going to fly. That day she found herself in some dorms and eventually to the door that Peridot had claimed as her own room, saved over text.

A nice grainy door that felt hollow on each of her light taps, she felt as if she could punch through the door and still not hurt her hand. A crash came from the other side and a bit after the crash came actual foot steps towards the door.

Lapis had just redone her hair before her adventure and made sure to brush it and dress in her clothes that didn't bare holes. A nice blue dress that swung just past her knees and a black blouse on top that together looked actually quite nice. Another Present from her second set of parents during the Christmas time.

When the door slid open slightly she was shocked on what she saw. Peridots blonde hair seemed to be matted everywhere and a bit longer than the last time she saw her. Her eyes were red with large black bags underneath and her glasses were haphazardly thrown on her face. Light yellow shirt that was way too large for her and then light grey sweat pants.

Her eyes opened wide as she saw Lapis standing there, like she had completely woken up in no time and Lapis just wore a smile back.

"Lapis! What are you doing here?" Peridot asked loudly, she was clearly a bit nervous but Lapis wasn't in the slightest.

"I just came to visit." Lapis took a step forward looking into the girls' room and seeing the disorganized mess on one side and on the other side not so much.

"Well… I can't, Lapis…" It seemed she was at a loss for words so Lapis pressed forward walking into the room to examine it further.

Peridot didn't exactly resist it either, seeming to give in and just let her into the room. Soon enough the door was closed behind them and it was pitch black in the room until the lights shuddered on. A blanket was draped over the window it seemed to keep out all natural light. Two beds one on each side and the one that wasn't the mess didn't have anything on it or near it really.

"You can't?" Lapis asked, she was ecstatic. So incredibly happy to see her best friend the mess didn't matter and neither did the fact that her friend was part of the mess. Just the presence was enough for her to bare a large smile as if fangs of her mood were poking through.

"Lapis I have finals next week and huge projects to work on, I really can't deal with you staying with me right now." Any regret on timing was completely pushed out of her head thanks to her mood.

"It's alright I'll try not to bother you too much I'm just happy to see you," Lapis said as she began to sit down on the messy bed. It sunk down a bit surprisingly comfortable along with the fluffy blankets thrown around the room, one was left on the floor.

"Lapis… How long are you staying?" Peridot asked and Lapis was amazed, she wasn't getting pushed out on the first day but instead allowed to stay for several. Lapis decided to push her luck a little bit further.

"How long will you let me?" Lapis asked beginning to wrap herself in the blankets around her. _Comfy_.

"Well… Next week I have finals so I guess you can stay till then as long as you're not distracting me. My other roommate moved out so that bed's vacant, why did you come on a Monday…?" Peridot groaned to herself as she approached beside Lapis and pulled a laptop out from underneath the beds frame.

"I just kind of came right when I found out you weren't coming home." Lapis honestly admitted, she liked being friends. They occasionally got into fights but for the most part the last couple years felt great, they were back to how they used to be.

"I see…" those words were Peridots way of saying something when she had other words on her mind. _She probably thought it was sweet…_ One thing Lapis didn't know whether she liked or hated about being friends was the fact that she still loved Peridot.

"So what's your plans for the day?" Lapis asked the blonde girl happily. The blonde was already spamming the keyboard with some weird pages up on her computer, full of just lines of words.

"Well I have a lot of work to do and that's what I'll be doing, what are you going to do?" Peridot asked with not really that much emotion to her voice.

"Eh the trip up here was pretty long I think I'm going to take a nap," Lapis said scrunching herself underneath the sheets into a tiny ball.

"Are you going to use the other bed then?" Peridot asked, turning back to look at the blob of blankets and everything. As soon as Lapis' eye caught the light green eyes looking back she shot her arms out of the blankets and grabbed onto the other girl.

"Nope, you were asleep before I got here weren't you?" Lapis asked thinking back to the crash, to be fair it was getting to be night. Peridot was resisting it first shuffling her body around trying to not let the laptop crash to the floor.

"Maybe… I don't exactly have a sleep schedule right now… just wake up work sleep a bit then work some more…" Peridot said slowly typing a few more things on her computer. It was hard for the blonde to move with Lapis' arms wrapped around her waist.

"Well go back to sleep then, c'mon." Lapis said and soon enough a sigh fell on the room and the laptop was closed and on the ground. They hadn't really snuggled since they broke up and Lapis forgot how much she missed it.

It soon enough became apparent that Peridot was mostly just too tired to fight Lapis at this point because she was quickly snoring and just letting Lapis be how she wanted.

Sometimes things were too vivid, like the feelings in her hand as she brushed past the blondes' hair as if she never left. Such softness and warmth, as her chest felt the heat of the girls back pressed right up on her. Then as her thoughts slowly went over to dreaming it turned into fear.

The fear of knowing what happens when you turn a page and being forced to no matter how reluctant you are. With that she opened her eyes taking in a heavy breath which turned into a cough. A cough that went for a few breaths as if to call out to the world about one of her habits.

Looking back in the car she noticed Steven's excited face looking around. Just outside the window was bridge that went just over a heavy churning river and past that was a series of cookie cutter houses.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Pearl said in a soft voice. Something that she probably didn't want Steven to hear but was ready for Lapis to hear. It wasn't of living though it was of surviving and as they stopped off in front of a large house Lapis breath wasn't steady.

"Woah! Is this where you're going today?" Steven begged for an answer with his voice that flung through the car with life. They were a series of townhouses connected that each held their own tiny lawns and seemed to tower up quite a bit.

"Yeah, I don't know how long I'll be here today." Lapis said wanting to get out of the car. Instead though she looked into the back seat after unbuckling. Reaching out she ran her hand through the brunette hair the boy had.

"Make sure to text me how it goes and when to pick you up," Pearl said obviously wanting to have complete tabs on the situation. Lapis was alright with that though, she deserved that.

"Yeah I will have a good day Steven and try not to tell your dad about me being back yet, alright?" Lapis asked thinking that would be the best way to not alert Greg yet. _He might get a little bit weird if he figures out the train wreck is back in the house, then again he doesn't have much room to talk._

"Why?" Steven asked, he usually liked to actually gossip quite a bit about things happening it was how Pearl got all her information on the man she despised.

"It's going to be a surprise," Lapis lied. But that little lie made a smile fall back on her and that lightened her day ever so slightly. "Thanks for the ride Pearl," Lapis said as she began to exit the car.

"Alright see you tonight," Pearl said back. Her expression showed all of her emotions in that instant and Lapis couldn't help but relate. It was worry on her face, those two eyebrows dangerously close to each other with a faint smile. It all spelled out the thoughts cornering the back of their minds.

What if in the end none of this helps and we're back to square one? Where are we going to find each other tonight? Are we even going to try anymore? And the last thought that was the most important and plain as day. I hope you're alright.

Closing the door, it wasn't until Lapis got on the concrete steps that car behind her even began to move away. It didn't speed off, it waited till she was safely away till it took a leisurely pace to rejoin the road. The front door was white and had a cute little white pillar pretty close by connecting to the second floor.

Once again she placed her hands lightly on the door till she racked up the courage to let her knuckles slam against the door. There were no crashes, no noises, nothing. Minutes strolled by and soon enough she found her seat as the concrete steps she had just walked past.

Sliding out her old phone she looked down at her contacts barely scrolling through.

"Hey Pearl she's still not home. I don't know how late I'll be. I'll message you when I have an ETA." The message was sent out but no way in hell would she get a response.

The other girl hated texting and driving or anything that really would distract her. Taking her eyes away from her phone she began to look across the sky. The sun wasn't exactly high up but it still wasn't anchored along the horizon. The mixture of concrete beneath her was slowly taking her heat away.

Lapis had stolen one of Pearls black jackets, so soon enough she had a cigarette in one hand and her lighter in the other. It was easier to think with the nicotine flowing freely, thoughts of her last big mistake were potent but today was different.

This was the final stand, her thoughts could be bad. Her eyes felt heavy and she didn't know whether she had any tears falling from her eyes or not, turning the page in her book was difficult. She knew she put her life around this girl and even once it was destroyed it remained there.

Her cigarette was running out and it was such a pretty area. Extinguished and thrown to the street she looked out. Houses right by a river and then some main roads so that you could take yourself anywhere.

Peridot had lived here ever since she had gotten her job and Lapis found out accidently but ever since their last argument she never had the courage to actually face this girl once again. Checking her phone she noticed a text from Peridot about an hour ago.

"Alright."

Simple both sides knew what the end of their day had in store. Lapis just wished she knew how it'd go.


	6. Joy Ride

A/N I have a little bit of a plan to show Lapis' past with Peri as it goes on, regarding the good parts and jealousy :). Thank you for the reviews I really appreciate them.

It had been the second night and Peridot was still hard at work on her projects on the computer. Constant taps filling the room along with irritated grunts every so often. Lapis loved the feeling of the heat coming off the blondes back as she snuggled against it.

Often pretending to be asleep and just enjoying the feeling of being there for her, had been the course of the visit so far. The bed was sunken in thanks to the weight along the edge and Lapis was quite impressed that Peridot hadn't fallen off. It was like they had reverted to a nicer time each time Peridot would lean back into her. Or when they would get up together and cook a small pot of ramen to share amongst them.

"Hey Peri, it's pretty late, before everything closes down want to get some dinner? It'll be on me." Lapis asked in a low voice trying to imitate a waking voice with low easing words. Silence engulfed them for a moment before Lapis began wrapping her wrists around the waist of the other girl.

"Alright… Just let me fix up this part, it'll only take five minutes." Peridot said and at last Lapis had open her eyes to gaze around. She had spent a fair amount of her time today cleaning up the room, doing laundry and other assortments of house work. Now there was actual walking space along the side of the bed unlike previously.

"Sure thing," Lapis lazily said pulling her body up and hanging it over the shoulders of Peridot. Her arms drapped just past the laptop and she made sure they were far off enough to the side to not interfere with the frantic typing.

"What are you doing?" Peridot said with a smile bordering her face and a slight nod of her head to check on the girl hunched over her. To that a smile was returned baring a few teeth, _she's actually smiling back at me. She's happy with me right now, it's been so long._

"Watching you," Lapis said back feigning boredom after she answered the question. Quickly looking over to the dull beige wall beside them earning a small snicker. "You're in a good mood?" Lapis curiously asked thinking of the full moon she must've been under.

"Yeah… It's just been a kind of harsh week you could say…" Peridot said those words without any further explanation and Lapis wouldn't allow that any longer.

"It's been a harsh week but you're happy?" Lapis asked wrapping her arms around the girls' neck now for a soft hug as her chin rested on the top of Peridots head. A grunt left the blonde as she tried to find the words to answer, _cute._

"I'm just trying to say… You've been… Alright thank you for cheering me up god, happy?" Peridot asked closing her laptop and shoving off the bed. Her bodies' absence nearly caused Lapis to fall off the edge of the bed. Quickly throwing her hands underneath to the mattress she caught the momentum as Peridot slipped the laptop under the bed and they began getting ready.

Each of them wore a pair of converse and Lapis had snuggly stolen one of Peridots large hoodies. A dull grey, void of color with a pitch black alien plastered on the front. She had a large phase in high school that she read up a bunch of alien facts, still many remnants of that phase hung around.

Bringing just a purse was sort of a bad idea, with the fact that she had no pairs of spare clothes and had to purely survive off of Peridot washing hers and then Peri's clothing.

Opening up the door way and they were quickly out into the dorm hallway smiling together walking to their destination. Lapis saw a lonely hand without the courage to grab on, they continued to walk. Talking about how the last year had been and what each of them had been up to.

Soon enough they were at the sandwich shop that was ran by fellow students and closed in less than ten minutes. Looking around it had a large window at the door but the rest of it fell back into the building as if it was hidden in a corner.

"Okay so why, is this place open till 10, don't places like this close like at the end of a school day?" Lapis questioned giving a large look around.

"Lapis now is not the time can you just order already," Peridot said clearly freaking out with the low amount of time left.

"Let's trade orders, I'll order yours and you'll get mine, deal?" Lapis tried to push onto her frantic friend. Which looked as if she could pull her hair out any moment.

"We'll order two tuna melts with all the vegetables on hers and only spinach on mine when it comes to the… vegetables." Peridot quickly moved passed Lapis as she spoke. _Fine I guess I'll let you order everything._

They took no time at all to make and Lapis pulled out her wallet to inspect it for a twenty. She had a little under a hundred dollars of spending money and after this week she'd be back to square one of barely surviving.

 _I was going to take her on plenty of breaks across her spring break, if I can't take that time then I'll find a way._ Those thoughts crossed her mind plenty when she sat alone at home and going through something without thinking was something she was good at.

She remembered that night as one of the best though, when they left the area they still had their food packed. Peridot had told her about an amazing spot for them to hang out at and she of course had listened. After a small walk they found themselves at a small park that had a small forest surrounding it.

"We could explore the forest sometime but you couldn't pay me enough money to go in it at night." Peridot solemnly said gazing out at it sitting down on a teeter totter. Lapis found herself at the other end slowly unwrapping her sandwich and trying not to shift the weight too much.

"Yeah sure, you know it's really freaking hard to eat on these things…" Lapis said nearly dropping her food several times in the process of unwrapping. Giving up she began lifting herself and walking over to one of the swings.

"Yeah… I rarely come here anymore, but on like my first year I found out about it." Peridot admitted getting up and heading over to the left over swing as well. Sitting down and she could feel the rubber harshly against her bottom.

"Why is there a random ass play structure here?" Lapis questioned slowly munching down on her food that lost most of its flavor on the overload of different items.

"A course for raising children and a daycare class I think…" Peridot answered slowing down her voice as she answered. "You know, I really am not sure why you came."

"To pick up some hot college babes." Lapis jokingly responded. _That idiot knows I'm here only for her._ Peridot seemed to get a small giggle out of that after a second, like she had to think it over a bit.

"Yeah definitely," Quietness set in as they finished their food. Once they were done Lapis sprung up for the swing and headed towards the play structure. It had several towers that had no roofs on them either.

"Come on up here!" Lapis shouted down to the mortal still resting her hips in the small seat of the swing.

"Seriously?" Peridots voice was dead as she asked whether Lapis was serious. Lapis just hung onto a rope ladder along the side shaking her head up and down. Her face wore a large smile as she watched the short girl slowly walk up to her as well.

Having an idea she waited until the girl had climbed all the way up as well. The structure itself wasn't the most comfortable but as soon as Peridot had followed her to the highest tower she laid down. Urging the blonde to join her yanking on her closest hand.

"Join me?" Lapis asked and with her other hand was reaching into her pocket for her phone. Soon enough Peridot was falling right into Lapis' hand and joining her for the event. Soon enough she was playing Pandora on an electric station, she didn't know the songs but she knew Peridot likely did.

"Huh… this is nice." Peridot said as she laid there, Lapis looked over to see closed eyes to which she looked over the girls face. Slightly puffy cheeks along with curling eye lashes that were on display when the blondes' glasses were on the tip of her nose and she could see through the open sides. Her blonde hair flailed everywhere beneath her and Lapis loved that she felt it on her cheeks and the new longer length of it.

Soon enough green eyes flickered and the blue haired girl blushed before looking away. She felt the heat rising to her face and the buzzing in her ear praying that no questions would be asked. As soon as she felt she was safe from any questions she focused on the sky. Stars were visible nearly in every crevice with a deep purple in some areas and lighter in others.

Soft clouds that were dark grey barely graced the sky as if it wanted to clear everything up in the end. A few shapes that could be made out as a dragon and within a minute losing all characteristics that turned it into that beast. Dragging her arms up, she placed one hand underneath her head and began patting the back of Peridots head with her arm till she lifted her head.

Together they laid there listening to music and once the sky was fully analyzed the blue haired girl closed her eyes and began to listen. Soft music wasn't nearly as easing as the thought that the person beside her needed to breathe as well. Something so small that it could be done without thinking was necessary for the beautiful perfection beside her. If it came to losing her breath then the blonde could take all of hers any time of the day.

"You know Peridot, I really think you're amazing." Lapis eased out of her mouth, said not to hear a response but just because she felt the other girl needed to hear it at the time.

"Lazuli…" It had been so long since Lapis' had been called that. Her chest felt as if it was swelling with joy at that simple name. "Thanks…" _She doesn't know how to respond likely… "_ I'm really glad you came down this week."

After a while they had both gotten up and Lapis forced Peridot to slide down the pitch black slide. Feeling the air brush past quite quickly, they enjoyed the ride back down. As they were walking back to the dorm with Peridot insisting that she had more work to get done, Lapis bravely reached for a lonely hand.

"Doesn't this remind you of when we were kids?" Lapis asked, waiting for her hand to be denied but it wasn't.

"Well that was back when we had to sneak out… Now we can do what we want because well… I'm an adult, you're still a child." Peridot coldly said back to her till a small laugh left her mouth.

Lapis remembers getting back to the dorm and quickly throwing herself back into the bed and watching the blonde once again. The night went by quickly and soon enough those breaths were manipulated by a dreamy state to loudly take over the sound. Small snores signifying the lack of consciousness. She always took longer to fall asleep than the blonde and that was alright.

"Lapis I got to work on things." Peridot said feigning irritation but she still held a smile aboard her face. Briefly she ran her hands through the mess of blonde hair that despite the few days without showers, still held its softness.

"Come on do you really want me to parade around naked that badly?" Lapis asked looking down at her clothes. She was working on her third day and still hadn't washed her clothes, it didn't bother her that much, but enough to make it an issue.

"Lapis I don't have time to do laundry…" Peridot said slowly looking back down to her laptop trying to ignore the girl past it.

"Well I don't fit into any of your clothes… I will fold and put away your laundry while you work but I can't use the students' washing machines." Lapis had figured out that students had a small building by the base of dorms with washer machines and driers.

"Fine give me like fifteen minutes." Peridot said and soon enough Lapis was already slow stripping off her few layers of clothes. By the point she had her blouse and dress taken off and Peridot only responded with an open mouth and wide eyes.

"What? Like what you see?" Lapis dead panned to the girl and she couldn't hide the smirk along the edge of her lips. Instead of responding Peridot dramatically shut her mouth and began staring back at her laptop. "Alright off with the rest."

"Shut it… and put on some clothes." A bright red face had lights shining back on it. Lapis wanted to parade around but instead put on Peridot's oversized hoody and rejoined the bed using the comforter to hide herself.

Peridots eyes often darted over to Lapis who barely had the hoody blocking her the start of her thighs. She noticed the glances and after the blondes' eyes looked low they'd pan up and they would lock eyes. Neither one giving way for a good moment till a brightened face would turn back to their computer.

Lapis loved that after all this time, Peridot was still tempted and that when their eyes were shared all the little things she noticed. It was like Peridot was ready to leave everything behind with a lighter grip on her computer. Her lips would have a slight part as if pleading to be pressed into.

"Fine I'll be back in a bit…" Soon enough the door opened and Lapis was left alone. Opening the pantry and she noticed that nothing remained in it besides a pack of ramen and other assortments of old items.

They'd need to go shopping sometime, meanwhile Lapis needed to shower. Luckily they had a shower installed since the room was meant to be shared with some people. Others moving out really was an advantage for them. The shower was connected to the neighbors' room so if one side was using it they'd have to lock the other door.

Opening the tiled floored room and soon enough she was waiting for the water to heat up. Occasional noises could be held past the other door and that freaked her out slightly but she learned to ignore them.

She didn't really think too much when she was in the shower, it was short and they were out of soap so she didn't get any real washing out of it.

Once she left the shower she however did notice something that displeased her slightly. Underneath each of the drawers were empty, no sight of a towel or anything along those lines. Back into the shower she went shaking her head vigorously and waiting to dry off a little bit.

Unlocking each of the doors she walked back into their room wondering what to do with her wet body. Soon as she closed the bathroom door behind her another one had opened. Peridot with her head looking towards her phone slowly lifting up.

"Lapis!" Peridot shouted slamming the door behind her, her voice was filled with utter shock. Lapis just held her mouth closed and wondered what to do with herself.

"Hi…" unlike previously she didn't have anything to cover herself with, nor was she prepared to be peeped upon. Peridot quickly threw her glance over to the side of the room and Lapis could see her pupils tempted to look back.

"Put on some damn clothes." Along the floor was the same hoody she stolen early, quickly picking it up and making sure to put it on the right way.

"I have no clothes, you took all of mine." Lapis said slowly pulling her head through the hoody. Once it was fully on she pulled the bottom down to hide her waist. Peridot looked back but was still extremely flushed in the face displaying bright red colors.

"God if it's not one thing then it's another." Peridot slowly said with her hand placed over her face but Lapis could see her fingers peeking past. Like an embarrassed child she would quickly look away once again.

"You actually do need to go shopping." Lapis said thinking back to the kitchen. Walking over to the bed she wrapped her wet body in the blanket once again.

"Yeah… I don't have time or money for that though…" Peridot said slowly joining her on the bed. Once Peridot's back pressed far enough back to touch the edge of Lapis she bolted up as if struck by lightning. "You're drenched! Why are you in the bed?" She pushed those words out of her mouth with force and quite quickly.

"I needed to take a shower and someone has no towels." Lapis struck back wondering whether Peridot would force her out of the bed or not. With the silence enveloping the space between them she realized that the blonde wouldn't be able to force her out of the bed. "How about once I'm done with laundry… well when you pick it up and bring it back of course. We go out shopping and then I'll cook you dinner?"

"You can cook?" Peridot questioned with a purely shocked voice. For a best friend to not know something so simple was pretty rare so she'd give her that.

"Nothing too complicated but hey if it has instructions I can try and follow those."

Lapis remembered every day of her adventures at college with Peri, those were memories she would fight old age to the death for. That day finished with them going out together and picking up supplies to make small homemade pizzas. Little slices of bread that were similar to pizza bread and then pizza sauce, cheese and to finish it off pepperoni.

They took no time at all and really allowed for Peri to work while Lapis did a bit of house work around her. She was always impressed by the blonde, but her shear amount of unwavering focus was something that Lapis' didn't understand. How can someone work for so many hours without breaks besides to use the restroom?

Over dinner she asked about it and figured out that Peridot had actually been avoiding a bit of her work and it had now caught up to her. It was make it or break it at last and Peridot wasn't willing to be forced to retake a term thanks to her own past procrastination. It was another reason that she was staying over spring break, to work on next term work and get ahead of the class.

Last piece of the night that Lapis remembered was the fact that Peridot complained quite a bit about the damp bed. Lapis ended up dragging her to the other bed which they ended up sharing that in the faith that it was theirs alone as well.

"Lapis?" Opening her eyes to the pitch black jacket that her head was laying in the crevice of. Looking up and a blonde with large black bags underneath her eyes was standing there with her arms crossed.

"You actually showed up." Lapis happily said unable to think of anything to properly say back to the girl.

"Well it is kind of my house…"


	7. Cravings

A/N The next chapter is probably going to be the darkest chapter just as a small warning. Thanks for the reviews I hope you enjoy this as well, also you can follow me on tumblr at adojoa. enjoy.

"So uh… long time no see huh…?" Lapis nervously said altering her eyes to gaze upon the concrete beneath the pitch black shoes ahead of her. Soon enough she was slowly letting her eyes travel up the legs cupped in black tights.

"Yeah… How are you," Peridot asked but her voice felt dead as Lapis slowly traveled. Peridot wore a dark navy blue skirt that led into a navy blue suit engulfing a white dress shirt. The buttons on the top were undone exposing her collar bone.

"Better now," Lapis said shifting her weight on to her thin wrists. Pushing up she met eye to eye to the girl ahead of her. Slowly the blonde was going through her black purse till a pair of keys fell into her hand.

"Come on in."

"Thank you. So how are you?" Lapis asked looking at the girls' hair clasped over through a series of pins. It was swept off to the side and besides the bags underneath her eyes, the girl going through the door way looked wonderful.

"I could be better." With the door left opened, Lapis walked through as if a portal to a different world. It was dark, nearly black with all the blinds closed and doors. With the light still bleeding in from the door Lapis noticed a mirror at the start and looked back at herself.

Eyes that wore more lines than her last visit with shadows engulfing her eyes as if she'd been punched in each one. A black jacket holding onto her small white shirt she stole, that stolen purity brought out all of her flaws. A mess of hair mostly black besides tips of dark blue that was fading. A small frown on her face as she closed the door.

Unnatural light bled through the room that Peridot had walked into, following she scanned over it. A large black couch and it was a long thin room that held the kitchen at the very end as well as a set of stairs leading to the second floor. Wooden flooring making it clear where each person was with each creak.

"So living here now…?" Lapis asked as she watched Peridot fling open a metallic fridge door.

"Yeah. Want like a microwave pizza or something?" Before Lapis even answered the blonde was already pulling out two and walking over to the oven.

"Sure." Lapis looking at the kitchen and the sink was full of dishes along with the living room filled of different dishes and paper plates. A single blanket crumpled up half on the couch and the rest fallen alongside it. "Do you live with anyone else?" Lapis curiously asked trying to get a bearing on the situation as well as herself.

"Kind… No I don't." Peridot said, this was the first time her voice held emotions and it definitely wasn't joy… Lapis holding her lips tight turned her head in an attempt not to make eye contact. An agonizing silence began forming around them, Lapis breath wasn't willing to break it. "I heard you live with Pearl right now…" Peridot casually said, maybe the aura was just in her head.

"How did you know?" Lapis questioned willing to let her eyes drag along the girls face now. It was a cold look, her eyes looked dead as if her life force was taken by the daylight she had finally banished.

"Pearl keeps in contact with me." Another button came undone and soon enough her suits jacket was flung on top of a chair resting by a table in the kitchen.

"You two know each other?" Lapis questioned thinking over her memories.

"Yeah, who do you think picked you up last time you showed up?" Peridot had a slight edge as she mentioned their last visit. Lapis didn't remember a visit in which Pearl picked her up from here, then again a few times were just memories of the car ride home. "Well, you were drunk and she kept calling your phone. I gave her my address and we exchanged numbers in case it happened again. Since I said I'd call the cops if it did…"

"Oh… Must have been a while ago…" Lapis thought pleading with her memory. It was a long walk so it had to have been when she had money, back when she still got money from Peridot's parents.

"Yeah over a year." Peridot shoved the pizzas into the oven as the beep serenaded them.

"And you still have her number?" Lapis questioned, _she's always about technology, no way, that she wouldn't have a new phone…_

"We keep in touch." Her eyes stared right back at Lapis at that moment as if to strike her with those words. Taking in a breath Lapis caught herself slightly shaky as her hands craved for nicotine.

"I see. So what happened today?" Lapis asked slowly walking out of the kitchen looking around. She was trying to change the conversation in hopes that it wouldn't harm her further. A few clothes were slung along the floor as well, no pictures were present throughout the area.

"Jeremy is a fucking prick and Vanessa doesn't do shit." She said back with a low voice following Lapis. Soon enough both of them were in the living room, Peridot grabbed a few of the clothes and flung them behind the couch.

"Ah… Do you not like it there?" Lapis asked, she felt like she wanted to lightly press her feet down with the thoughts of walking on egg shells.

"Yeah I love being a secretary. So much fucking fun." Peridots words had a ton of sarcasm in them as she spoke. "Definitely went to a school over computer technology to get here… filling papers all damn day and having other people walk all over me because their fathers run the damn place." Peridot was clenching her fist heavily and walking back to the kitchen.

Soon enough a beep did fill the room and Lapis could feel the tension holding her eyes planted on the wall. Just above was the TV with flashing colors that just felt like guilt for every ounce of entertainment.

Falling onto her lap was a small pizza that barely filled out the paper plate. Peridot then crashed beside her and quickly picked up the remote and started dancing between channels. Just a small piece with diced up pepperoni atop the fake cheese. Looking over and Peridot wasn't even giving her sly glances just small bites with a fixation on the television. Like a mindless drone, waiting for the next day to come regardless of her free time.

"What do you usually do with your free time?" Lapis asked and at last got to see her friends' eyes, a green shine had faded along with the smile.

"Alright, why are you here Lapis?" Peridot questioned bearing her teeth slightly with each word she shoved out.

"I wanted to see you one last time…" Lapis gave in staring into her lap. Thighs bouncing a small paper plate up and down that still held every piece of grub.

"Why?"

"What do you mean by that?" Lapis questioned and Peridot's eyes were not leaving her, a steady glance that could almost be a glare.

"Well you always come by to ruin my life, so what is it? Come to somehow get me fired or something." Her voice made Lazuli's bones feel like they were beginning to freeze adding to her nervous shakes.

"Well no…" Lapis tried to squeeze out.

"To what? If it's ruining my life then that's a lie… want a beer I'm grabbing one." Peridot said and all at once the venom had left her voice.

"Sure…" Soon enough Peridot had sat back down on the couch with a few cans of beer placed along the table

Opening up and the letting the drink stain the back of her throat easing her nerves slightly of a different addiction. _I need a cigarette._ Looking at the blonde in the eyes would get a quick glare and then suddenly it'd be completely gone with just a frown and a large exhale.

A ring drew them both away as Peridot pulled out a large smart phone, quickly reading over the name. She shoved it back in her pocket shaking her head in anger. Her toothy canines on display as she took heated breaths through closed teeth.

"Is something wrong?" Lapis dared to ask at last. Peridot shook her head slightly before a snarl peered on her lips but her face still just looked sad. _Whatever she says next is a lie._

" _No…_ Just the usual stressful day." No longer a dead expression, but as if tears could be bordering her face, Lapis' worse nightmare. A crying girl that she could no longer help except to bring more pain to. "You said this was the last time you'd show your face to me right?" Peridot questioned.

"Yeah…" Lapis cautiously answered.

"Alright, why did you want this final meeting?" Peridot asked making parentheses with her hands for final.

"I guess to finally close down this part of my life…?" A deep exhale could be heard as Peridot ingested the news. _I really need a cigarette… now._ "Want to come out for a smoke with me?"

"Smoke with you? No thanks… that stuff kills Lazuli." Peridot said sounding as if she was a better person. Her voice filled of reason made Lapis feel like a smaller person.

"So does alcohol…" Lapis said under her breath a little bit cold. Slowly shuffling through her pockets till she found a small box.

"You know what I think it is Lazuli?" Peridot asked drawing her attention away. Holding the small carton in her hand she looked over at the blonde who took a stand. "This isn't some dumb closure thing, you're too addicted to bothering me for that. No this is you wanting to see if for some miracle you can find a way to worm yourself into my life. Just so you know, I'm not forgiving you for all that you've done."

"No I swear, I'm going to be happy with Pearl now." Lapis choked out scratching the edges of the packet with brief openings before halting.

"You really think that?" Peridot asked dropping her head with those words. "Did Pearl really believe you? I mean who does anymore anyways?" Peridot said plunging the knife of feelings deep into Lapis chest, it wasn't a snarl or anything that was doing her in either.

The sad expression that she knew she was right in the end. Lapis was able to tell when she lied, when she was genuinely happy or when she was sad but this was the truth. The way the blonde started to pace as she thought about the situation more just solidified it.

"Lazuli… You need to get your life together and how long have you known that? It's been years, you can't blame your parents anymore for your flaws. You have just honestly ruined yourself, you barely even resemble yourself anymore… You couldn't even fool me into falling in love with you…" It was the saddest tone, the realization on how much a mistake their last chance was.

"I'm sorry…"

"Why are you sorry?" Peridot demanded and with that her face went cold again.

"Well I shouldn't be this way, you're right… I should be better." Lapis tried to respond but Peridot just shook her head once again.

"Lazuli you should only apologize if you actually mean something by it, when you ruined my grades in college did you do anything to help? No you got drunk and damaged my relationship with my parents. Then you disappeared," Peridot said back with more emotions flowing in, like life started pulling her eyes opening. "Lapis you're going to do the same shit you always do, say I'm sorry then get wasted and run away from anyone that could help you. The reason I'm glad I won't see you again is because I know you won't change you're parasitic and just ruin people.

"I mean look at Pearl for fucks sake, she has enough issues as is and is struggling to survive. What do you do to her? Use her as a place to stay and when she tries to separate you use her for emotional comfort." Peridots voice was changing tone to get a bit higher as she spoke.

"What do you know about our relationship?" Lapis questioned beginning to stand with the nervous itch becoming more prominent in her hands.

"We chat, she asks how to make you happy… I told her to break it off with you. She doesn't deserve what you'll bring to her life, she's already risking Steven when you're nearby." Peridot said turning off the TV as they spoke.

"What do you mean risking Steven?" Lapis demanded answers, her body felt something else flow through it. Something she never expected to associate with the blonde, anger.

"You know what I mean. If Greg finds out about how bad you are, constant cigarettes and alcohol then he's not going to let Steven come over. I can see your hand shaking already, what's it been an hour since you've came inside? You reek of smoke and frankly with the rule of no smoking in doors I'm risking it by having you inside."

Lapis felt like a deer in headlights and they showed no sign of stopping as her mind scrambled over her own thoughts. The rope was getting tighter around her head, and peridot was about to end it all and Lapis knew that it was well past that point.

"Yeah… Alright… What do you want me to do? Can you just tell me what to do or something?" Lapis questioned spreading her hands out and bringing her head a little bit lower. Tail was between her legs.

"It doesn't matter what I want Lapis, I really shouldn't matter at this point. What do you want?" _To die…_ Peridot brought her can of beer to her lips with a brief sip intervening in the conversation.

"I just want you back… I want to fix things between us. I mean we were great and you could lead me back into a good spot if you'd just let me be with you again."

"I told you I don't like random visits and what do you do? I told you to do your work or you wouldn't graduate. I've told you to fix yourself and what do you do? You've fucking come to me again hoping that I'd be weak enough to take you back well you know what I don't fucking need anyone in my life. I can be happy alone and I will get to a better job, which I can work alone, and be alone soon enough." Her voice was getting richer emotions the longer it went on, something was definitely wrong with her.

"What's wrong Peridot?" _She may be telling the truth but something is bringing out the venom in her voice. I'm going to figure it out…_

"I think it'd be best if you handled your cravings and left Lapis." Peridot shook her head, once again that spark had died. Her very own being dragged back on the couch as she took several large chugs of her drink.

"Is that really what you want? Or do you want to talk about something that's bothering you?" Lapis asked, her eyes had tears still processing the words that spilled out. She felt hollow as she asked those words like a shell that just wanted one victory.

"What I want is for you to leave me alone, you know where the door is." Peridot said turning back on the television. A new color pallet traced along both their faces with the TV painting across their pale faces.

"Alright, I love you… Bye for good." Lapis said listening for the reaction, all she heard was a short grunt as Peridot held her head to the side. Walking away her whole body started shaking as her tears finally spilled forward. Letting her body fall along the wall near the door she rubbed her blurry eyes looking over at the mirror one last time.

A final attempt to smile and she could have sworn what she saw wasn't her anymore but a shell of what once had a human. It was a butterfly that never came just a barren chrysalis. Each sip and every breath ended up being unclean and she now knew how tainted she truly was.


	8. Departure

A/N Yo so this chapter gets really dark and deals with suicidal thoughts and stuff regarding that area. So if that bothers you a lot I'd really recommend skipping this chapter and that after this point the story won't be as dark. Hope you enjoy also this chapter is in first person and the rest of the story will be as long as you guys like it like that. Have a good one.

[Hey Pearl I'm very happy to say that I think I finally have some closure and that I'm ready to start over. I'll see you tomorrow and we can finally start to live happy together. For now have a good night.]

 _One quick last memory huh? Yeah I deserve this… Why did I ever have to do that, everything would have been perfect if I just left… If I just ended it there… Or much sooner._

It was bordering on our last few days shared together, and it happened, it was an accident but I didn't stop it… _I knew it was happening for god's sake there were signs everywhere._

"Lapis I'm ahem… actually glad you came," Peridot said to me with a large smile on her face, it felt so good to see that again. _I don't deserve this kindness… I need to change this…_

"Lapis why did you come here…" _That's right… this is what I deserve…_

Clouds weren't visible in the sky as tears lead over my eyes, like a bleeding memory. For a few glimpses a clear mind would be present until the street lights were present once again.

"Hey Lapis… It's been a lot of fun and I'd really like to make out and sleep together all day but I really need to get these projects done." I remember the feel of the bed and the way even after hours of pounding away at a keyboard she'd glance back. Back with that damn smile that caught me.

"How about you just have one drink with me? Then I'll go to sleep and when I wake up I'll head home and then I'll get a job and visit you when I can again." Those words fell happily, I knew what I was doing… _God dammit._

"Alright one drink…" Peridot slowly said as she tucked away her Laptop, that was her last night before finals and mine there…

"I'll grab everything." Slowly pulling out the bottom shelf, cheap ass vodka that only stains your mouth with distaste for every milliliter. Placing it along the floor as Peridot sat there crossing her legs with her palms along the soft carpet floor.

"I don't want to drink that much Lapis…" _I don't know did we play a game or just drink? How did it end up your hand on mine…?_

 _"_ How about."

[ _Lapis where are you?]_

"We just tell stories of what's happened since we've seen each other? Each time we have something similar happen we have to drink?" I had asked tilting my head slightly bringing more movement into the paused room.

 _She didn't want to drink that much… It was so much easier to have her keep drinking though the tipsier she got… She didn't want to drink in general._

 _One thing I remember that night, I never related with her stories… She always had something interesting about her classes or how she felt she was actually learning so much._ _Sometimes I'd drink just to try and appeal to her, just one more of those unforgettable smiles._

"Lapis is that really all the stories you have… Why are they all so sad," She asked that… _She fucking asked me something I couldn't explain, why had the world just tethered me behind a car because you know what? you were going somewhere and I couldn't keep up. You only dragged me along because…_

"Hey it's alright, I'm going to lay down for a bit… well I mean, I'm going to sleep, and did you want to join me?" She usually had so much resilience but not that night… Air escaped my body while I waited for a response, waited for a glimmer of something positive.

"Alright…" _That single decision is the moment I was fooled, really I thought we'd be together ever since then…_

Bright street lamps shimmering in my eyes drew away the soft touch of your hand along my arm. It took away the vibrant eyes and replaced them with headache inducing light. Cold winds pushing away the last embrace I felt from you as I look at the bridge. Hair flowing into a constant mess, slowly reaching through the scratchy pockets on my jacket.

I can feel my hands shake, finally steering my vision towards the carton. Shaking free the lighter in the other pocket it flickers for a brief moment. A small canister on its last breath of heat to light up the cigarette, barely able. _Just one more drop…_

A breath that taste like slime and charcoal flows down my throat as I watch the waves crashing beneath. They're so pitch black, crashing against the dark brown edge as if it was all a void that devoured everything. Laying my arms along the metal edge of the bridge and taking in another large breath.

The cold surface of metal could only be felt on that palm touching it while my eyes close ever so slightly with each breath. A few areas felt grainy as years of rust was inevitable for some areas. Vibrations loud enough to reach my ear began to drone on as I tried to relax. Texts or calls… or a mixture of both… _It doesn't matter, but what do they say…_

[Please… where are you? I'm coming to get you and if you don't respond well then I'll find you alright?]

 _[I'll see you tomorrow don't worry about it.]_

 _Where was I? A final memory? I guess a fitting one… What if the afterlife is just your final thoughts…? Then I could make it my own hell huh…?_

I remember that train ride… the way I felt as I got abraded with what had happened in that day and that one final phone call…

"Dear god Lazuli I didn't finish any of my projects thanks to you and even missed a full class since I never set an alarm last night… Lazuli why did you come? You knew I had my finals the next day but you still insisted on staying through last night."

The bus was lonely… Only a few strangers and the ones that did show up, looked a bit terrifying. All of them holding stern frowns or looking as if they were on something altering their mind, not to be trusted.

A small seat in the back that's cushion had tears along its side and wore many colors through it all dark. _The last moment that I actually remember well…_

"Hey Lapis… Seriously… You knew everything I had to do, so what happened to just sitting back and letting me get my work done?" Peridot said clearly agitated on the other side.

"What happened…?" I nervously asked, gazing into the corner of the bus just alongside the wall. Peridots voice had hitches in it and it was obvious that she was crying…

"I freaking threw up in class and had to leave, since I missed the first class without calling in or anything they won't let me turn my project in… I don't know if I'm going to pass them anymore…"

"Were the projects really worth that much?" I asked, feeling myself well up slightly at the thought of the damage I caused… Eventually Peridot took a large breath as if to retake control of her body.

"I already told you I was behind in class Lapis… I have to go… We'll talk later…" Without a chance to say good bye, a beep had signaled the end of the call.

Dragging out another cigarette and watching a few cars stream by, only a few pass every minute or so. It's weird how a busy street during the day can become so abandoned by the time it reaches night. _The last cigarette, it'd be nice to burn this one all the way through…_

 _Oh shit I still have Pearls' shirt… I hope she'll forgive me at the very least. It's so nice and clean and actually feels good even now, it probably reeks of smoke… how does she never smell so horrendous? How many cigarettes have I even had today?_ _I wish those lights hanging along the bridge would all just shut off and leave this place in the dark, just for tonight, that'd be nice._

I close my eyes and think of the harsh feeling of the thick door that held shared memories behind it. _Their worried faces._

The first thing I did when I got home was go to my second set of parents' house, knocking on their door nervously waiting for them to answer. Pressing my fingers together in a hope that it would actually relieve some stress. _It didn't._

When they finally came to the door it was like a family show with the daughter returning and both of them getting the door and standing there smiling… They had no idea what I had actually came to share. Welcoming me in, like their own child and being generally pleased that I had gone and visited their child.

"Hey can we have a talk real quick?" I asked staring off to the side of the door where it was held in by screws and a shiny metal plate.

"Sure thing…" Mr. Olivine said, walking us over to the living room. They sat along the couch and offered me a seat as well, something felt too right about standing though and I knew what it was.

"I kind of have something I need to tell you guys…" I nervously said.

Soon enough I had told them of the whole visit practically everything that happened and explained how it was my fault. The way I distracted her from her homework for several days making her projects a lot worse than they would have been. The way I got her drunk the last night before her finals when all she wanted was a single drink, probably something to calm her nerves.

Mrs. Looked like she was going to cry while Mr. was clearly taking deep breaths to contain his anger. I wasn't breathing, I was forcing all those words out of my mouth as quickly as I could as a nervous wreck. Shaking arms and eyes that couldn't hold contact for any amount of time, the constant tapping of my feet.

"Why?" They asked… I explained our relationship and how it had failed and that it wasn't going to work again. The fact that she was likely avoiding returning home because of me and the real reason she didn't like that I had spent some nights here alone. How could they let this monster into their child's life and not known the damage it had caused.

After that I ran home, with the door slamming open, no eyes turned towards me, nothing changed. Slamming the door back shut and running all the way into my real room, with nothing in it but a broken mattress and torn up walls.

A ringing phone and blurred eyes that didn't want to pick up, as soon as they saw the caller ID, I had to though.

[Lapis please respond and tell me you're alright…]

"Hey Lapis… I just kind of got a call from my parents about some things and we kind of need to talk or at least I have a few things I need to say. I never want to see you again, I don't want to hear from you again. You know you really got me this time… You really did…" Her voice had pain in it, so much. "I thought that just maybe everything could be alright, but boy was I wrong and in this week you single handedly threw my life into a downward spiral so don't call back. Don't text me, don't come to my parents' house again and so in this call I just wanted to say… Wow thanks."

The phone signaled its ending right after that with a short beep and once again I was alone in a house that no one cared about. A room that had no presents of life just me… Soon enough wind and waves would sweep me away from this place… away from these thoughts.

 _Well you always come by to ruin my life._

 _That's true… That didn't end up changing now did it?_ One last look to the sky to see if anything was looking down back at me… vacant.

 _Worm yourself into my life._

 _I really didn't think you'd take me back… You've gotten so far, I'm sure your parents are proud and all those things have been forgiven._ A numb mouth with a tongue that could barely speak most of the time.

 _Just so you know, I'm not forgiving you._

 _I don't expect you to, frankly I hope you never hear of this._ _Well Pearl will probably find out… Poor Pearl… She's been so sweet and I haven't even been able to repay her in any way…_ I felt the new wave of fresh tears filling my eyes at those thoughts.

 _You couldn't even fool me into falling in love with you_

 _Yeah I know I'm not me anymore…_ Looking forward and the stains of ambers were finished at the end of the cigarette. _Well it looks like that's finally over… I think I'm ready._

I Press my foot forward along the edge of the guard rail, I begin to lift my body. Spitting out the filter with one last look at the black waves.

 _I think it'd be best if you handled your cravings and left Lapis._

 _You and me both…_

 _I'm sorry Pearl._

"Lapis Please wait!" I let my eyes trail away from the void below me. Hand still tightly holding on to the rusted metal along the bridges guard rail.

Pearl was frantically crying waving her phone in one hand out the door of her car. She looks like a complete wreck with her eyes nearly closed thanks to her puffy cheeks and squinting her eyes as if to push out the tears.

"Please don't do it, Lapis you can't, please don't." _Why is she saying this…? Why is she here?_ Her car parked right on the bridge as she ran out. Keeping that phone in her hand, like she had a death grip holding it there…

Her arms quickly engulfed me as she slowly pulls me away from the edge. It wasn't harsh or sporadic but like a calm pull to ease away the scenery.

"Lapis you can't leave me too," Pearl painfully says as she slowly nuzzles her head into my shoulder. Her face is wet and warm…

"Pearl it'd just be better if you let me go…" I squeeze out of my lungs trying to avoid her eyes. Shaking from my center all the way to my chattering jaw as I let the warmth envelope me.

"No, I'm so sorry…" _Heartbreaking._

 _"_ Why? What could you possibly be sorry for?"

"I shouldn't have, I shouldn't've pushed you away the other day. I mean hell I thought if I sent you away maybe you'd get better. I don't understand myself well much less other people, dear god if you would have gone I'd have thought it was all my fault. You're still here though and I was so scared." Pearls speech was coming out a mile a minute.

"Dear god Pearl…" I say trying to steady my own words, pulling my hand through her soft mash of hair. My emotions felt as if they were slowly subduing in fear of breaking the other girl.

"Oh no I said too much, I'm so sorry Lazuli." Her voice was bouncing through my body as if echoing through my hollow cage.

"You're fine…" _You're more than fine… how could you do so much for me… I think I feel a little less like death right now…_

"Please tell me how I can help you…" _Definitely less…_ Her voice was there for me.

"Well let's just go home for now…" Shoulders feel like lead as do my eyes and my poor feet have to hold all of it up,

"Oh uh sure thing."

"Hey can I play music from your phone on the way home?"

"Alright" Pearl finally let her death grip die as she passed off the phone to Lapis.

 _2010_ and the screen opened up after pressing through those numbers. Before any music she was scrolling through the contact list. An old picture of Pearl and I at a lake, we were both smiling, that was the first day we got to take Steven somewhere.

"Thanks Pearl."


	9. Change

"Hey Pearl…" Lapis said softly as they laid in bed together. Blankets folded up into a long roll with Lapis arms gripping around it waiting for a response.

"Yeah?" Pearl asked back, clearly half asleep with how her words came out as more of a groan.

"Where do I go from here?" Shuffling of blankets and soon enough another heat was present, closer. With the slight glimmer of grey from street lights outside, Lapis could see the outline of Pearl looking at her.

"I don't know… What do you want to do?" Pearl asked back. Pearl took in a breath clearly with a small runny nose. Lapis wasn't quite sure if it was due to all the tears spilt earlier or if she was getting sick, she just wanted her better though.

"Could you give me a haircut tomorrow?" Lapis asked, Pearl always gave Steven haircuts. Pearl gave a soft laugh, it was small breath and a grey line showing a smile.

"I'd love to… I have to pick Steven up early tomorrow, how about when I get back after I'm done making him breakfast." Pearl said in a low tone with a dash of joy.

"Alright… I'll let you sleep, thank you." Lapis said staring at the girls lips making sure that the small smile wasn't a trick of the light. It was there, it was persistent.

"One more thing Lapis." Pearl said and soon enough a slender finger came below Lapis' chin and drew her chin up. Placing their faces together for a small kiss before Pearl drew away. "Good night Lapis."

"Good night."

Waking up to the usual sight, curtains closed but the white bleeding through, to the side of the curtains. Inside the bathroom held noises of the shower bombarding the floor. Lapis could almost feel the heat and steam from the bed with the familiar thoughts of previous showers with Pearl. Remembering the burning sensation running along her body, to which was the usual for Pearl, like she deserved each burn.

Soon enough the door opened with a white towel wrapped around her slender frame. They caught each other's eyes at the open door, one alert, the other one half closed as if any second sleep would take them once again. Her shoulders were red with the remanence of heat from the previous boiling water.

"Awake eh? Want to join me for picking up Steven?" A slow shaking head in a mesh of blankets was the response. "Very well, I'll see you soon alright?" That was the last thing Lapis remembered of the morning before she opened her eyes once again.

 _It'd probably be best if I actually got up now… Steven and Pearl are probably already here…_ Slowly rummaging through the room till at last she found a pair of pants to ad to her T-shirt she wore to sleep. Walking over to the mirror in the bathroom just to look over herself.

Throwing on the sink to pat down some meshes of hair with water. Water seeped down giving a brief chill to her scalp, not quite appreciated when she was trying to enjoy her tired grogginess. Like putting herself in a less worldly mood, while everything took more effort, it felt less real.

Leaving towards the kitchen and noticing the barren walls. She made a mental note of how open the house was. No noise was bouncing through the house and it took till Lapis was in the kitchen to realize she was all alone.

Along the counter was three apples and a salad held in large see-through bowl. _I should probably have a cigarette before Steven gets here…_ Going through the kitchen searching the top cupboards till she found another pack of cigarettes and a new lighter. Then heading towards the back, which held a small door letting her out to the side of the house. A few feet away was a fence that made it feel like the corridor of the house continued outside.

Taking in that deep breath and still no one was home. Today felt heavy and Lapis was willing to admit that it was her fault for that. _I'm so sorry for last night Pearl… I'm so sorry,_ Lapis forced herself to stop thinking after that. Trying to remain calm with the diminishing cigarette. Bending down and scraping it on the ground she slowly left it there to be picked up later. Occasionally did that when there wasn't a tray, Pearl hated it but Lapis did pick them up.

Walking back inside and comments came into her head as she thought of Peridot… _Do I really reek of smoke that badly…?_ Waiting at the counter was one of Lapis' favorite time wasters. Staring at the white glossy counter until she rested her head on it. Giving a quick sniff of herself… nothing like always. _Guess smoke constantly entering my nose doesn't help… I should quit… this stuff will kill me…_

Looking up and a quick idea entered Lapis' mind. Walking around the kitchen till the knife block was in front of her. Slowly unwinding a large knife that held a shine along its side, perfectly clean like most things used often.

Grabbing behind the knife block to pull out a cutting board and quickly looking over the salad again. Grabbing the first apple and slowly running it under water before placing it firmly down. _How does she do this…?_ _She needs one of those apple slicers,_ Lapis thought as she remembered an old circular one that she had used several times at Peridots parents place. 

Running it perfectly down the middle and cutting it in half went smoothly, making her realize a flaw. Seeds distributed all across the center of both chunks. Taking the knife along the edge she cut the sides off and soon enough had the first one cut up and grabbed a plate to place it on. The second one avoiding the center, creating a small, long cube out of the center.

 _I can help too… I guess I can do something._ Lapis thought staring down at the progress, the two people she knew she had helped. Finally soon enough she was finishing the last one. A chunk laid along its side, interrupted by the noise of the door opening. Looking away briefly as she pressed down, the knife slid along the apples slide straight into Lapis' index finger.

"Shit!" Lapis yelled out which caused stomping feet quickly coming from the front door.

"Lapis Language! Steven's here!" Pearl yelled running in and quickly soon enough her eyes shocked went wide at the sight ahead. Lapis sitting there with a knife and her frantically looking for something to cover up her finger. Red quickly dripping off causing splats along the floor.

"Sorry Pearl… I kind of slipped," Lapis said back, pulling her shoulders up in a shrug, clearly bothered.

"Dear god Lapis are you alright." Pearl was quick to pull out a small white towel from a drawer to throw it over her hand.

"Yeah doesn't hurt that bad…" It didn't hurt Lapis that badly, if anything it was more so a shock to have something like that then that bad of pain.

"Hold this around your finger," She said quickly turning around and seeing Steven behind her. "Steven go into the living room, watch TV while I clean this up, then I'll get you food." Pearl said herding Steven off to the side. The boy held a concerned face and it was clearly something he wouldn't forget.

"Lapis' are you alright?" He yelled out before Pearl could fully get him into the living room area. Even with lack of walls towards it, he made sure to ask quickly.

"Yeah, just a small cut…" Lapis nervously said constantly watching the red envelope the white rag. Pearl was quick, already spraying around with a disinfectant and was wearing obnoxious yellow gloves. "Sorry Pearl… I wanted to help…" Lapis followed it by a huge sigh. Looking up from the mesh of red to see a small smile from Pearl.

"I appreciate it Lapis… I'll teach you how to cook some things if you want." Pearl happily said clearing out everything from the counter that wore red splatters.

"At least those other two apples are still good," Lapis nodded her head off to the side that held two plates of apple slices.

"Alright," Pearl shook her head slightly at the sight but she wore a smile. "How deep is the cut? Do you need stiches or should I wrap some gauze around your finger and tape it?" Lifting up the rag slightly and it was just a mesh of red, hard to see any skin much less the source.

"I'm not too sure…" Lapis honestly said.

"Here wash it in the sink," Pearl said turning on the cold water. Lightly pressing her finger into the path of water and she could feel the skin peeling slightly back thanks to the water… That was causing it to hurt a little bit.

Revealed underneath wasn't too big of a scrape, just near the end of her finger clipping the edge. Pearls hands were wrapped softly around Lapis' wrists as she was inspecting the cut. The rubber sticking them together as Pearl attempted to leave. She quickly threw off the gloves into the trash, reaching through for bandages.

"Here you are," Pearl said as she slowly wrapped some gauze around the cut. Her thin fingers moving with precision, Lapis couldn't help but stare at the girls face quickly after. She looked so determined, so in the moment. Just like what she was expecting though, when Pearl left that livelihood left, like a visible drain of energy.

"Thanks Pearl." Looking back at her finger perfectly wrapped up.

"You're welcome," Pearl said turning around inspecting everything from the two apples to the salad. "Alright Steven I'm going to bring you some food now, also thanks for cutting up the apples Lapis."

"No problem." Lapis said grabbing a plate and dishing herself up with a small amount of salad before rummaging through the fridge to drench it with ranch. Having to avoid using her left hand from that point. Trying to shuffle it into her pocket proved to be unwise as it hurt and clipped the bandages on her jeans.

Slowly leaving them towards upstairs, it hurt. Already screwing things up on something simple, didn't exactly leave her with a lot of confidence.

"Where are you going?" Steven blurted out with his body turned around and hanging over the back of the couch.

"Yeah Lapis, come sit with us, that is as long as you don't need a breath of fresh air or something." Pearl said with her hand patting the free space on the couch beside her. _I could go have a smoke…_

"You sure?" Using their answers as a final decision, if it was…

"Yeah," Both of them said, both wearing a smile.

Taking her plate over and beginning to sit down at the television beside Pearl. Pearl scooped up a majority of her apple and placed it on Lapis' plate right as she sat down.

"Thank you… we have to do your hair cut soon and also this show makes no sense." Pearl said with a bit of worry in her voice and the more Lapis watched the more she understood Pearls' side. Weird character interactions and a lot of dramatic crying.

"You just wanted someone else to suffer through this with you," Lapis lightly said which caught a laugh out of Pearl.

"Hey this show is good guys…" Steven sullenly said over to them.

"Oh I said nothing Steven…" Lapis lied and began looking at the apple slices that lingered on her plate. Steven didn't respond except for with a gasp as something happened on the Television. He started pointing to the screen in excitement.

"You know what this means, they'll finally get to see each other again!"

"Hey Pearl… you can have this apple, it's my fault I screwed up the other one." Lapis said wanting to force all of the apple slices back onto Pearls plate.

"Well you need to eat more as is, so just take it." Pearl said confidently with her head looking up as she spoke those words. _I need to eat more? You're a twig…_

"I'll take half…" Lapis said as she began balancing the plate on her left hand and scraped a few over to Pearl.

"Fine." With that they started watching TV together again and it flew by quickly and by the time she was done with her food and it was pushed off to the side she noticed something. Slender fingers wrapped around hers, low into the couch as if to hide it away from Steven.

"Hey Lapis, now that we're done eating, I should give you that haircut so that Steven is only watching one more episode. Can't have him at the Television all day." Pearl said swiftly getting up and grabbing both of their plates. She also let those words have a complimentary wink at the end.

"Alright… where are we doing this?" Lapis asked slowly following her, she more so pushed her hand down on the couch to slowly raise herself. Not quite as graceful.

"Just over here," Pearl pointed to the area between the kitchen and living room, as if, so they could guard Steven the whole time.

"Glad I'll be able to keep watching the show then." Lapis sarcastically said under her breath. Pearl caught it though and gave her a small shake of her head. She was still smiling though, and this time Lapis smiled back as well.

It took a moment for the haircut to be set up. They had to grab a stool and Pearl had to find the correct scissors along with other tools to use. Lapis liked this large black blanket like thing that she wrapped around her, it felt like a reverse cape. Before they even started, Pearl was running her fingers through her hair, all over her scalp. It felt nice, it felt like attention.

"How short do you want it?" Pearl asked grabbing chucks of hair as if to show different levels.

"I don't know maybe a few inches above my shoulders," Lapis said thinking about how long it'd been since her last haircut. Her hair grew pretty slow but still giving her body the lack of care she did, it ended up growing a bit.

"Did you want to dye your hair again sometime as well?" Pearl asked already getting to work and taking off large amounts of hair.

"Uh… Maybe… I'm not really sure yet." With this, all the blue in her hair would be gone. Little snippets at the ends of her strands, gone, reminders of it wouldn't be present when she looked in the mirror anymore. "I don't think I want to dye my hair for a little bit…"

"Excellent." It's like Pearl had an idea of what it meant. Lapis knew what she wanted to change about herself, even if it'd take a bit. It didn't help though that the whole haircut reminded her of when she'd get them with Peridot…

How the girl would struggle as if her life was on the line and once she'd be in the chair she wouldn't move an inch with those blades circling her head. _Stop it…_ Lapis said trying to remind herself to not think of that anymore. She felt heavy as those thoughts passed by, hanging her head a bit lower till she was reminded to keep herself straight from Pearl.

Trying to distract herself, she started a conversation with Pearl as she worked. They kept it up through the whole time except when Pearl deemed needing more focus. Soon enough it was done, standing up felt great. She felt different, it was nice but besides that difference she also felt itchy with strands all over her back.

"Do you mind sweeping this up?" Pearl asked as she began putting away her tools.

"Sure I'm going to get some fresh air real quick though," Lapis liedf.

"Alright also when you shower make sure to throw those close with the rest I'm doing laundry after we take Steven home."

"Okay."

"Did you… perhaps want to help me fold the laundry once it's done?" Pearl asked twiddling her fingers nervously.

"That sounds nice," with that Lapis left to go get her fix.


	10. Play Mates Part One

A/N Hey I'm really sorry for the delay it's been really hard to write lately but I'd like to say I'm back to hopefully weekly updates :)

"Pearl… What are you going to do?" Lapis asked, as she slowly watched the girl heaving over the toilet.

"Steven is going to be here soon… I can't just say no…" Pearl's voice echoed through the room, from her speaking over the toilet.

"How about this, I can take care of Steven." Lapis happily said back. Faking her emotions, because inside she was sad looking at Pearl. Willing to do anything to help, and she knew that Pearl would let Steven come over no matter what today. After those words, Pearl wore a concerned face as she looked up.

"Lapis… Greg doesn't even know about you living here again. I had to tell Steven to not talk about you." Pearl's words cut deep into Lapis' internal thoughts. The idea on which she was still some creature that couldn't be talked about.

"You're in no shape to look after him. Answer the door and once he leaves, you go back to sleep." Lapis said a little bit more determined. Lines and patches of black were held underneath Pearls eyes.

"Fine…" Pearl said after a long sigh. Soon enough lapis was helping her up towards the sink. Washing her face up with a damp rag, that hung off the side of the counter.

Yesterday was spent cleaning for the most part, learning where things went. Today Pearl was going to show her how to properly cut up vegetables but that seemed a little unlikely now. A noise came crashing through the house signaling visitors. It was the door bell.

Immediately Pearl's eyes shot open, as she tried to make her way to the door. Barely done cleaning off her face, and it was obvious how damaged she was. Her steps were slow and lacking in their usual precision. Her breaths were heavy with each step taking a whole chest full of air. However her mind was determined to not show Greg weakness.

Walking beside her, Lapis linked their arms trying to take off some of the pressure. Till finally the door was just in front of them, to which Lapis left to hide. The laundry room right beside them was an easy spot to just shut the door and wait and listen.

Small noises of the door scraping off its hold before silence of its movement. The bubbly voice of Steven echoing through the house and through Lapis' mind. Noise that made a movement everywhere it went, and mostly in the muscles of people's lips, causing smiles. Steven had always been great at making people smile. As she caught herself smiling she had to try and listen in on the other voices.

"Steven I'll meet you in the kitchen… soon." Pearl said, clearly sounding weak. To respond to that was a whisper of a voice that Lapis couldn't make out. Clearly Greg didn't want Steven to hear either. Soon enough both of them were whispering to Lapis' frustration. "Well we'll be fine, I can still take care of him better than you ever could." Pearl said breaching their whispering voices.

"Alright, alright chill, I'm just worried y'know. Hey buddy I'll see yah tonight alright?" Greg yelled the last part across the house which received an 'alright' as well. As soon as the door scraped once more, Lapis slowly opened her door. Which only held the breath of moving air and the turn of the nob.

The sight ahead of her was Pearl slumped over by the door, her forehead pressed into it. Her hands both wrapped tightly hiding away the handle beneath her thin bones. Eyes of worry as they purveyed around her, till they locked with Lapis. A bitter sweet smile they both shared in that instance, that wasn't shared with the other guest.

"Pearl are you alright?" Steven said, standing in the hallway with a look of fear. As soon as Pearl had noticed that Steven saw, she mirrored his fear.

"Steven… I'm perfectly fine, it's just that… I don't feel too well today." Pearl said slowly pushing herself off the door.

"That doesn't sound very perfectly fine…." Steven said lowly back, clearly worried.

"Hey Steven, because she doesn't feel very well today, I'm going to look after you. Are you alright with that?" Lapis asked slowly walking between the other two. He seemed to be trying to look around Lapis to get glimpses of Pearl.

"Will she be alright?" Steven asked.

"For goodness sakes Steven of course I'll be fine. I just happen to need a little rest." Pearl said, standing tall with a smile on her face. Lapis was jealous of how well Pearl could fake being fine, Lapis always knew she wasn't fine and that she couldn't hide it well.

"Yeah so are you alright with hanging with me today?" Lapis asked, watching every motion of his face, trying to pick it apart in her head to figure out what each movement meant. That was it though, he was a kid and most movements were pretty simple.

"Okay." Steven said with a smile on his face.

"Alright but can you do me a favor and go into the living room, I need to talk with Pearl a little bit." Lapis said to which Steven nodded and ran out into the Living room.

"Why'd you do that?" Pearl asked with her head slightly tilted and her eyes half closed showing her tiredness. Lapis let out a small sigh regaining her composure.

"Well I'm going to help you get to bed real quick."

"What?" Pearl said and before she could finish Lapis had already wrapped Pearl's arm over her shoulder. "I really don't need any help, I'm fine, really Lapis." Pearl kept saying, but the further they got the more weight she let rest on Lapis. Lapis was determined to help her out through this and after they completed the stairs it became easy.

"I also have one more thing I want." Lapis said slowly opening the door and bringing her to the bed.

"Very well what is it?" Pearl asked to which Lapis responded. Pulling Pearls body around to face her, she ducked her head forward. Bringing their lips together for brief contact feeling the heat emanating from each other. "Lapis! You could get sick!" Pearl dramatically said before she sat down on the bed.

"It's a good night kiss." Lapis said back before turning around to leave for downstairs. She wore a smile as she ran her feet quickly down the stairs.

As she walked into the room that held another human she noticed that he had already dragged a few of his toys out along the floor. _What do I do? Do I just sort of leave him there till… or what does he just guide himself?_ Steven noticed the antsy Lapis standing in the hallway like area.

"Hey Lapis, are you going to play too?" Steven asked with his voice bouncing off the walls. _Okay I've done that before…_

"Sure…" Lapis said slowly approaching the carpeted area, sitting down and there were four toys out. A brown stuffed bear, a green stereotypical alien, a blue robot and a grey kitten.

"Do you want to be professor snuggles?" Steven asked holding up the bear. Slowly Lapis brought her hands forward and grabbed the soft plush animal.

"Sure…"

"You remember all their names right?" Steven asked and at Lapis' confused face it seemed that he knew what to do. "Well yours is professor snuggles, he is the best for snuggling and the robot is Doctor Robot, he's evil but no one knows it yet." Steven whispered that last part as if to shield it away from the other toys. "That's mittens and the last one is Bob."

"The Alien is Bob?" Lapis asked going over all the names in her head. The shame was that half of them were already lost. _Mittens and Bob and snuggles and robot right?_ Lapis asked herself going over each one a few more times.

"Yeah, isn't it fitting?"

"I guess so…" Lapis responded and soon enough her phone had a slight buzz that ran along her side. Pulling out her phone and she wasn't surprised in the slightest to see who it was.

A quick text message from Pearl. "Has Steven eaten yet? Is he feeling alright? Did you make sure that he had a good day? Has he made any new friends at school? What'd he learn in class last time?" Lapis took a deep breath reading it over.

"Go to sleep… I'll handle this and I'll tell you all about his day tonight." Lapis texted back which only held Steven's curious eyes. The young boy looked as if he was trying to steal some glimpses of it quite quickly.

"Well Pearls just checking in on us… I told her we were fine… By the way have you eaten yet today?" Lapis asked to which Steven shook his head. _Shit I messed up… of course I should have asked that first._ "Alright how about… while I make us something to eat you watch some TV or keep playing with your toys?" Lapis asked slowly getting up from the floor.

"Or I could tell you about the story so far so that when we play together you'll be caught up." Steven excitedly said back to Lapis. _God I want to smoke…_ Lapis thought as listened to the young boy.

"Sure…" Lapis said back hoping that the story wouldn't drag on too long.

"Well it starts off with the fact that Doctor Robot and Bob were both scientist that actually ended up making the other too." Soon enough Lapis had an endless stream of words flying at her as she went through the cupboards. Opening the fridge and it had an endless supply of vegetables but without knowledge of which ones went together well it was useless.

"Alright real quick… What do you want for breakfast?" Lapis asked slowly looking over everything frantically, growing impatient.

"We could just have like and orange and cereal?" Steven said clearly slightly confused at having to answer that.

"Sounds good," Lapis said pulling down raisin bran from the top of the fridge. Then milk from inside along with two oranges that were laying in there.

"What do you think should happen next?" Steven asked Lapis bringing her away from her confused thoughts and into some new ones.

"I don't know?" Lapis said back. She had brought out bowls and spoons and everything and Steven was taking care of himself. Pouring his own food and milk, all that remained was the orange. _Do I cut it or peel it…_

"Come on anything, what would you like to happen?" _Children like to have orange slices so they can fake smiles with them right?_

"I don't know I lost my imagination years ago." Lapis said back in a dead voice of emotions. From her peripherals she could tell that Steven looked worried.

"How?" Steven asked and Lapis had to hold back her smile as she looked over at him. Dead in his eyes, unmoving.

"Bob stole them from me along with all my memories and emotions." Lapis said and after that she had finally let loose a smile. Which simply left Steven with his mouth open in surprise before it transformed into a smile.

"You know you really had me worried there!" Steven shouted back.

"Yeah… same here." Lapis said slightly under her breath as she set the orange on the cutting board and stared it down. Grabbing a knife and noticing how much her hands shook without the recent consumption of nicotine.

"Lapis… I don't need to have an orange… We can just have cereal today…" Steven said as Lapis stood there with the knife shaking over the orange.

"It's alright Steven, anyways I want one too." Lapis said plunging it down, straight through the center. Soon enough she was cutting it into fourths and placing the second one down.

"I just don't want you to get cut like last time I was over…" Steven said to which Lapis ignored once again cutting them down into fourths. Large slices of orange were shoved over to Steven's side, and as they ate them she noticed the large drops falling off them.

They ate together and Lapis once again listened to more of Steven's story, slightly amazed at all the odd ideas that were coming from him. It was also amusing to think of Pearl trying to play along with these stories, then again it'd probably be easier for her to do anything over Lapis. Once they were done Steven headed off to the bathroom after washing his hands. _I need a smoke…_ _This is my last chance…_

Quickly running to the front and raiding the jackets she found herself a cigarette and a lighter. It took a moment but soon she had it and knew this was her only chance she'd have before Steven would be taken home much later in the day. It was Saturday which meant he'd be here till Greg was done at work and could swing by. _Nine hours…_

Opening the door quickly and forcing herself outside with the lighter in hand. Igniting the paper full of tobacco as she closed the door with her back, then she began taking in short breaths. Walking a few steps away from the door to get along the side of the building. _I need to go back inside._ She thought within a few breaths.

Once again scrapes of the door were heard causing Lapis' eyes to shoot open. Keeping herself along the side of the building she realized she had no time. Taking in a few deep breaths to get the last of her cravings.

"Lapis you know if you wanted to play hide and seek you should have said. I heard the door close and besides we're not supposed to play outside…" Steven said. With the smoke entering her lungs in large amounts she began to cough. Soon enough the foot-steps running towards her. "Lapis?" Steven asked as he stood there watching Lapis curled over coughing.


	11. Play Mates Part Two

Trying to hack up all of her stomach and then some, she couldn't help but stare in terror at the boy watching her. Flame in one hand and addiction in the other. His eyes matched hers, distressed and trying to mull over the action they each just took.

"Steven…" Lapis coughed out trying to hide the cigarette away the best she could. Pulling it behind her back as if she could still save an ounce of innocence in the scenario.

"Lapis, you know cigarettes kill right?" Steven asked cautiously taking a couple steps forward. _Oh don't I know it…_ Those words burned as if boiling grease had pelted the insides of her skin.

"Yeah… I just..." All excuses that she had used before just brought up worse tastes, than what had already stained her tongue. "I can't help it… I'm trying, and I'm going to quit them soon. Just not today." Lapis finally let go, as if the child fully understood the situation.

"I think you can do it Lapis! You're a good person." _No I'm not Steven… I'm awful, pathetic…I shouldn't even be considered a person._

"I'll try my best but can you do me one favor?" Lapis asked desperately.

"What?"

"Can you please not tell anyone about this?" The kids head turned as if he didn't understand, hell he probably didn't. "If you tell your dad that I watched you today over Pearl then… He'll figure out I'm back and probably not want you over here again… So if you like Pearl I really need you to keep quiet about this."

Little gears seemed to be rotating in the boys head, taking more steps forward. He closed the distance between Lapis. Lapis ended up dropping the cigarette on the ground and attempting to crush it with her foot. As she looked to the ground briefly she didn't noticed the small arms wrapping around her waist.

"Fine… but why doesn't my dad like you?" Lapis felt her heart sinking as she looked at the brunette's small afro beneath her. Slowly reciprocating the hug.

"It's not that he doesn't like me… It's more so that I'm a bad influence. Pearl and Greg just want the best for you, they don't want you to ever be tempted to do horrible things in your life. They don't want anyone you look up to, to corrupt you." Her eyes were drifting downwards, hoping to peer past the body and gaze into the dirt.

"But you're a good person Lapis." _Only because you don't know me…_

"Let's head inside Steven." Lapis declared slowly removing herself from the warm grasp. "Anyways don't you have to tell me about the plot to your story so we can play together?" Lapis asked which clearly started to change his expression. Together they walked past the heavy door with Steven spilling out more than a mouthful of words.

Together they played for a good half an hour, with Lapis getting more involved with each moment. Starting off as just a bystander to their speech as the toys talked through Steven, at each other. Soon enough though, Lapis had taken control of Professor Snuggles. All the plot twists alone were hard to keep up but with Steven doubling back on the story every few minutes it became easier.

 _I wonder how Pearl is doing… Shit she hasn't eaten either…_ Slowly moving the stuffed bear away from the alien, she continued to let her mind wander. From the fridge to the freezer and all throughout the cabinets. To no avail her memories of something she didn't look at too much wasn't great.

"Hey Steven, I forgot Pearl hasn't eaten yet so I'm going to go make her some food real quick. I'll turn on the TV and you can watch that if you want?" Lapis asked the boy just nodded, clearly craving for the colorful pixels.

Leaving him to his own devices proved fruitful as he understood how to work the TV as well. Pearl didn't credit this boy as much as she should have, she never let him use the remote but he still quickly got it.

As she opened up the pantry she noticed in the back a few cans. Grabbing them and reading the titles until she came upon chicken noodle. Pearl hated the canned foods and often only had them in the house for Lapis, but this was the most the girl could do. Quickly pulling off the lid and throwing it into a bowl. As it spun in the microwave she watched Steven with her mind full of doubt.

 _He's going to tell Greg and Pearl is going to kick me out once she loses Steven. It'll all be my fault, even if he doesn't tell him today it'll happen. All three of them are close, hell he'll probably tell Pearl about seeing me smoke. Good riddance there as well. Fuck I'm screwed. I guess I've really done myself in today, at least I can do one more good deed._ Thought Lapis as the microwave beeped and she slowly pulled it out. Grabbing one of the white hand towels that were spread across the kitchen, to actually hold the bowl.

After grabbing a spoon and resting it in her mouth she began bringing the soup upstairs. Each step she felt the unwelcome heat billowing up in the form of steam, along her face. Slowly placing one of her hands along the center she held onto it. Leaving her other hand free to open the door.

Laying there with the blanket splayed across her torso and her legs shooting out likes roots. Lapis gazed for a solid moment as if waiting for an invitation that wouldn't come. Placing the soup on the night stand and slowly relieving her mouth of the spoon she plopped it in as well.

"Pearl," Lapis whispered until the body began moving. "I brought you some soup, I'm going to go grab you some crackers. Eat when you are fully awake." Lapis said slowly walking away, she wanted to make sure to tell her that the soup was there. If she didn't she ran the risk of Pearl accidently burning herself.

Lightly placing her palm along the rail of the stairs she ran down, feeling the grain along her palm with each step. Careful about each steps noise, trying to stop her feet quietly as to not send waves of noise through the house. Her mind was stuck in the cement of thoughts about Pearl, how much she craved to crawl into bed with her. The comfort of knowing someone else that had been through as much shit as you.

Sliding through the kitchen, Steven didn't even look up from his obnoxious cartoons when she went through. Slowly sorting through the cupboards once more, she finally found the saltine crackers lying at the bottom. A light crunch of noise from the bag and then she was off once more. Running up the stairs, wasting all of her energy.

At the top from outside the open door she could see the slender frame sitting up. A black T shirt thrown over her body, with a slow bobbing head as if she was about to reenter the dream land. Slowing her movements down as if she was approaching a dear, while she was approaching her dear. Once she was past the doors frame she closed it. Leaving the room with only them in it and blocking out the external noises.

"Lapis what are you doing." Pearl wearily asked, cocking her head slightly with her speech. Black bags still hung under her eyes along with ever persistent shivers.

"I just thought you might like some crackers with your soup," Lapis said nodding her head towards the night stand. With that Pearl looked over, her eye brows furrowing as if the existence of noodles was new to her.

"What's Steven doing?" Pearl asked clearly making an effort to keep her body upright. Lapis noticed the small movements, they seemed as if her body was filled with lead running through her veins. Slow, choppy and with incredible effort.

"Watching cartoons." Lapis quickly said slowly approaching the bed. She placed the crackers on the night stand and started looking over the bed. Looking down at the comfort of blankets just in front of her.

"What are you thinking?" Pearl asked clearly a bit timid with Lapis standing over her. "Lapis no… I will get you sick if you get near me."

"Too late if it's going to happen," Lapis said back, slowly shrugging before she lowered herself beside Pearl. Not wanting the girl worked up, she just let her hand come down into the short hair of Pearl. The almost peachy, strawberry blonde, was soft and heaping mess with strands standing up on all sides of her head. "I'm going to get back to Steven, I'll see you later." Lapis said slowly turning around. She accomplished all she wanted to, she saw something that made sunsets pale in comparison.

The small upturn of her sick girlfriend, the fact that she brought joy to a masterpiece waiting to happen. To someone that actually amounted to something.

"Hey Lapis, Greg is going to be here a little bit sooner than planned. I told him I was sick and once he picks up Steven I'd appreciate your company." The last bit of her sentence was small, as if the words were hard to escape from her lungs. Lapis heart beat nearly three times within that instance, frantically moving as she was beginning to adore the girl behind her.

Once Lapis did return to Steven, she began to actually pay attention to the show they were watching together. Soon enough she was seeing where some of his story ideas were coming from, and she was wondering whether cartoons had always been that weird or not. Then again her childhood was watching football with her father and fetching him beer. As they were watching the television Steven had sat close to Lapis, eventually letting his head rest on her shoulder.

One thing after another and this day was actually turning out alright. He eventually fell asleep for what was likely only half an hour, but Lapis enjoyed every second. She felt like something, something other than nothing. Nothing was also usually an improvement over what she felt, she was taking care of people. People thought they could rely on her.

Once Steven had finally woken up she spent time cooking them up soups for dinner and telling him about how he mustn't tell anyone about several things. He seemed annoyed with how much she repeated these things, but she knew it was urgent. As the day was coming to an end, they were both pacing in the house theorizing what would happen in the story.

"But it couldn't have been professor Snuggles unless…" interrupting their thoughts was the door bell and quickly Steven had ran up to the door. Before Lapis realized why the door had rang it was too late. Both of them sitting by the door with it swung open thanks to Steven. Brown eyes that hadn't been seen in a while gazed at her.

"Steven W…" Lapis hushed herself watching the door way. Like a detonation of a nuke had went off, she felt her inside hollow and her mind go blank. The final state of death.

"Lapis…?" Greg asked clearly sort of confused.

"Greg… Hello." Lapis said desperately thinking of an out to the situation ahead of her.

"Hey buddy," Greg said to Steven before changing his focus to the blue eyed girl. "Why are you here Lapis?" _No… Those words mean nothing… Nothing alright fuck, they mean nothing… I'm here for a reason! I have purpose I did something._ Lapis caught tears spilling over her eyes, quickly turning away.

"It's a long story."

"Greg!" Pearl yelled from the top of the stair case clearly still a mess.

"Pearl what happened to you? You look like you got hit by a tornado." Greg said drawing his head back slightly as he said it.

"Dad let me explain." Steven said quite antsy, trying to join in the conversation.

"I just… Well I'm not feeling the best," She said back slowly sliding down the stairs. Each step gave Lapis a slight dose of anxiety, thinking the girl would fall. Quickly running up and helping her down the stairs with each step.

"Well uh hey Pearl I'll give you a call tomorrow alright?" Greg said, turning to walk out the door. Looking over and she noticed, Pearls crystal eyes wide till her eye lids dropped. Along with her lips, as if resigning to defeat.

"Greg wait, I need to talk with you." Lapis said letting go of Pearl once they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Alone."

"Kid I kind of got to go…" Greg said clearly trying to avoid it.

"Pearl and Steven can stay in here, please just out front." Lapis begged and soon enough the man's shoulders dropped with a sigh.

"Okay. Buddy go play in the kitchen, we'll be right back." Greg said ushering Steven away.

"Lapis is a good person dad." Greg looked a little worried with that line. Lapis didn't look back she just stepped outside slowly waiting for the door to close behind her.

"I know I'm not supposed to be here anymore but please don't hold this to Pearl." Lapis begged once again, turning to look him in his eyes. After a brief moment of staring at him they both broke contact to stare at the floor.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I mean… I'm sure you've talked to Pearl about me and vice versa. Steven really means the world to Pearl, if you ask me to I will leave alright?" Lapis desperately said.

"You'll leave?"

"Yes, I know I'm not the best person and if you're scared of me affecting Steven then I'll go alright. Just please don't hold me against Pearl. She needs him as much as anyone else."

"You know kid, I'm not planning on taking Steven away from her it's just… You sound a lot like me after Rose died…" It went silent and Greg was rubbing the back of his head with a bitter look on his face.

"I know…"

"Just… Are you actually getting back into Pearl's life?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, I love Pearl and so far you seem like a nice person but I'm not so sure you should have taken care of him today. I just don't want him around people drinking and such y'know." Greg cautiously spoke each word.

"Greg… Steven doesn't even know we're dating, we don't smoke or drink in front of him that goes for each of us. In fact most of the days I've just slept away in her room waiting till Steven goes home…"

"Are you the same Lapis though that Pearl has told me about…?" Greg asked in a low voice. Lapis sat there revaluating herself from her feet to the hair dangling around her face.

"I don't think so… I'm getting better, want to hear about Steven's day?"

"I don't kn-."

"First thing we played toys together and he told me all about Professor snuggles and bob. Then I cut up an orange for him and got us some cereal. We played more and I made food for Pearl… Greg, I was a complete mess and I'm still a mess but I'm… I actually feel worth something lately." Lapis honestly said, with her vision locked on her toes.

"Alright, here's the deal, I want to hang out with you one day. You Steven and I can all go fishing or something and I'll judge from there deal?" Greg asked with his hand extended. A brief shake over the large hand that contained sausages for fingers. "I'm still going to have to talk to Pearl, I'm not that happy about being lied to and of course I have to talk to Steven."

"Yeah, of course." Lapis said looking up and she saw a light smile. A small amount of pity seemed to be sprinkled over his face, but she'd take it all if it meant that Pearl wouldn't come into harm.

"Alright I reaaally have to go," Greg dramatically said. Soon enough he opened the door and yelled for Steven. Picking the boy up when he ran to the door. "Thanks for looking after him Lapis." With that he left, she could barely hear the noises of Steven tell him their stories.

Looking over beside her and Pearl was hunched over the end of the stairs rail. Breathing slightly heavy with her eyes dragged up to meet Lapis' frame. Lapis just smiled back as she started drawing closer to her girlfriend.

"We're going to be okay," She happily said taking her girlfriend back to bed to rest.


	12. Cold Turkey

_Today's the day… It's going to happen… Alright here we go…_ Lapis thought to herself as she woke up staring at her hands. Looking around and of course Pearl was using up the shower. Lapis deemed in unnecessary anyways since she took one the previous day. She had two days until she would watch Steven with Greg, and in that time it was important to fix something.

Her goal was to stop smoking, not to light a single cigarette today. Removing herself from the burrow of blankets seemed like a bad idea, with the concrete thought of the jackets by the door. Soon enough she was slipping on some pants and a shirt waiting for the bathroom door to open.

"Hey Pearl, are we doing anything today?" Lapis yelled at the bathroom door. Without the sound of water rocketing to the floor, she was sure Pearl could hear her. Moving her body slightly, wiggling her head back and forth.

"Yeah, I thought it'd be good to get more groceries. It'd be especially nice to get you some that you could cook easier." Pearl's voice slid underneath the door in small amounts.

"Also I have some news… I think I'm going to quit smoking today." Lapis said, lowering her voice slightly with those words, slightly hoping they wouldn't reach under the door. With that though the door quickly opened. Pearl's eyes looking straight at her, with the white towel crudely wrapped around her body.

"Just all at once Lapis? Not like… just lower it down for now?" Pearl questioned seeming worried.

"Well yeah? I need to, I see Steven in two days and I want to be over it." Pearl took a deep breath, clearly thinking over everything in her head as she stared down at Lapis.

"Lapis… Two days won't be enough to kick the side effects if you are successful." Pearl said, to which Lapis dropped her head realizing the truth in her words. "Never mind that, I'm proud of you, I'll stop today too then." Pearl said with a small smile across her lips.

"You'll quit too? You don't smoke all that often as is, you really don't need to." Lapis said slowly shifting up, watching Pearl change. Her spine was more than visible with how she was bent over, looking for some clothes. Her body was nice and in shape, meanwhile Lapis' body was just ill fed at best. Some days she'd skip eating as if to get what she deserved.

"Well I want to help you quit regardless. Now let's go, we have a lot of shopping to do today." Pearl said after she had pulled over a blue and white striped T-shirt.

Soon enough they were driving away towards the store. Pearl hadn't really gotten any housework done thanks to being sick a few days ago. Looking over though as Pearl drove and she wore a smile, that damn strawberry blonde was wearing a smile. That alone drove Lapis to smile, thinking back to even just a few weeks ago. The dead eyes that would only be glossed over when Steven's life would enter the room.

"Also once you stop having cravings for smoking, how about you start applying for some jobs around the area?" Pearl asked, stealing a brief glance over from the road.

"Alright, also I haven't… hell I don't know if I've ever asked but how is work going for you?"

"Pretty good, right now I'm just going back and forth between groups and making sure that they're working correctly. It's pretty unbelievable how many groups have people that just slack off in the office." Pearl worked for an insurance company that her parents owned before they passed. She didn't run it, nor was she close to running it. One day she might but till then she was enjoying her extra free time with only working 4 ten hour days.

Her job currently was a supervisor for the higher ups, checking each of their buildings and making sure everything was going through well. A lot, a lot of paper work. Lapis listened intently over the course of the car ride, asking questioned when she didn't understand.

As soon as they were out of the car, Pearl was gazing down at her phone. It usually held a list but now was before they even entered the store.

"What are you doing?" Lapis asked.

"Just checking some things," Pearl said ever so often gazing up from her phone. Once Lapis finally looked up she finally realized something wrong with the scenario in front of her, it wasn't a grocery store. It was a clothes store.

"Wait why are we here," Lapis said slightly irritated, her voice held that without her even trying. _What the hell was that voice?_

"Think of this as a thank you for watching Steven for me, well you'll be doing it for two days as well so… I thought we could get you some of your own clothes." Pearl said quickly grabbing a small basket by the door. "When's the last time you went clothes shopping?"

"I don't know if I have… I sort of only got clothes on holidays growing up…" Never did get that pony, or frankly anything she wanted. At least when she asked for a pack of cigarettes for her 15th birthday she got those…

"Oh…" Pearl softly let out, Pearl was different. Her childhood growing up would put the American dream to shame with how great it was.

 _I want a smoke…_ They walked into the store together, Lapis wanted to hold hands but they were shaking so much, she didn't bother. Her other thoughts told her how much she didn't want to spend more of Pearl's money. Isle upon isle of just clothes, it wasn't the first time she'd been in one but still.

"How about we get you two outfits?" Pearl said letting her eyes gaze across the whole store.

"Are you sure?" Lapis asked her voice shaking slightly as the words spilled out.

"Of course, think about it like this. You watched Steven for eight hours today and you're going to start watching him for a bit more. Eight hours and I'd pay fifteen dollars an hour well that's… one hundred and twenty dollars just in that day." Pearl confidently said.

"Alright… I don't want to spend over that then…" Lapis responded looking over the prices of things. Most things cost a few dollars and unlike Pearl she couldn't add up the fifteen dollars here and twenty dollars there.

First going over to the shirts and Pearl seemed to be picking up everything in sight and then holding them up to see how they'd look. It seemed apparent that Pearl didn't like dark colors all that much though, with how they ranged from whites to light blues.

"You are so lucky!" Pearl said with a small sigh quickly after that. "You can wear like any type of shirt thanks to your black hair…" Pearl even threw in a white shirt pretty quickly.

"Am I going to pick the clothes or you?" Lapis questioned with the shirt falling in the basket.

"Don't worry about the ones I throw in." Pearl calmly said. _I don't want you spending that much on me._ Lapis kept looking through and found a cute black V neck shirt that had strings going across the collar bone area. She put that one into the basket and then also found a deep blue shirt, it was kind of plain but it was also in clearance. _Alright up to 25$ so far…_

Grabbing a pair of black jeans and then a regular blue dress bottom and she was good in that department. Soon enough though the basket was full of clothes, and Lapis wasn't exactly sure how much of it that she picked out. The part that bothered her the most is the thought that Pearl might have picked out underwear for her.

There was a nearly black blue pair of panties that she actually really liked… But she wasn't the one that put them in the basket either… Giving a brief glance up to Pearl who just shrugged with a mischievous smile. Pearl also grabbed two bundles of socks, claiming that one of them was hers.

"Hey Lapis… Since finding jobs is kind of hard and takes a bit to go through the process I think I have an idea." Pearl spoke as they waiting in line, with the slowest checkers ever. _Seriously how are they not done, that person just had one shirt…_ "How about, since it could be a little while that I make a list of things you could do for me that I'd pay you for."

"So that I can someday work my way out of the debt you're putting me in with all those clothes?" Lapis sarcastically said back. Pearl just chuckled, even past Lapis' slight malice. _Calm down Lapis, why the hell are you irritated… she's so kind._

"Lapis, don't worry about these, you're only paying for the ones you picked out the rest are a present. I am really proud that you want to quit smoking and Lapis… I believe you… This time it really has been different." Pearl said low, looking at the floor as if staring holes in those are better than the holes in Lapis' heart. Hearing those words made her want to cry, Pearl believed in her so much. This wasn't a dependence on the fact that they needed each other in different ways this was something more.

"Thanks…" was all Lapis could muster out as her hands shook and she had to force her vision away. Looking at the creepy mannequins in the window with perfect bodies and the best fashion sense.

Once they were up, Lapis put all the stuff she picked out on the top in hopes to see the total price for her things. All together it was one hundred and thirty five and then came the additions of Pearls… Breaching past three hundred before Lapis had to turn away. Each beep bothered her as the man kept ringing things up.

Soon enough they were walking back to Pearl's car, once again off to a new place.

A bulk grocery store that supplied Pearl with an abundance of her salads and other things that only tasted alright. Lapis Liked her cooking but some food like spinach when prepared well would still only be okay at best. This time they upgraded from a basket and had a cart to wheel around, and this trip wasn't nearly as good as the last one.

Pearl would stop ever few seconds and ponder how something could be made into a dish. She may have done that with clothes but the difference here was that the place was five thousand times bigger it seemed. Starting to pull at her hair and grind her teeth, Lapis was having a hard time with her nerves.

"Take a piece of gum," Pearl said looking back and handing her a small white thin strip. "Trust me." Pearl smiled with those words.

"Fine…" A burst of mint flew through her mouth, as she quickly crushed it down. Each step felt like another fresh bite into the gum, it was nice to occupy her mind with another small action. Anything away from the shaking of her hands. "Can we get some drinks tonight?" Lapis asked and Pearls face drew closer together.

"Fine… but I don't want you to get drunk tonight… Then you might accidently smoke." Pearl cautiously said those words as if expecting retaliation. The only thing she got back was a sigh from Lapis thinking it over. _She's right._

"God dammit!" Lapis shouted as she accidently hit her toe into a corner of a display. Pulling her foot back into the air quickly realizing what she was about to do. Biting down heavily till she could feel her own teeth past the gum, she stopped. Slowly bringing her foot back down and not kicking anything over. Pearl looked quite worried after watching that.

"Lapis just one more isle and we can go. What do you want for dinner?" Pearl asked in slow words as if to give it time to permeate Lapis' ears.

"Whatever…" Lapis said back in a monotone voice. _Why the hell am I acting like this… god dammit I hate this so freaking much…_ Pearl just smile back as if she understood, but how could she, Lapis thought to herself. Fuming over not understanding where all this irritation was coming from.

The isles were harsh against her feet, like each step was another weight to her mind. Constant thoughts of fresh air indulged her thoughts of a smoky sky. The view of a wooden fence, a mere couple feet away or even the thought of sitting by a window and it was starting to make sense. She knew she missed her fix but was all this really because of that.

"Oh wait I think I might want to see that isle." Pearl said turning towards an isle filled of breakfast material such as cereal for Lapis and granola for Pearl.

"Are you fucking kidding?" Lapis said under her breath. It seemed to catch Pearl as she stood still for a moment. Catching in a large breath before she turned back to look at her.

She didn't speak, instead just held out another piece of gum. Fighting the urge to smack it out of her hand, Lapis threw it in her mouth. Pressing harshly down on it as if to bite out the anger from her mind. _What is this a fucking treat or something to get me to behave… Why the hell did I even take this?_

Another breath escaped her mouth as if she had ran a marathon. Listening to her own body catching breaths as if they were the last thing she'd do. Shaking hands, a mind that couldn't focus and the dread of realizing that she's acting worse.

"Pearl… I'm sorry…" Lapis breathed out turning her eyes away.

"It's alright let's go home."

On the car ride home, all Lapis did was think about her issues. The fact that it didn't irritated her so much that she wasn't smoking but more so the fact that she knew she couldn't. Like no matter how long, it was still something taken away from her. Every second of the day, was another reminder at how she wasn't free anymore and it was her own damn fault.

The door handle was a harsh plastic against her hand, unwilling to give in, only able to be persuaded away from the door and back. Tempting with each pull to open it up to the cold wind, pressing harshly against the car. The whole ride home was spent medaling with that.

"Here, go ahead and just take your bags of clothes inside," Pearl said quickly ushering Lapis inside. Very quickly she was heaving the bags up the flight of stairs. Then eventually folding them and placing them right beside Pearl's dresser. That was her spot.

For dinner they ate watching a movie, with all the lights off. A small salad with bits of chicken crudely thrown in. The taste of it taking over her mouth as she tried to distract herself with the movie. The colors on the screen could only hold her attention for so long before her thoughts were draw her away. Watch a few more moments then regret her existence.

Butting into the thoughts firing back and forth through her mind, Pearl spoke. "Hey Lapis I wanted to ask you something real quick…"

"What is it?" Lapis said holding back her internal bombardment.

"This is more so for you but… why have you stopped smoking?" Those words left her mouth unwavering. An intensity in her eyes unrelenting, causing Lapis to pause in entirety.

"Well… I guess Steven…?" Lapis said thinking over everything briefly. The last time a phone call actually went through and the fact that she believed something would actually happen with it. The night that black waters poured over her thoughts of nothingness. "I'm doing this for myself… and us. Kind of everything that involves me I want it to help."

"Hold on to that thought." Pearl said with a smile. With that Pearl lightly wrapped their hands together.


	13. 3:00 AM

A/N This chapter is a bit shorter than usual just because I feel it's all it needs to be. This one is pretty important I hope you all enjoy.

A cold bitter feeling was running along Lapis' body as she stared at the wavering curtains on the side of the room. _Fifth time…_ Lapis thought to herself, slowly counting the amount of times her eyes had been drawn away from the sheep to the cruel real world. The horrible feeling, the nagging, the annoyance.

Slowly pushing herself of the bed, she glared at the other sleeping body. _Oh how can you sleep so damn well tonight, aren't you going through what I am?_ _I really want one… just one and then I can finally freaking sleep. I bet she has some in her desk…_ Walking over quietly, eyes still locked on the other sleeping face, as if any second she would be caught unable to handle her issues.

Pulling on the small metal knob, it flew back quite easily and Lapis wanted to tear it off its hinge. Peering inside, with the small amount of bleak light and it became clear it was nearly empty. A few pieces of paper scattered inside, the original contents of the drawer was drained. Utterly shocked Lapis began running downstairs once again to no avail.

Along the coat rack that hung by the door, there were no black jackets. Just two soft colored hoodies… Being brought into full on panic, Lapis proceeded to run to the kitchen. The top cupboard vacant of all of its items. Her hands brought new feelings on her head, as pain was present as she harshly pulled on her hair.

 _Where the hell are they, what the fuck did you do with them Pearl. Maybe I should just go get wasted so that I don't have to think anymore… That'd solve everything… I know where they are…_ Lapis thought about the one closet in the hallway, in between the kitchen and the front door. _I can face your skeletons Pearl, even if you don't want to._

With louder steps she approached the closet. Her mind was not present, only an ugly vision of desire was visible. Grabbing the handle harshly she took in a deep breath. _I've fucking failed once again, but what's new!_ With that she pulled, to no avail. The handle wouldn't budge and neither would the door.

"What the hell!" Lapis shouted at the door as if those words alone would solve her issues. Crashing her fist into the wooden wall, she was stopped. A painful crash along her knuckles, all of it absorbed by her frantic need for something, anything.

"Lapis… What are you doing?" Behind her was a thin silhouette along the staircase peering down. Her eyes felt like they fell back into her skull from shock at the other girl. The voice wasn't kind this time, it was stern as if ready to pick a fight.

"What are you doing up?" Lapis nearly yelled. _Why is this so freaking annoying what the hell?_ She dragged her fingers harshly against her palm as she began to look up.

"No Lapis why are you over there? You know the rule." Her voice was harsh, like something that she hadn't heard in a long time. The edge of it was almost that subtle drone of nothingness, dead. Lapis' breath felt hollow at the thought of them reverting. "Get away from there," heat added into her voice there, life.

"Yeah I know. You're the only one allowed in there when none of it means anything to me." Lapis nearly yelled back with her hands falling along her side. She hoped that Pearl could see her face, see the unmoving half smirked response.

"Lapis… You know it matters a lot…" Pearl sounded genuinely shocked. _I have the upper hand in this argument… I can win this time…_

"Why the hell would I fucking care about that stuff?" Lapis asked, blowing all her life out with each breath. "I wasn't there and it's all in the past."

"The same reason I care about your past… Because it's part of you…" With that Pearl hung her head low and slowly shook it. That made sense and Lapis hated it, she had no way to respond to that, just to stare back with an open jaw. "You can sleep on the couch tonight, good luck finding any cigarettes by the way." With that Pearl turned around and walked back up the stairs.

 _I just messed up again…_ Taking a deep breath she let her legs collapse on the floor once more. A cold surface with her face pressed against the grainy door. _She's going to hate me eventually…_ Lapis laid there for a bit of time, just hoping that a realization would strike her and solve everything.

Eventually pushing herself off the floor she began to approach the kitchen. There in the freezer was an assortment of alcohols to bring back some bad memories. Dishing out the vodka and gracious gulps she sat in the corner of the kitchen. Playing a fun new drinking game, every time the clock struck a new minute take a sip.

A wretched taste lining her mouth and wishing for it to be a different one. 2:21 AM and still so many hours to go before sunlight would grace her. Thinking back on her decisions they weren't the best but they were the reason why she was here. _I'm going to have to apologize to Pearl tomorrow… she's right, like always…_

 _Peridot was like that, she was always in the right… God I can't believe I've fucked over two people. 2:24 AM._ The bottle was heavy in her hand, feeling a slight burn from the chill on the bottle. Her palm hated the feeling but nothing was going to take it away.

 _I remember when we snuck into an R rated movie…_

 _2:30AM_

 _"Peri come on they switch out every few minutes or go over to talk."_

 _"Lapis… What if we get caught though…?"_

The words tracing her mind were like shadows falling on the wall. They were going on without her being fully conscious of them, just a slow burn of regrets building up.

 _2:50AM_

 _"If we act like we're playing the games then, we could easily sneak past." Dear god I should just stop now…_ Taking the bottle and staring at all the time she had skipped, she began downing enough to gag herself. Reacting to the slight burn and awful taste with a few retching coughs. Gazing at her shifting hands.

She began scratching harshly along her arms. The deeper the wound the less she'd be reminded of the other issues within the night. A heavy stomach with a bottle quickly approaching empty, thoughts stirring into dreams. Resisting was useless and so she decided to indulge in it.

She remembered the way Peri only kept her eyes on her while they waited for the guard. As if she trusted Lapis to make the right decision in the end. The person guarding the entrance to the long hallway had started to talk to one of his friends. In that moment, they held hands and ran as quietly as possible just around the wall.

"Lapis which movie are we going to see…" _What were we 16? Maybe even sooner than that, back when you still…_ Lapis felt heavy, most things inside her body she wished she could just spill out and the closer the bottle came to empty the closer she felt to the other side of thoughts.

3:30Am

"How about this one Peri?" Lapis asked, excited and knowing the fact that Peridot wouldn't like it so much. _God I was selfish…_

"Seriously…? Lapis you know how scary movies get to me…" Peridot said with a shiver running along her voice. She slowly dragged the blonde into the movie, joining slightly late to see someone getting their head torn off. In that moment Peridot held onto Lapis the tightest that she ever would and that was okay with her. Some moments even caught Lapis off guard, as she turned her head to try and avoid the disgusting view.

Sexual stuff often happened in scary movies and the fact that Peridot wouldn't stop looking at Lapis during those scenes only made it worse for her. The thought of running her hand along her face and dragging her into a deep kiss. Taking off her hoody in an intense make out session and then quickly starting to drag her pants down along with it. Feeling her head heat up quite a bit, and then she looked once more at the screen.

4:00AM

 _I guess I missed a few drinks…_ Chugging as much down as she could, it hurt every second of it. From the cuts running along her arms to the heavy stomach. From the dizzy head to the burning thoughts. Reaching through grainy pockets she pulled out a new light source. One that wasn't just a stolen bit of sunshine, nor street lights forcing their light inside.

Dialing through and she found her biggest regret and let it dial through. For a long moment she just stared at her phone, debating whether this would ruin everyone once again. It was already dialing though, she had already thrown her life under the bus if it would.

"Lapis it's four in the fucking morning what is it?" Peridot yelled through the other line. She could see every facial expression the girl made, thinking of the way she had yelled at her last. It was probably the same. She knew all her words would be slurred and that this would be her future self's problem if she screwed up.

 _Hey remember… yeah I do and that's the problem._

 _I'm okay with the tears right now, they are okay this is right._

 _Sneaking into movies…. Our first time…_

 _Our late night travels, studying together…_

 _If I could make one last promise, then maybe this one will come true._

 _"_ Listen… to me I have somethings to say to you real quick.

"Yeah well what is it? Huh? I'm telling Pearl about this by the way, she doesn't deserve you doing this shit to her again."

"I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. No I know I've lied to you…" _I'm okay with these tears… even back then they were right._ "I'm getting better, I'm quitting cigarettes and once I get a job. I'll talk to you again."

"Are you drunk?" No response was available in Lapis' fleeting mind. "Are you crying?" _This is right._

"All those memories, will always mean something to me. I promise… I'm going to help you eventually."

"What are you trying to gain from this? I'll never date you."

"Yeah I'm happy with Pearl, now I just owe you a friend you deserve. Bye for now old friend…"

She hung up before a response could be held. Finishing off the bottle with eyes too heavy to look at the clock. Time didn't matter anymore regardless of where it sat, she was here.

The last thing she heard that night was the crashing of glass on the floor, accompanied by her body falling as well. A fitting bed for the night, the kitchens tile pavement.


	14. Mirror

A/N Sorry for the delay in this chapter just been busy with life, hope you all enjoy this though

Disappointment filled Pearl's eyes as she gazed down at Lapis, it made sense though. A mixture of puke and alcohol was all around Lapis when she woke up. Her head felt as if it might explode if another ounce of light was drawn into the room.

"Really Lapis…" Pearl breathed out heavily. Her eyes were dark underneath them, slowly she settled herself down beside the girl attempting to move her. Dragging her away from the disgusting concoction of fluids on the floor. "This is what I get… Don't you have to take care of Steven today?"

Lapis let herself get moved as if she was a rag dole, her life felt heavy with any slight movements. Barring her eyes closed as harshly as she could. Letting her body be a lump of lead for Pearl as she still felt like she partially wasn't in this world.

"Really not going to speak with me?" Pearl's voice was loud and it hurt. "Of course not." Lapis felt the back of the couch, at least that's what she thought it was. Due to the fact part of it would give way, while some of it had harsh wooden planks inside. "Greg will be here in four hours, you better put yourself together before then… You know why…?"

"He's important to us…" Lapis squeezed out in an exhausted breath. Pearl's breath hitched at the sound of a response. "I'm alive… I'm alive… I'm alive…"

"Lapis? Are you okay?" Pearl said while footsteps started edging closer to the girl stuck in a pitch black world.

"No I'm so pissed that I need a cigarette to be myself… I'm so pissed that I feel so hopeless Pearl…" Lapis eyes began to water as she thought of everything that she had just done. "I called her last night… What the fuck is wrong with me." Lapis brought her hands up and attempted to pull out her hair. Her harsh grip contained mounds of hair as she pulled.

"Stop… Lapis I know…" Pearl said and soon enough when she brought her eyes open she saw Pearl. Right beside her with her legs crossed, Pearl sat with partially closed eyes. "She told me everything that you said last night in a text… She asked if any of it was true…" Pearl turned her body and Lapis' could only see glimpses of it through her squinted eyes.

Like the curtains had been closed she thought it was over, but Pearl's hands begged for an encore, not an ending. "I'm so sorry, I know I promised not to call her again. I'm trying with every ounce of energy to not be angry, to not let things get the best of me and I'm failing."

"Lapis… You didn't call her as a lover… Do you realize how important that is? I've read that text so many times and unless she lied to me, we'll be okay, you're mine…" Pearl said tightening her grasp on the sobbing girl. Her thin arms were warm, the restriction made her nausea worse but there was no way in hell she was giving it up.

"Pearl… I think… I'm scared of today… What if I screw everything up…? Then you won't care for me anymore and-."

"Shhh, let's just get you cleaned up." With pressure underneath her arm, she began following it. Letting the slender fingers guide her away from the stench. Horrendous smells that were still splattered across her. _How could I dirty these clothes…?_ Lapis asked herself trying to squeeze out an answer. "I could cancel today if you want? I'm sure they'd understand."

"No… I still got time to feel better, maybe this headache will distract me from everything else." A piece of gum was planted in her hand as they were making their way upstairs. "Why do you keep giving me these?"

"I read somewhere that gum can help people quit since it distracts you, even if ever so slightly." Pearl quickly opened up the shower and was setting everything up as if she needed to. _What did I do to deserve this girl, she's so amazing…_ Lapis sat there watching the peach haired girl as Lapis clung on to the edge of the counter in the bathroom.

"Hey Pearl… I don't think I've said this to you before but I really should have. Pearl I love you and only you." Lapis said looking up to the girl who just finished setting up the shower and picking out clothes for her.

"Lapis… Of course you say that now that we're badgering messes. I love you too." Pearl got close slowly swiping the hair away from Lapis' face to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. "Now go wash up, you have a busy day… my love…" Pearl drew her hands together and her eyes downcast as she said those last words. However the peach haired girl left with a huge smile after that.

(You couldn't even fool me) _I no longer need to fool anyone…_ _Shut the hell up mind._

Soon enough the day had went by leaving one event. Pearl had frantically went over to Lapis and brushed her hair at least 3 different occasions to prepare for the day. Her frantic perfectionism was a lot worse than usual, that was probably her distraction. On the final combing a white van had come into view outside.

"They're here, did you brush your teeth are you ready, oh god the bow is crooked." Pearl had found a dark blue bow that she managed to put in on her second time combing Lapis' hair.

"Yeah, god stop freaking out so much." Lapis nearly yelled, it'd been four hours of shaking hands and stress.

Three loud knocks fell upon the door causing Pearl to nearly jump out of her skin. _Deep breaths, this'll be fine…_ Slowly lifting herself she watched Pearl run over to the door while she grabbed some more pain medicine.

"Hey Pearl are you busy today? Or tonight?" Greg's voice echoed through the house.

"No why?" Pearl asked in a slightly higher voice than usual. After downing a few pills, she went to the entrance. Steven was nowhere to be seen.

"Well if you could pick up Lapis tonight I'd appreciate it. I have to pick up Steven from his grandparents."

"Wasn't he supposed to be with you and Lapis today?" Pearl asked nervously, the air changed and Lapis could feel it. Pearls nerves were on edge with that comment.

"Well originally but I think this is better to learn about Lapis. Is… that alright with you?" Greg asked, bringing his hand slowly through his large mane of hair.

"Couldn't be better…" Lapis said resisting to let her mind truly speak of the fear seeping into the corners of her mind. _It'll be alright… just don't mess it up…_

"I'm glad you agree, y'know I think it'll be a good time." Greg said slowly creaking the door open. With a grey scale skyline on the other side, most of it was just in her head as she couldn't imagine the lighter colors of the day. Her mind left her dark and focused on one obstacle, talking.

"What do you have planned?" Pearl slowly asked, to which Greg shrugged back at her. Besides the sway of his shoulders lifting and dropping, Lapis saw nothing. Her gaze was locked on the white van outside. _Deep breaths, you're going to be okay, you're different now._

"Pearl don't worry, I'll be back later tonight." Lapis turned her head for a small smile back at the peach haired girl. All she received was an image of the other girls concern, furrowed brows and a mouth holding itself slightly open.

"Alright… have a good one you two…" The way the peach blonde held her own elbow with her spare hand sent a spike of pain in Lapis' chest. Knowing that words were going miles a minute in her mind and the fact that all of them were over a future she had no control over… She trusted Lapis enough to still let this happen though.

"We will," Greg said as a huge breath left him. "So kid, fishing did sound fun but it's lookin a little stormy today… What do you want to do?" His voice was calm as he scratched the back of his head.

"I don't know…"

"How about this, we can go get some food, I know this great burger place. Like burgers kid?" _Stop calling me kid… Calm down Lapis, just calm down, this isn't you._ She bit down hard into the gum that her mouth had held, careful to not show it along her face.

"They're alright." Lapis choked out, her inner pessimist was clearly wanting to speak up, but it was tightly chained down.

"Good enough for me," Greg said with a huge nervous smile. Corners of his lips shook as it was clear he wasn't sure about the correct response. With that they slowly loaded into the van, Pearl had given her twenty dollars for the day… It'd been awhile since Lapis had raw cash and not just the hope of someone else paying.

With that the engine began to shriek at them as the van turned on. The shaking was visible that the car went through to start up. "This things… a little worn down…" Greg awkwardly spoke waiting on the car.

"It still runs though?" Lapis half questioned, with the car starting to move she strapped herself in.

"Most days," Greg joked quickly turning out of the drive way. His driving was surprisingly confident despite his mannerism. He took turns quickly with no hesitation and that left Lapis slightly impressed at one thing. "So tell me about yourself." Greg said slowly bobbing his head back and forth to the radio set to 90's music.

"Well… there isn't really that much to say about me. I'm kind of just Pearl's girlfriend." Lapis admitted thinking about herself. She was nothing but a foul memory to most including herself while the rest of her life was spent with wasting away.

"What do you mean by that?" Greg sounded a little bit concerned with his voice shaking to the small bumps in the road.

"Right now I'm trying to find a job but besides that I don't really do much besides some chores." Lapis admitted, if he wanted to know the real her. She wouldn't lie to him, she didn't really have much to say anyways.

"What kind of hobbies do you have?" _Getting drunk and ruining my relationships… Shut up mind, you'll be fine…_ Resisting her thoughts of pessimism she began looking outside the windows, focusing on the passing trees.

"I think I used to like art…"

"You think?" Greg questioned turning his head ever so slightly. Lapis had her chin resting in her palm as she thought it over. _Was it fun or was it just what I did in my free time?_

"I haven't done it in years."

"Huh… What do you do in your free time then?" His voice wore concern and the more Lapis thought it over the more she realized how much of in shambles she was. Her phones screen was ingrained in her brain for so many months hoping for a call. That thing never lost more than one of the four bars of batteries.

"Watch TV." It was a dead end and even if the older man asked she wouldn't answer why that was all she did.

"Alright… Well uh… we're here let's eat inside."

A light white building with a sky blue patch was in front of them, it had one of those glowing open signs hanging from the window. It looked barren from the outside, few cars held in the parking lot and through the window only the staff was in view at the counter.

Switching from the heat to a conditioned building was an appreciated change. Inside it did have a few customers but for the most part it still kept the hollow atmosphere. A young waitress happily brought them off to a table and Lapis was pretty sure the girl even called Greg as if on a first name basis. It seemed everyone there had given a quick wave to him or at least smiled towards him and that bothered her.

"I'll have my regular Maria and uhh this is Lapis by the way, she might need a few moments." Lapis looked up to grace the girl with a brief awkward smile before leaving them to their conversation. It truly was just burgers the closest thing to not a burger was still a chicken burger, how could a place like this survive.

"Uh… can I have a chicken burger?" Lapis asked to which the waitress happily wrote it down.

"What would you like for a drink?"

"Water… Please." Lapis was caught off guard at the fact of having more things to order. It only made it more apparent at how little experience she had at restaurants. Her family didn't go to them growing up because that was cigarette and beer money wasted.

"Yes ma'am." With that the waitress left and those words hurt. Am I really getting that old to be called ma'am… What did my child hood equal? _An oversized child stuck in a home where I can't be trusted. Shut it she let you go… She let you do something like this._

"So… Honestly there is kinda a reason that Steven isn't here… Pearl probably knew." Lapis memories weren't the most vivid without alcohol flowing through her veins and this time she was seized from it by his voice. Water was delivered, sliding across the table.

"Okay…"

"Lapis that's kind of an unusual name… You're the one with that Peridot chick right?" In that instance Lapis' heart dropped. She knew her face showed it, wide eyed with fear as Greg just slowly shook his head.

"Yeah…"

"Well the thing is…" Greg awkwardly sat there eventually preoccupying his mouth with water.

"How did you know?" Lapis questioned genuinely curious.

"Pearl… She told me about you last time you two broke up, when I asked where you went she broke down… For a bit you even looked like you were doing okay back then so what's going on? I want to honestly know the type of person my sons going to be around y'know." Greg said with a large sigh, Lapis brought her hands down and started to notice something.

"I haven't smoked a cigarette in three days…" Her finger was lightly tapping the table and that just reminded her of Pearl. The way when she was stressed out she had so many small actions and maybe Lapis was starting to get those as well. "That's the first thing I'm working on… Then I'll get a job and after that, start providing for the house as well."

"Really? Please be careful, don't overload yourself. Man I remember the first time I tried to get better… Hell I was probably worse than you?" _I doubt it…_ Greg was talking in earnest though and it was drawing her in. "Seven days a week I was drunk and eventually had to move in with my old man… Pearl took care of him, eventually it'd been so long I forgot about everything." He continued after downing a bit more water.

"Hell it still hurts to look at the beer in the stores but I remember the look on my son. I sort of realized that he'd changed so much since I'd seen him and honestly Rose wouldn't have wanted that, she wanted us to have a magical life together as a family… It started with me coming over for supervised visits and then I started taking him back. My old boss took me back and hell now I even own the car wash. So I don't think it's impossible, I know you can but I failed so many times."

"Even with others supporting you?" Lapis questioned starting to see some points he was making with doubt starting to enter her mind. Greg took a deep breath looking down at his hands before he started up again.

"Lapis the thing is look now… Even with all that, I'm here now, I've been sober for eight years I'm just saying, even though it might be a little hard don't beat yourself up too much. If you fail just kind of look at why, I often messed up by leaving myself money for alcohol." With that the end of the tale the waitress had showed up like clockwork and dropped off their food. "Well let's eat up and after this I want to know some things about Pearl's trial."


	15. Different Side Of The Same Coin

The trial fresh on her mind, made it a hell of a lot harder to eat. It was so long ago that she was told about it and even then, she only remembered bits and pieces. _Will she be mad if I tell him all that I know? Is that the only way out of this?_ Spilling the water into her mouth she sat there shaking more and more with each grueling second. _How could he just leave it there…_ Lapis took a deep breath and filled her mouth with a last bite.

It was good, the chicken wasn't too crunchy which made the texture flow better together. With all the thoughts running circles in her mind however, it was a bit difficult to actually pay attention to the taste. It was good… Lapis decided on the final snippets of flavor.

"What about the trial?" Lapis asked trying to match her voice and a stern look together. With her eyes feeling as if they gave away her inner feelings, desperation to get through this and fear of the consequences.

"Woah… diving right into it eh?" Lapis tilted her head slightly in confusion. _Does he just expect us to walk around it the whole time?_ _What the hell…_ "I want to know if there is any chance that she killed them." Lapis clawed her hands together, feeling the extra heat coming off of the small scrapes. Probably leaving marks, but her eyes were too busy to look at them.

"Of course not, she's not that kind of person and you know that, otherwise you'd never have let her around Steven…" Lapis spat out quickly before letting the small snippets of calmness speak. "What do you really want?"

"What happened in the trial? Did they ever find clues as to who and what happened to Pearl that night?" Greg's voice dropped as if to level the field in emotions. His hands were cusped together, with laced fingers and his wrist along the table. He looked calm or maybe slightly like he was morning something, Lapis didn't know but it was a small speculation.

"Why are you asking me?" Lapis asked trying to cast her eyes away from his presence, ending up just gazing at the clouds outside. From grey to focusing on the way the clouds splayed out in odd ways, craving to feel them and be away from the aching thoughts of today. Part of her wanted to curse each breath she took loudly, her thoughts bouncing off the wall of her mind thanks to stress.

"Pearl doesn't wanna answer." Greg sullenly spoke.

"She doesn't even want to tell me either, you know that she keeps everything from back then locked up right?" Lapis questioned, not knowing the extent of separation she shares with everyone else. The blank stare back gave a small dose of joy to Lapis, it was cruel to enjoy it. Also short lived with how quickly she went back to a frantic mood.

"Locked up?" Greg asked back with his hand slowly tracing his own arm.

"Yeah, anything that goes into the downstairs closet doesn't come out, it's like some sort of black hole of bad thoughts." Lapis admitted, realizing that everything horrible ended up there eventually. With a chilling spike running along the back of her mind, the thought that something of hers could be in there after their last break up.

"Huh, have they at least got clues of any other suspects then?"

"Not that I know of…" Lapis breathed out slowly bringing her shaking hand up to her head. Running it along her soft hair with deep breaths she noticed something. The small little bow that Pearl had put in her hair, Pearl was safe, Pearl was hers. A smile plastered across the corners of her lips at the thought of that. "She's a good person Greg, the case is done with and she won't be having anything more to do with it. If she ever feels like sharing she will and until she shares it with you personally, you have nothing to do with it."

As silence claimed the air, Lapis felt slightly smug at her response. Tracing her finger around the residue of condensation along her cup. Making small little faces that were only apparent for mere moments before they evaporated, leaving her fingers damp. Those faces had ridged edges, as if she never had any talent in art regardless of all those years of paintings. Shaky hands will do that.

"I know she is… Honestly I'm so glad for her and all, it's just I'm scared…" Those words drew Lapis out of her mental rant.

"Scared?" Lapis blurted out instantly, her confusion betrayed the thought of composed answers.

"Lapis I'm not the best parent… and what if she happens to want to completely take him back again?" trying to compose an answer came to no avail as she sat there slightly slack jaw. A previous chill that ran along her fingers was back as she nervously moved around her cup of water. "She's probably better for him, but like he's my kid y'know." It was almost as if the man was going to cry at the thought of that.

"She won't… Although we do want more sleep overs." Lapis choked out, her voice feeling a bit frail with the ups and downs of emotion. It wasn't easy to keep up with her, half of her wanted to get irritated at it but she related.

A stray thought crossed her mind thinking of the type of life she had lead. _How? Could I end up like this,_ she thought as she pressed her head into her hand. Feeling as if all those mistakes could be reverted if she hoped hard enough. In a pitch black world it was easy to see dreams but those dreams weren't going to be there when she opened her eyes. They were only rough sketches, with the only way to complete them with painful time put into them.

Opening her eyes and it was just a room, not a happy scene with smiles all around, not a happy family but a broken one with death. The difference between her thoughts and open eyes though was that Greg made it work and her family with Peridot had fallen apart.

Even with a terrible light shed upon them, the man ahead may have had dark days but he could still smile and have a happy life with his son… _Where I had wonderful people that would have taken me in right away if I wanted to run away but I'm the one that broke that household._

It was like a small revelation had sprinted through her head thanks to the thoughts brought on by the man ahead of her. _I am me now, I am the one to fix myself now._

"Of course… Now what type of job are you thinking of?" With that the rest of the trip to the diner went by quickly. She listened to so many stories from Greg as if every time she mentioned a different type of job, he had lived it. Being successful at it was a different story but the feelings were still the same.

He had even gotten into more detail over his wife and how it was living without her, how he wished for any sort of words from her. Even now, he hadn't fully gone back into the dating scene with wanting to commit to raising Steven correctly.

Soon enough she had her head by a rolled down window on the way home. Originally they were planning on hanging out longer but this was easier for everyone. That way he could pick up Steven early and they would actually be able to have some time together before another reset.

As the large white house came into view, Lapis tried to calm down herself once again. The past week had felt like a continuous roller-coaster of ups and downs whenever her emotions came into play and often others as well.

"Hey kid give me a hug before you leave alright?" Greg asked before Lapis turned to face him. Lapis turned around and awkwardly held out her arms for him to reach over the seat with a brief pat on her back. "Good luck, I know it might be hard but I think yah can do it." Lapis quickly backed away, hugs from people were… weird to say the least.

"Thanks… I'll talk to you later." Lapis awkwardly said without a better response surfacing to her mind in time. In the door way was a slender frame that she knew exactly who it was instantly, the poor girl had probably anxiously awaited the whole time. Lapis quickly walked up the small slope of the lawn to the front door for it to open wide.

"Welcome home, how'd it go? Did you have fun?" Pearl quickly asked, all the words flowing out of her mouth as if a large waterfall. Taking a deep breath she prepared her mind for the conversation, ushering words of calmness through her mind, attempting to keep the other thoughts at bay. With that breath she noticed a particular smell coming off of Pearl.

"Yeah it was great, how are you?" Lapis asked walking into the doorway, Pearl quickly moved out of the way and then closed the door behind them.

"I'm glad your back," Pearl genuinely said with her hands quickly flowing through Lapis' hair. It felt as if she was adjusting the bow, probably putting it back to a perfect angle. Pearl didn't look like too bad of a mess, unlike how Lapis felt internally. "Did you guys eat? If not we could go grab something?"

"Yeah Pearl we ate, just calm down, everything is fine and Greg doesn't want to take Steven away from you." Lapis said as they slowly walked together into the living room. Quickly Pearl had begun walking along Lapis' side, linking arms. She was warm, maybe too warm, Lapis thought as the heat radiated along her side.

"What'd you say?" Pearl's voice crept to an eerie low as she had spoken, her words weren't frantic, and they were just slowly said.

"That we weren't going to take Steven from him…" It felt suffocating to speak those words aloud as they drew close to the couch. Subtle rays of light were flowing through the room, a dull grey much like the few clouds in the sky.

"Good."

"We're not going to do that Pearl, right?" Lapis questioned, as Pearl began to sit down on the couch. Lapis wasn't willing to follow the ease of Pearl's arm slowly dragging her along. "Well Pearl?"

"You know he'd be better off with us." Pearl let out with a bit of arrogance coating her words as she spoke. Pearl's tone was low and her nose was held high off to the side, not willing to look eye to eye.

"Pearl, Greg needs Steven, what are you planning?" Lapis asked pulling her arm away before crossing her arms together and looking down. Her mind was a blank slate that was quickly drawing in darkness with each thought. _This is wrong…_

"I just think that he would be better off in our household. I mean-" Pearl tried to speak but Lapis quickly cut her off.

"We have him a lot as is, just be happy with that!" Lapis nearly shouted those words, confused, Greg was a nice guy and what they had was good. "What's wrong with him to you?"

"Lapis… we could teach him so much better, he'll be so much happier with us. What if Greg teaches him bad things." Lapis wasn't convinced as she pressed the issue further.

"Greg hasn't and isn't going to, he's learned from his mistakes…" Lapis found it sort of odd defending the man, but it felt right to her.

"What if he hasn't though…?" Pearl said back, low as if she fully realized the words she had said. Lapis' eyes opened wide as she realized the implications.

"So you don't think he's better now?" Pearl tried to interject her words but Lapis didn't want to hear it. "You think someone who had a bad past can't get better?"

"Lapis you know I didn't mean that."

"You don't trust me to get better either huh?" Lapis questioned with her shouting ceasing to the sound of the words leaving her mouth in utter silence. Wide eyes accompanied Pearl while Lapis began leaning down.

"Lapis… No it's just because…" In reality it was probably the fact that she hated Greg and Lapis had that in the back of her mind. She wasn't going to let Pearl get away with that as an excuse though with all those words feeling like a large smack against her face, she drew their lips close. Just before contact she paused sitting there for a brief moment, taking in the smell she caught earlier. Pearl began leaning forward in expectance, while Lapis pulled away.

"By the way I smell the fucking smoke on you." Lapis said with a dead voice, her body shaking of anger. Pearl's eyes widened as she tried to choke out some words but nothing came, Pearl's mouth just stuck open while she watched Lapis begin walking away.

"L…Lapis… Work was just stressful you know, and a coworker gave it to me, I took it out of habit." Pearl ushered out words quickly and Lapis was done with it. "Where are you going, stay here Lapis…?" Those last words sounded as if a weak demand that held nothing.

"I'm going for a walk." Lapis was nearly at the door when she began to hear foot-steps running right behind her. Warm hands grabbing along her elbow.

"Come on Lapis… Let's not fight today…"

"We're not fighting, I'm going for a walk before I start shouting, unlike someone else I'm dealing with the problems from my past and they're irritating me." Lapis said thinking of the burn in her mind that she couldn't satisfy unlike Pearl.

With that she left into the grey day, wanting to slam the door but it was just held open once more with a silhouette in the door way.


	16. Hollow

Thoughts spinning around in disappointment, she continued walking. Words Greg had told her went through her head. " _I often messed up by leaving myself money for alcohol," Greg's_ words were likely right. It hurt, Lapis felt as if she had been betrayed on many levels, not just as something they'd do together but as if telling her, she couldn't succeed. How could this person that had herself so well together fail, and with that staining her head it all fell to her.

Like a collapsing bridge she was falling into her thoughts even further. _I'm just a fucking failure as is and if she couldn't do it, then how can I?_ Looking around, she had been walking along the street for a long time, the sky had already transitioned into a darker grey. The edge of the skyline had an ounce of orange quickly dispersing. Her habits were kicking up harsher than before, part of her even wanted to just talk more to Greg. Ask him how the hell to deal with the edge cutting into her thoughts with desire and no other distractions present.

Hell she didn't even have gum on her anymore, just alone with her thoughts, tracing different steps of habit. _I should turn back now, otherwise how am I going to get home before morning._ One last glimpse up and she noticed where her path had been taking her.

A bridge held over memories of black waves just ahead of her, barely within view. Which meant she knew exactly where she was, screaming internally at the realization. _Shit, shit, shit, shit… Why would I come here, it's… Fuck!_ She didn't stop though, continuing her walk towards the bridge with her shaking hands.

By the time she had made it to the bridge her thoughts were getting dangerously close to panicking. Thoughts of how she almost left due to this damn metal contraption. _Don't look down,_ she told herself mentally, knowing that could send her thoughts into a downward spiral. Each step held a hollow sound that vibrated through her ears along with the churning water beneath.

 _Why am I still going, I wonder what she'd think…? Pearl would probably cry if she saw me here. Would she even care though?_ Taking in a deep breath she tried to get control over herself once more, slamming her fist into the wall of the bridge. Impact vibrated through her arm, with a sharp pain following it close. Bringing her hand into her stomach, she held it close, giving a brief shout from the pain.

Lights shining across her from the constant traffic, probably held eyes judging her. A new fear for each moment that she held onto. Eyes shaking off the view of reality with closed eyelids. Her steps starting to fall off of a rhythm, now roughly placed onto the floor quickly after being lifted. Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes to see a glimmer of the past.

Her eyes were watching the black waves beneath her, they all crashed and turned into a void in which she couldn't even tell what was happening. With a metal guard rail that would be so easy to climb over. With a hollow chest she turned away, on the next step it was different. It wasn't a harsh metal flooring but actual ground, dirt, grass and a whole lot calmer.

 _It's alright, what should I do? If I keep walking I'll end up at Peridot's or I could call Pearl and ask her to pick me up._ The last name left a bitter taste in her mouth, the thought of that smell that was so familiar, it broke her heart thinking about it. With one more foot pressed in front of the other she walked even further, giving up on the thought of turning back.

Her phone had rung as she walked, was it the third time or only the second. Either way she wasn't willing to give in today. A neighborhood that was familiar, as an apartment building began to steal her vision. Walking past she finally wound up at the door steps that were oh so familiar to her memories. Knuckles pressed into the door and with the remanence of pain from the metal bridge.

Stumbling around the house hold seemed to frantically approach. All the sounds seemed to hold a crashing of something, when instantly the door flung open. Peridot had a smile across her face that was quickly flung downwards once she seemed to register the girl in front of her.

"Lapis?" Her voice seemed to reflect the change as well, it held just a low tone but it was different. Disappointment maybe? Lapis couldn't fully understand it, which bothered her slightly not to understand her old friend. "Well what are you doing here?" Back to the composed and irritated little blonde.

"Uh… Hi?" In all fairness, Lapis sort of only wound up here and now that she was face to face with Peridot she couldn't think of an excuse.

"Hi… so?" Peridot turned her head slightly as she asked that, her furrowed eyes made it clear she was irritated.

"Alright you have to tell me. Who did you think was going to be at the door?" Lapis asked trying to buy herself some time to actually come up with an excuse. Peridot looked like a mess ahead of her though.

She was wearing black shorts and a purple oversized hoody, which would be adorable if it weren't for the fact of the stains splattered across it. Her eyes seemed to mirror what Lapis thought her eyes would likely look like, blood shot with huge black bags underneath, along with slightly reddened cheeks. Peridot was slowly shaking her head as if thinking.

"I'm getting a game in the mail." Peridot said plainly but then her face had changed ever so slightly. It almost seemed like a slight smile, causing Lapis' mind to spin into a nose dive of confusion. _What the hell? You hate me, don't look at me like that, YOU HATE ME!_

"The mail doesn't come at night…" Peridot started taking a few steps back into her own home.

"Was caught up in a video game, I didn't realize the time, come on in." Her voice was deceitful of their past, it almost sounded welcoming and that honestly scared Lapis.

"Are you sure?" Lapis asked, still taking a few steps inside, nervously looking around. As they drew close to the living room it looked drastically different. Wooden floor had an eerie shine to it while the living room had not a single piece of trash on the floor. Her desk held one blanket but no clothes sputtered around it.

"Yeah, anyways I'm pretty bored." Peridot shrugged with that and opened the freezer, she held two cardboard box single serve pizzas. Without even asking she was turning on the oven as if anticipating that Lapis would have one.

"Thought you were caught up in a video game all day?" Lapis asked slowly walking over to the computer, it was off…

"Oh… I was but I was taking a nap just now, that's why the blanket and all that." Taking advantage of the distance between them, Lapis went over to the couch by herself examining the area in further detail. The blonde often cleaned just once every so often, usually when yelled at by her parents, or when even she agreed that it had gone too far.

"Are your parents coming by or something?" Lapis asked loudly, letting her voice carry itself to the kitchen that only got a confused stare back. With that Peridot began walking out towards the living room and it seemed that her mind was making connections that Lapis didn't understand.

"No just some spring cleaning…" Her voice had went low back to the dead tone and when Lapis looked Peridot in her eyes she saw rage. Lots of it.

"Odd…"

"Why aren't you happy? Isn't this what you fucking wanted?" Peridot yelled out those words, sending her arms back with her hands wrapped in tiny fists. This was more fitting for what she was expecting but it meant the blonde was holding it in.

"Peridot… I just want to understand, what's going on here?" Lapis asked watching Peridot visually snarl at her with a clenched jaw.

"Nothing alright, now either have fun or leave! Those are your two options alright." The blonde's voice was stern and Lapis could have sworn she saw tears bordering the corners of the girls' eyes. She was still the same, horrible at handling her emotions but Lapis wasn't willing to throw away her chance to figure out the problem.

"Still listen to that dumb techno crap?" Lapis asked plastering on a fake smile over all of her obscenities. All her issues were present but nothing was going to stop her from making the night as perfect as it could be.

"Dumb? Excuse me? You have no taste!" Peridot's voice was still loud as if they were going to get into an argument but after those words her head dropped. "Yeah of course." There was a sadness mixed in the tone, something so heartfelt that Lapis almost regretted hearing those words, they hurt.

"Great we have some catching up to do." Lapis admitted, going over to the couch and sitting down. Trying to transport her mind to stay in a happy place with words like 'Don't mess it up' and 'be careful' constantly swaying through her mind.

"Yeah, do you want to have a bottle of wine with dinner?" 'Odd…' Lapis thought to herself as the blonde was already pulling out a bottle of red wine from a drawer in the kitchen. Along with something to unscrew it, was she actually asking or was it just a formality?

"A cup would be nice but I probably shouldn't drink all that much." Lapis admitted. While she was in a house with her ex and currently she had a bit of complex feelings towards the girl, she knew. She knew she was in a relationship with Pearl and that came first, she wasn't going to risk it, Pearl didn't deserve that. Even if she did backstab her slightly with just the scent on her breath.

"Suite yourself." Peridot said pouring each of them a glass. Sitting down side by side felt unreal, it wasn't full of hate or confusion just a dash of awkwardness. "I know this is a little bit weird but can I get a picture of us together?"

"Uh, sure. Why though?" Peridot froze with the phone in the hand, it looked like she was honestly staring at the reflection in dismay. A sigh left her body once the phone actually lit up.

"I don't have any of us in the last couple years… Since it seems I'm kind of forced to know you for the rest of my life it seems relevant to have pictures of you." A soft thud sound was made as Peridot sat down beside Lapis. Peridot held her phone out in front of them with the weakest excuse of a smile Lapis had seen in a while, she gave it her best to look better than Peridot. Frankly she did, her eyes weren't nearly as red and her hair was a lot more organized than the tornado beside her.

"That one looks good." Lapis lied, it was the one the blonde kept though before she quickly started returning to the kitchen. "I'll set up some music on your computer so we can eat and talk sound good?" With the computer booting up there was no response, the whole room felt eerie to her and part of the aura just made her want to cry. What had happened to the girl? This was different than the last visit.

Low electro music played in the background quickly becoming white noise while they ate there pizza. Halfway through and Peridot's phone began to buzz and once the blonde had looked it over she had a short chuckle before putting it away. It was a bittersweet sound, as if she wasn't truly happy that she was laughing.

"Who's that?" Lapis asked unable to see the name with how Peridot held the phone off to the side. Hiding it from view and tucking it away even though it was clearly a call and not just a message.

"Just an old friend, don't worry about it." A simple answer and then she was done, that was it, she was back to eating pizza as if the call never happened.

"So what have you been up to recently? You said you were getting caught up in a game?" Lapis loved when Peridot talked about video games. She remembered the way that she could fill an entire walk home with just talking about one game. Remembering an awful large amount of facts even though she had just started it and it didn't help when she got her smart phone.

The way that throughout class she'd sneak it under her desk to do what she called 'independent research.' Whenever she'd get caught how she'd come complain to Lapis, talking about how it was unreasonable when she was already doing so well in that class. She'd pout but it wouldn't be long and honestly it was cute, an easy time to sneak in hugs to cheer her up and also the way she'd light up while she talked.

Her eyes seemed to have a fresh gloss of shine every time she got a new unhealthy habit, grasping her hands together and making wild gestures. Trying to explain things to only realize ten minutes into her rant that Lapis didn't understand any of it but it didn't matter and Lapis would always ask her to 'go on.' A small little signal that everything was alright and for each of them it meant something different, Lapis just wanted to continue to see that smile, that movement and life.

"Nothing special." Peridot dully let out.

'Please just stop, why can't you let me help you. What the hell is going on through that fucking skull that just can't be shared with me? I came to you for a friend to hopefully be a friend and what is this?' Lapis thought to herself drawing her eyebrows together in a toxic mindset. Shaking hands, shaking jaw and a shaking mind. Addiction hurt and was hard to get over but if she left the blonde like this, she felt she'd never forgive herself.

"I see…" Lapis awkwardly responded. Quickly she finished off her food and began taking sips of her wine. It tasted very familiar, instead of chugging it she was more so focusing on taking in the memories from the wine.

"So… Would you split a cigarette with me?" Peridot asked with a dash of curiosity in her voice and Lapis felt her inner walls crumble. This was a cure to all her current problems, being mad at Pearl well then they'd be even.

"Peridot… Didn't… Don't you… Those things will kill you," Lapis coughed out those words. Desperate for a different path because this would be so easy, everything would go back to normal.

"Everything does Lapis, anyways this will at least remind me of the good times with you." Lapis' thoughts sent straight to hell, no matter how much she wanted a cigarette those words struck more than a cord with her. 'What the hell is that all I am to you, memories of awful things, what about all the innocent nights we stayed together away from all that shit.'

As Peridot lit up her cigarette, Lapis just watched the flame flicker on and off from the wind of the window behind them. After a few breaths Peridot started to pass the cigarette over. With tears forming in her eyes she took it. With such a big breath she ended up coughing on all the smoke, as if quickly reclogging her body. Moments of them passing the cigarette back and forth and eventual new cigarettes seemed to last for a while. No words spoke just the buzz of soft techno music that had already faded into inaudible for her ears. Occasionally Peridot would pour herself another glass of wine, she was taking a lot of it down by herself.

"Peri… I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused." Lapis said not moving her head to look at the girl, just squarely looking at the wall across from her.

"It happened… I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you, do we really need to talk about this tonight?" Peridot said with a dead voice.

"Can you at least tell me what's bothering you? I really do what to make up for what I've done." Lapis admitted turning ever so slightly to see Peridot holding her head low between her hands. Her elbows resting on her legs to hold herself up as if the perfect picture of stressed out.

"Alright if you really want to make up for it then let's do it." Peridot said looking up, similar tears rolling down her cheek as she sat there. Her face looked like she'd been thinking for a long time and the way she looked straight at Lapis was serious. She began fully turning herself around to face Lapis.


	17. Clearing A Conscious

A/N Feel free to add me on tumblr adojoa is my user and you can ask me questions about the stories or characters or anything like that, hope you all enjoy. .com

With pressure placed onto Lapis' lap she began to see Peridot moving towards her, shaking tears away from her eyes with her jaw askew. While Lapis only moved her Pupils to look at the blonde, shaking in her own hell.

'Pearl just loves having projects, that's all I am to her…' Oxygen didn't come into Lapis' body in a steady way, instead it shook with spikes of gasps and then was choked down in fear. 'I've only ever been a burden to her anyway… Why wouldn't she tell me that she started back up again? How long had she been smoking.' An unsteady hand began grasping at the bottom of Lapis' jaw slowly turning her vision till they met eye to eye. Peridot's glasses were elsewhere, leaving nothing between gazing at each other's eyes immediately.

'Anyways… What if I lost Steven for her…? I won't.' Lapis saw lips closing in on her face and quickly drew her hand up, placing it directly on the blondes' center of her face. 'Pearl, she still cares about me, regardless of this all. She was there for me whenever I showed weakness, she only wanted me to get better… Pearl is worth more than Peridot…'

"If this is your one request I can't do it… sorry." Lapis spoke out as she shoved Peridot off of her. Peridot fell back onto the couch landing roughly on her rear, not once losing the desperate gaze that steered right into the black of Lazuli's eyes. "I don't think I recognize you anymore either…"

Peridot gasped at those words in disbelief, quickly turning her head to the floor and all Lapis could do was watch, how had things turned this way. As an air of silence overcame the room Lapis knew what she had to do.

"Hey Peridot. I think I should go, Pearl is probably worried about me." Through all the jitters she had some new ones, ones of the fact that she had just rejected the girl she had loved all her life. A fear of possibly making a mistake and a fear of Pearl not picking up the phone. "I want to be your friend again but that's all I'm going to be. That's what we both agreed on."

"Will you at least stay the night then? I'll talk…" Lapis could barely hear those words as if they had sunk into the floor boards as Peridot spoke. Everyone had a limit and apparently Peridot had reached her rock bottom that night.

"Okay, I'm still going to have to give Pearl a call though, she's probably been worried sick… You probably know why." Lapis let those words lay stagnant in the air as her phone began to dial. The blonde looked pathetic ahead of her and tonight was the first night she ever felt she could think like that.

"Lapis!" Pearl shouted on the other side of the line, her voice was followed by sniffling. "Are you safe? Do you have shelter? Have you eaten? Where are you? I'll come get you." Pearl's voice held the frantic aura of someone missing there child and every ounce of it was endearing.

"Yeah, I'm fine… I'm going to stay at Peridot's tonight though, I won't do anything. I just sort of happened to end up here, I'll explain everything tomorrow but don't worry I won't do anything, you can trust me." She wished so much that her voice didn't mirror Pearl's but she knew it did, worried and saturated with pain. 'She really does care so much.'

"Oh… okay, Please be okay though, I'm so sorry… I should have told you I wasn't strong enough…" Pearl would go on an hour long rant if Lapis didn't say something and part of her wanted to listen to it, the concern and pain in Pearl's voice wasn't what she wanted. Just to hear that familiar voice for however long it would last, whether it be an hour and thirty four minutes or even just five.

"We'll talk about this tomorrow alright? Want to pick me up in the morning? We could get coffee?" Lapis asked, knowing the poor girl was a sucker for a variety of addictions and caffeine was one of them. Lapis heard a sniffle and she could see the smile on Pearl's face, she just felt it and every ounce of her enjoyed the way she spoke after that.

"I'd love to." It was as if the worries of that night were washing off. Sure they had things they had to talk about and Lapis admitted that she wanted Pearl to share a little bit more about herself but for now she wanted her happy. "Are you sure you want to stay the night over there? I could pick you…"

"I think something bad happened… She needs someone to talk to." Lapis began whispering, checking her peripherals for any movement and there wasn't any.

"Ooooh… If you two become friends again… We should go out on a double date or something sometime. I trust you Lapis, I believe you too."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night. I'll see you tomorrow." With that the call died and Lapis took a deep breath of calm air before she fully indulged in the scenery. Lapis approached the couch slowly, she didn't like the fact she was looking down at her… old friend. Quickly sitting beside the blonde she looked straight at her, looking for any signs of life, hell the girl sort of looked like she'd fallen asleep. "Did you want to talk?"

"I don't know what I want…" Peridot admitted slowly loosening her head from the crevice between her knees.

"So what is this all about?" Lapis tried to keep her voice low and her tone sympathetic, hell she couldn't take care of herself, what was she supposed to do here?

"I lied… Last time you were here, I technically did have a roommate. You probably remember her Amethyst? The girl you practically manhandled out of my life for some time." Her voice contained the edge it had before but Lapis just had to let the words cut. 'Did Pearl know?'

"Yeah?"

"We were, well are, I don't know… Kind of off and on and such. I kicked her out last time you visited and since then she's moved back in and then yesterday… or maybe it was the day before that, we had gotten into another argument and she left again. Hell this hoody isn't even mine," With that she quickly threw off the purple mess leaving just a black bra. "She was threatening to get back together with her ex and leave me permenantly."

With the now shirtless girl on the couch, she felt slightly awkward but tried not to let it cut into their talk. Lapis realized how out of her league of help she was, help on relationships… Lapis' relationships throughout her life had consisted of Peridot and then friends with benefits and Pearl. Taking a quick swallow she prepared for the rest of the girl's story.

"I screwed up, I shouldn't have pushed her away again. She just wanted to know if I could get time off soon so that we could hang out more but I can't stop… Work needs to be my life or how else can I make it anywhere?" It was all starting to come together and a huge hollow feeling was spreading across her chest.

'I was just revenge sex or something? She just wanted to use me… Calm yourself, don't let this ruin you again.' "How much were you guys fighting though?"

"A couple times a day I think… She's… into somethings I don't like… So when I see her sometimes, she asks me to join her and I just can't you know?" Peridot had so much heart in those words like it crushed her tiny chest to think about. Wide eyes. "Then there is the fact that she still doesn't have a job and has all her debt to pay off… I just feel like she's using me sometimes to take care of herself."

'Wait… wait this sounds familiar…' "You'd do this for her?" 'Why is that girl getting involved in her life? Why the hell would she stick through it for this girl?'

"Yeah, you know she just makes me feel so special when she's there." 'There it is.'

"And I didn't?" Peridot looked up after she heard those last words, a confused expression and Lapis realized that those words weren't held inside her head.

"Lapis?"

"I'm sorry, please go on." Embers were starting to catch the oxygen on the words she breathed and her mind was turning into a burning mesh. Words were flammable but memories were gasoline.

"This isn't about you Lapis? Are you going to listen or complain?" Lapis felt her feet pulling back, wishing they could scrape through the floor boards to ease her mind.

"Alright well if you guys fought so much you should leave her, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but I guess anyone could see that." Her voice held a slight amount of bitterness but she figured she was right.

"Lapis it's not that easy, I don't get out, all I do is work. I won't be able to find another girl if I let her leave my life. I'll be all alone again… You have no idea how much of a blessing it was for her to reenter my life." Peridot was grasping the couch intently, her eyes were wide as she leaned forward with those words.

"How did she reenter your life?"

"Well… She sort of needed a place to crash and we were talking online before she got back in town and once she did get in town I suggested staying with me for a few days and that turned into a few months off and on. Occasionally traveling over to Garnet's house." Peridot's eyes were traveling back and forth across the floor dragging vision into the ground.

"Garnet?"

"You don't know her, hell I barely do either but Amethyst promises that they're just friends… every time she'd stay the night but hey… Garnet still doesn't know my name." Tears were bordering the blondes face again and the dull light of the kitchen nearly hid them but they were present throughout the nasally voice.

"You should completely break up with her then, you'll find someone."

"How do you know huh? You've been in a freaking constant state of whatever the hell you're doing and I don't have time to find others. I'm just useless when it comes to interaction, how could you know if I'll someday find the perfect someone huh?" Peridot was clearly attached or scared or maybe that was the thing, that she was both. Scared of the outcome of being alone and it was a scary thought.

"Pretty simple… You're better than me and I found someone."

Peridot took in a huge breath as if she was getting ready to argue the point but it went silent. Her mouth left open and her furrowed brows slowly separating the longer the silence was left in the air. "Lapis… You're crying again."

"Just have faith you'll find someone but you need to look out for yourself I think I should probably go to bed though."

Peridot kept her eyes on Lapis, even when she went over to the lamp and turned it off. She felt the green eyes on her, she couldn't understand the face the blonde made from her peripherals but she focused on anything other than her. Drowning out her thoughts with the way her hands looked when they squeezed each other as hard as they could, trying to break bones with each pull. With the light gone the room was no longer a beige color but a pitch black.

"Alright… Thanks for listening tonight, I'll go upstairs." Her voice was worried too, maybe she understood she crossed a line but maybe she didn't know what was going through Lapis' head. 'I mean I guess we don't really understand each other anymore huh?' Her eyes didn't refocus in the dark, no they were instantly forced closed trying to bring herself into the world of unconsciousness.

Laying down wasn't long, no pillow, no blankets, just the clothes on her back and the pesky bow pressed into the couch.

In an instance it felt like the night was over to wake up to rattling at the door, three hits heavier than expected. 'Is Pearl here?' Lapis thought as she lazily stood up and began walking to the door at the other side of the town house. Steps were heavy with the amount of emotions she went through the past day, energy still faded from it. As soon as her hand began turning the metal lock the door began to swing open.

A Short girl with long silver hair began barging through with pure anger plastered across her face.

"Amethyst?" Said a voice from behind Lapis and as she looked back she saw Peridot scurrying to the front door, wearing a black bra and shorts.

"You fucking cheating whore!" After the girl at the door yelled those words she quickly turned to Lapis moving her hands up and grasping the excess of clothes around Lapis' neck. "I'll fucking kill you!" Groggily Lapis watched as a fist came up and crashed into her face. It hurt but most of her was in utter shock as her scenery changed to the outlook of the floor.

Feeling her neck get dragged up from the floor, the silver haired girl had her by the shirt once again pulling her up with a fist drawn back ready to throw. Behind her though was Pearl standing in the door way with wide eyes watching. 'Why did everything have to happen at once?'

"Lapis… What have you done?"


	18. Bad Habits

A/N So if you happen to like my writing and want to see different stories by me then on archiveofourown I have a bit more stories then on fanfic and once I'm done writing Remember When whenever that is I'm not going to be posting on Fanfic anymore. Same username over there as on here just thought I'd say something.

"Lapis… What have you done?" Those words were coming from Pearl's mouth but Lapis was quickly taken away from them as bare knuckle skin crashed into her eye. With her head flinging back she saw Peridot running to her and hell so was Pearl. "Get the fuck off my girlfriend!" Lapis didn't care about the fist that was coming down on her.

"Amethyst get off of her…"

Every fiber of her essence was in utter shock like those soundwaves alone hit her ears and it only grew wilder. Air had stopped to her, time had stopped as she thought about it all. 'Did Pearl just swear,' Lapis thought once again blown away. The tips of white shoes seemed to flow by and the fist that was flying at her altered its direction sporadically. 'Did Pearl just kick this bitch off me?'

"The fuck?" The silver haired girl said immediately at the disruption with a symphony of voices clashing into each other causing pure mayhem. Amethyst had a short body much like Peridot but a bit pudgier. Silver hair spilled back as the girl had landed on her ass from the kick. Thin legs went in front of Lapis' view as she looked up to Pearl blocking the path between them. Peridot had of course ran off to Amethyst side, 'she'd never come to me anyways.'

"Who the hell are you?" Amethyst barked out with vigorous head movements to match her shouting as she began to stand. Lapis was trying to look at the girl but her attention was drawn away by the grazing of blood leaving her lip and nose. 'What does Pearl think?' Lapis wondered with a slight ache in her thought, eyes drifting away from the action.

"I'm Pearl, Amethyst." She said with such confidence as she spoke. Looking at the way Pearl had it planted she noticed that the tips of the front of her feet while the back were slightly lifted. With Amethyst bringing herself back up to a standing state, Pearl shook slightly, Lapis noticed the tensing muscles.

"Well your whore of a girlfriend is cheating on yah." Amethyst said taking a step forward and looking beside her was Peridot nervously grabbing her arm. 'Oh how fast you fall for her side…'

"Lapis is this true?" Pearl asked, not turning her head but instead Lapis heard her voice crashing around her mind in waves. 'I trust you,' so many times it replayed in her head. A wave of affection was pooling over her thoughts, swirling and drowning out everything else.

"Of course not, I'm yours alone." Her voice wasn't full of emotions but truth, she wish she could have displayed it better but for now she just hoped that the mess would resolve itself because her head hurt like hell.

"Yeah, yeah you want me to believe you when I come in to you shirtless." Amethyst barked out. 'I bet I could break them apart. Peridot deserves to be free…' Once fully standing, she was level with Pearl and they both began looking down at the squabbling couple.

"I slept shirtless and you said you were here and…"

"So what huh? You had time to put on pants is what you're saying?" Amethyst continued berating the blonde. Lapis noticed Pearl's shoulders drop once the attention was off them. Lapis began whispering little praises to Pearl as they stood in the middle of it all. It felt like the most inappropriate time but also perfect, she deserved it.

"Pearl, I love you, you're so wonderful…" She blew those words right into the girls' ears, it looked as if it rattled Pearl's already slightly shaky body even further.

"Lapis not now." Pearl said trying to be stern and quiet but it was clearly drawing attention back to them.

"Just help me with this…" Lapis whispered those last words before she stepped forward with a plan slowly spit balling off of thoughts collapsing in her mind. At least some of the rubble would be helpful.

"What?" Amethyst was glaring at them as she spoke, drawing her head forward.

"You two really should break up." Lapis said and instantly everyone in the room took a gasp of air except for Lapis, draining every ounce of energy into keeping a confident look.

"Why would it matter to you?" Amethyst more so said while taking a step forward. Lapis matched her footwork and moved in front of Pearl. A slender hand gracing her shoulder, such a soft touch that Lapis couldn't help but let her eyes look back to the girl that was behind her. Strawberry blonde hair that had a small rough patch still sticking up along the back. Pearl had a bad habit of holding the mirror too low to see the back of her head too well and it was adorable.

"Because Peridot can do better than you," Amethyst hand was being drawn back into a fist, tightening that Lapis could see out of her peripherals.

"Lapis, please stay out of this." Peridot asked from the sidelines and Lapis couldn't help but give her a bitter smile.

"Well this bitch is the one that caused it!" Amethyst cried out as she pointed her arm towards Lapis. Lapis chuckled at the sound of that as she took one more step forward, it was almost as if the extended hand could reach her. Fear was coursing through the back of her mind, but her will was forcing it down, like bile in the back of her throat.

"Yeah what did I cause?" Lapis asked and looking at the brown eyes of the silver haired girl and she saw it, a vicious sneer.

"You showing up out of the blue again, of course it's your fault, you tempted her into doing it last night." Amethyst now was actually poking at Lapis' chest, each jab stung a little bit but it was acceptable.

"Tempted her? She didn't even do anything, won't you trust her?" Lapis yelled back bringing her head forward, hoping that her nose wouldn't continue dripping.

"Trust? After she straight up sent me a message with a picture of you two telling me that you two banged? Huh?" That made Lapis' falter slightly as her head went back, staring blankly at Peridot. 'Why…'

"What?" Lapis spoke and she wasn't sure but she thought she heard Pearl ask the same question. Peridot was silent and looking at her feet.

"Yeah, that's right I'm calling out your bluff, fuck man. First you keep me away from her during high school and now this? You just can't get enough of this girl. Maybe everyone would be better off without you." Amethyst said with her eyes narrowing, Lapis had to take a deep breath in an attempt to shake that last bit off. She already agreed with it to some degree, but she wasn't about to get slandered for something she didn't do. 'I mean hell I've already gotten punched for this…'

"I wouldn't ever cheat on Pearl, just because you're willing too doesn't mean that everyone is willing to." Lapis spat back calmly, but definitely ruthlessly.

"We didn't do it Amethyst… I… tried but Lapis wouldn't…" The small blonde choked up those words with tears in her eyes. As soon as she finished speaking, Lapis felt arms wrap around her from behind, tightly holding her stomach.

"I knew I could trust you," Pearl attempted to whisper out but it was heaved out with each small breath. 'Is she crying?" Lapis wondered thanks to the small amount of dampness on the side of her face, right where Pearl was nuzzling with her hug.

"Fuck man… Peri… You're god awful and honestly deserve to burn in hell for the shit you've pulled me though." Amethyst had begun to redirect herself towards the blonde with wide gestures for each of her words.

"That I've pulled you through? Yeah how's that 'friendship' with garnet? Huh?" Peridot began yelling the longer her conversation went on. Tears streaming off her face, tears of stress and maybe a mixture of all the other emotions crashing through her body.

"What about Garnet? We're just friends dammit!" Lapis slowly unwound Pearl's hands off her shoulder and began taking a step forward, quiet. Observing the distance that was disappearing between the two people in front of her, they were so absorbed in their bickering.

"Suuuuureeee, that's why you disappear for days on end and only come back when you need nourishment and new clothes…" Lapis began shifting herself behind Amethyst, slowly turning her own body, Peridot noticed and Lapis just smiled at her.

With that Lapis dropped her right hand downward just to pull it back up while turning her body. Feeling her entire body fly with the haymaker as it landed straight into Amethyst jaw. Shocks of pain spiraled along her arm and an intense pain ran spikily along her knuckles. In front of her though, Amethyst was now on the floor with her hands sprawled out.

"Lapis why?" Peridot cried out in utter shock.

"Lapis?" Pearl said and looking to her, she was clearly bothered by it too, wide eyed.

"I fucking hate her…" Lapis just admitted before turning her head back to looking at the pile of waste on the floor.

"Lapis' you don't just hit people!" Pearl dramatically said and if Lapis looked back she partially expected the strawberry blonde to be pulling her own hair out.

"You did it though." Lapis complained back.

"Amethyst are you alright?" Peridot asked pushing her hand out as if to help the girl up. To which Amethyst hit the small hand away and began to lift herself up.

"That was different Lapis." Pearl argued back.

"Alright, yah got me good there but trust me you're going to regret coming here." Amethyst barked out as she slowly lifted her hands off her knees, clenching her fist as she began to raise them at Lapis. "Cause I'ma get you back for that good."

"Amethyst like I said before, if I ever see you back in Peridot's life I'll fucking kill you? Sound familiar?" Lapis lathered her words out with extra spite. Raising her fist back at the girl, she'd had her fair share of alley brawls with her time out on the street drunk but this time she was sober.

"Lapis don't you dare fight her, we can resolve this without fighting." Pearl warned her from behind, fingers firmly planted on Lapis' back.

"Let your little girly friend save that pretty little face of yours." Amethyst taunted, still taking a step forward as if any words spoken had no baring, which they didn't.

"Pearl… I want to do this. She deserves it." Lapis laughed out those words, she wasn't angry. Hell she was excited to beat the hell out of this obnoxious person causing Peridot pain. Lapis fully turned back unclipping the fingers along her shoulder.

Feeling her grip tighten, she was ready and looking her opponent in her eyes. 'She deserves this, anyways why the hell would Peridot want her if she's violent… She hates violence.' That was only a guess but likely correct, every mistake Lapis had ever made was never responded to through violence from the blonde. Yelling, crying and ignoring were on the table but not violence.

"Don't you dare fight in my house! If you do then I don't want to see either of you again!" Peridot's voice crashed into both of them. Wide eyes looking to the blonde, it broke both of their concentration to look at the bawling girl off to the side. Peridot looked more than sad, she looked bewildered at the very least on top of everything. 'This is it.'

Amethyst's hands dropped, just like Lapis' as they looked at each other. Amethyst was shaking her head slightly as they stared down each other's eyes.

"Alright Peri we won't, I wouldn't want to mess up her ugly face more than it already is anyways." Lapis cockily spoke, drawing both her hands up peacefully. That was it though, in that instance Amethyst blew through her last gasket of restraint. Stomping forward she began swinging at Lapis, she didn't watch the fist though.

She watched the slow morphing face of Peridot's, from bitter sadness to disbelief. Raising her hand as if she could stop Amethyst in time from the mistake she was about to produce. 'I told you to stay out of her life.' Lapis took the hit, ignoring the pain as she pushed her body back, lucky for the shaky arms that caught her.

"Amethyst get the hell out!" Peridot shouted as she ran in between everyone. Holding her arms up in different directions as if trying to scare off a bear and it was working. Amethyst looked towards the blonde for a moment, confused seeming.

"Peri… Fine… Whatever I don't need you anyways, at least Garnet likes me." Lapis watched as the silver haired girl left the building. Sulking with each step, like her essence was seeping into the atmosphere of dread. It couldn't catch Lapis though, her smile was stained to her face. This was victory for her.

"You too Lapis…" Peridot said moments after the door closed and then the silence hit. Like her vision was enhanced when she looked at the bitter face of Peridots. Eyes glued downward as if hell was in sight. Fumes of the words just spoken began clogging up Lapis' throat as she tried to speak out against them.

"Wa… Why? What did I do?" Lapis choked out those words waiting.

"I know you instigated her on purpose Lazuli… Even if she was bad for me… Ever think that it's just nice having someone there until you find the right one? Because I think I'm just alone now." Peridot said turning away, her voice wasn't dead. It had all the life poured in of years of sadness, a tone of defeat that wished the light inside would just go out at last.

"Come on Lapis… Let's give her some space." Pearl whispered into her ear as they stood there. Arm stuck in Pearls hand and she was nearly dragged out of the place. After a few steps giving in and going back to walking for herself.

"Yeah… You're right, we have a coffee date anyways right?" Lapis gave off a weak smile as she meekly spoke. Once they heard the door close behind them Pearl began to speak again.

"Really Lapis what were you thinking there though? Will you please explain it to me at least?" Pearl asked with her hand slowly creeping its way along her arm.

"Just trying to break her apart from her bad habits… Speaking of bad habits could we split a cigarette?" Lapis questioned with a sideways glance over to Pearl. She looked a little rough for wear after that exchange, deep breathes that seemed to ache as they left her body.

"Lapis but you've been so good…"

"Trust me this is worth more than a cigarette for me… Anyways I already smoked one last night…" Lapis lowered her tone as she let those words leave her breath. Pearl conceded as they traded off after every few breathes as they sat out by the car together.

The paper wraps got a red tinge at the base quickly after Lapis' first drag. Her lip stung as the paper attempted to cling to the wound.

"Thank you, now let's get that coffee."


	19. Black Coffee

A/N Hey I'm sorry guys but I'm not going to be using Fanfiction anymore. I'll still be updating this story on Archive but I'm personally leaving Fanfiction. I have a lot more stories on Archive as well so if you happen to like my writing I suggest going over there. My username there is the same on here.

"Alright, so what Pearl? I'm just trying to help her out and you know that." Lapis lightly spoke, her confidence wasn't fully there after that incident. A shitty black iron chair just beneath her with a nice metal and glass table just in front of her. They were in a small café to pick up some coffee and just a snack.

"Yes but that wasn't the way to do it. I know you meant good but Lapis maybe you shouldn't have done that I mean…" Pearl cut herself off and was looking into the distance beside them. A few trees shot up from patches in the ground, a light sky past the strawberry blonde girl.

"What? You know you can tell me, I'm tired of not knowing things lately." Lapis admitted splitting her vision off to the ground. Staring at the small cracks along the concrete, she didn't need to look up to know that Pearl was taking a nervous breath.

"Lapis… Pushing away her girlfriend so harshly kind of… It just seems like you're trying to take her place if you do things like that. I mean." Pearl's eyes were downcast and Lapis could tell she was looking into the swirling black that was her cup. Like an anvil was pressed on Lapis' chest it was getting hard to respond to that.

"No… You're right. I went too far." Lapis knew that if she fought it that it'd only seem worse and that Pearl probably knew better than her. She wasn't exactly a social butterfly but. "She knows I'm not after her though, otherwise I would have slept with her." Pearl hunched her shoulders up quickly after hearing that, clearly bothered by that. "What I mean by that Pearl is that you're the only one for me now and well yeah."

Pearl began rubbing her head with a smile forming on her face. She was always so cute when she heard something she liked, she began tapping her fingers on her cup. Giving a slight shake to her head but what was sold it was something else. The way she looked up ever so slightly and looked so purely happy with her eyes staring back at Lapis'.

"You have such a way with words." Pearl teased pointing right at Lapis. "You know once we get home how about I turn on a movie and we snuggle on the couch?"

"Only if I can make out with you during the important parts." Lapis happily chimed back at the girl. Pearl just began to laugh at those words and Lapis pushed the edge of fear to the back of her mind after she saw her girl was happy.

"I wouldn't have it any other way, hell I wouldn't mind if the movie was stuck at the play screen." Pearl winked at that and Lapis remembered when they previously had done that. The first time they started dating, Pearl was so happy and just always wanted to be next to her. Honeymoon phase after already being friends with benefits, _man we're an odd couple._

Lapis couldn't help but laugh at the thought of it all, Pearl joined in and she realized that she was so glad she loved Pearl. In the back of her head though something felt off. Parts of her thinking that any number of things could ruin things and then what if with their history… _Shut up mind, you're going to go home and have a great time with your girlfriend._

Soon enough they'd paid for their food and loaded up into the car for a short drive home. They spent the entire time talking over even the smallest of things. Friendly conversations on even just a nice type of dog or even the weather for the next couple days. Talking was great, it took up thoughts to respond and Lapis wasn't sure why her mind wasn't in the best mood unless talking to Pearl.

"Hey Pearl do you think we should get those smoking patches things?" Lapis questioned as Pearl was hard at work unlocking the door. A few clicks later and the door was swaying open with a gentle breeze pressing behind it.

"Yeah, I'll look into it more later, I'll try and get them for us." Together they walked in holding hands, fingers intertwined. Even though her shoulders rubbed against the walls as they walked through the hallway, she wouldn't want it any other way.

Passing by the corridor Lapis stopped though, looking over at the door that held all Pearl's dark memories. It was like some sort of force had stopped her and brought her gaze over, she couldn't tell what Pearl thought of the stop but she slowly understood. She knew she was trying her hardest to help Peridot but why the hell hadn't she tried with Pearl yet?

"Hey Pearl… Can we unlock the closet?" Lapis asked pulling her off to the side, just in front of the locked doors. A dark atmosphere was rubbing off the closet that Lapis could just feel from the silence.

"Lapis… No, now let's go watch a movie." Pearl stubbornly said, her voice was firm and matched with it was a harsh tug along Lapis' arm. Lapis' shoulder felt the awkward tug and pulled against it slowly severing their grip on each other.

"Pearl… I don't think it's healthy to lock those memories away and I know you miss them. Pretending they-." Lapis was cut off with an agrivated set of words thrown at her.

"Lapis now is not the time. Drop it now." Her voice was just dripping with irritation, such a sudden change. _Do I give up now? Should I just let it go for now and come back to it later? She might not ever get better at this rate._ Looking straight into Pearls amber eyes she grabbed her shoulders. With a quick tug she pulled the girl into a massive hug.

"Eventually I want to have the closet cleared out, I know it's hard for you." Pearl kept tugging and trying to cut Lapis off but she wasn't willing to listen. She let her hands feel over Pearl's slender frame, the shoulder blades that were so easy to feel. How muscles were so easily present on her, she had such a great figure, Lapis thought to herself. "It can't be good though, I love you Pearl and you've saved me, I want to return the favor. You have literally saved my fucking life." Lapis continued quickly before Pearl could speak.

"I want the key to there, I'll take it slow, a picture a week. I see how you look at the photo of your mom you left face down in the living room, hell even when Steven's here to cheer you up. It looks like you're about to break down and cry. You can be mad at me for this but please know it's out of care, just think about it. We can go watch the movie for now but Pearl you're amazing and you don't need this weighing on you too." Lapis finished off, feeling the ragged breaths as her girlfriend started to cry.

"Let's just go watch the damn movie." Pearl's voice shook slightly and Lapis didn't look her in her eyes. Lapis just kept her eyes closed focusing on moving her hands through pearl's soft head of hair. Occasionally tightening her grip on the back of Pearl's head as if to reaffirm she was there for her. Slowly they split apart and lapis was sure to grab onto Pearl's slender arm.

 _I just want to wipe away your tears, I'm sorry for making you sad but Pearl this needs to happen._ Together they began climbing onto the couch without even turning the television on, Lapis just drew a blanket up from the end and began throwing it over both of them. Pearl wasn't meeting Lapis' eyes regardless of how much she'd stare at her.

"What movie do you want?" Lapis asked bringing her hands up to cup the girl's wet face.

"Whatever, you decide." Pearl sighed out along with turning her head even further away from Lapis. With an idea striking her mind she let a small snicker out. Tackling Pearl down into the wall of the couch she began snuggling her tighter and practically rolling her slightly in a hug. "What are you doing?" Pearl demanded finally looking back at Lapis, with this chance Lapis stole the look in her eyes and responded.

"Well I'd rather just talk with you and look at you over a movie so that's what I decided until you say otherwise." Lapis stuck her tongue out after those words trailed through the air and she caught what she was looking for. A small smile placed at the edges of Pearl's lips, she wasn't going to drown in despair.

"I guess I did say whatever." Pearl began had a small laugh leave her as Lapis' touchy hands started feeling all across her body. "Lapis what are you doing?" Pearl questioned as Lapis man handled her body and started moving her about the couch.

"Oh nothing, just wanted to kiss you and was kind of an awkward angle." Lapis shrugged it off but she knew what she was doing. With pressing Pearl against the couch she soon enough threw the girl quickly down on the couch so that Pearl had to look at Lapis on top of her. Still with her touchy hands, one skimmed underneath the start of Pearl's shirt while the other one ran along Pearl's cheek.

"Lapis?" Pearl questioned which only got one reaction. Lapis dove down into a deep kiss, planting her soft lips right into Pearls. _I love you Pearl, I'll help you, first with your mood but eventually with your problems._ Lapis let her thumb rest at the base of Pearl's chin, slowly urging her to open her mouth. Pressing her tongue in slightly, Lapis skimmed past the girls' teeth and quickly retreated herself and pulled all the way back till she was sitting up. Pearl's breath seemed a little irregular as she laid motionless.

"Yes Pearl?" Lapis teased, wearing a large smile she waited for the perfect moment. Like a little game in her head for each of her decisions. Once she noticed Pearl's lips opening she shot herself forward right at the girl's neck.

"Oh shu-…" Pearl shut her mouth quickly just as Lapis had done on her neck. Feeling the way the skin would have a slight amount of give as her teeth and tongue pressed into it. Giving it a brief lick over the tender spot. Pearl had given a shutter and Lapis could feel Pearl's hands closing tightly over her shirts back clothe part. Nearly feeling the nails through the small amount of fabric. Drawing slightly away from her neck Lapis started talking again.

"Oh sorry were you trying to talk?" Lapis cockily said, keeping her fangs just along Pearl's neck for any moment that girl may try and speak. Lapis' hand skated up Pearl's stomach and eventually rested on top of her chest, with a wide smile looked down on her girlfriend.

"This is a… a bit f-forward for you." Pearl breathed out as Lapis continued to tease the poor girl. Loving each moment she noticed Pearl hitch her breath or whenever Pearl's body would move in anyway signaling the desire for more.

"I'm going to make you happy Pearl." With that Lapis went to town on the strawberry blonde, pressing herself back on top of her. In between kisses they would lose clothes and slowly Lapis just began pinning her down even harder.

By the time they were done, Lapis laid with Pearl resting on a mixture of where her shoulder and chest were. Laying was nice because then they could snuggle and Pearl was happy. They freely spoke for the rest of the night about how they cared for each other. Lapis took note of all the small worries Pearl had as if thinking to fix them as she continued to live.

With night encompassing the sky they switched to their bed upstairs but nothing had changed. They still were just enjoying each other's company and over the, what felt like a short period of time that Lapis had started actually dating pearl. She felt like she learned a lot.

Learned how Pearl just couldn't resist trying to baby people even when it came to Peridot, Pearl had often tried to come over and tidy things up. With Pearl's connection to Lapis though, Peridot never was really willing though and that both sides thought it was reasonable. Or how pearl had actually bought foods that were easy to make just so that hopefully Lapis would eventually learn to make them. A lot of small little plans like that were actually happening and for once Lapis knew someone was proud of her.

Thoughts like that could cause tears in her eyes because they just felt so impossible but here was this perfect girl right in front of her. Hell if Lapis had caught Pearl in the same situation with her at Peridot's and Peridot shirtless she didn't know if she'd actually believe in Pearl but Pearl believed in her.

Soon enough talking had begun to dwindle and breaths were overtaking the atmosphere, calm breaths that barely raised anyone's chest. Along with that dreams were raised into the air and eventually the pitch black world had taken over Lapis' mind.

Waking up in the morning, the world slowly came into view as she rubbed her eyes to clear out the morning fog. Pearl wasn't there and it wasn't exactly early in the morning either, with a clock nearby she could tell. Just the start of noon, Pearl was likely at work. Pearl had spent most of her days off stressed with the issues they shared, Lapis thought to herself. Getting up though she noticed something small shine along her night stand.

A copper key that blended in with the dark brown night stand aside from the shine running along the edge of the key. Picking it up felt heavy in her chest, this was permission to actually make a change in the household. The first thing couldn't be a picture though, it had to be something that Lapis knew Pearl missed from her household.


End file.
